Lately

I have been a little absent around here lately.

I think it's that I find May and June hard months to get through. It isn't helped by this oppressive winter  that has set in. Why does winter have to be so long!
Further more my freezing little box that I call my apartment makes me want to retreat under a big doona.  So many a night lately, instead of sitting in front of the computer screen trying to tap out a post, I opt for my cozy and warm bed. {I am sure most of my ideas go on hibernation too!)

To be honest though, my absence is mostly due to the fog of another year being a single mama gently  lifting.  The haze that was my breakup is getting further and further in our past and I feel it getting lighter  everyday.
I see my life and dreams moving forward. Healing, growing, evolving.  I celebrate this each and every day. I have to, there is no point trying to judge or  feel guilty for all the water thats travelled under the bridge!  I have to smile. It did take me  quite a while to get here and to see things like that!

Yet the quietness that surrounds me in June is my hearts way of saying it is ok to take it it slow this month, to take stock and reflect on the journey to date.
The enormity of  everything  didn't register back then, Back then it was all about survival. Not to sit around lamenting.  I had an almost 3 year old to look after and he reminded me daily that I was on the right path.  It was a hard path, but it was worth taking. He still does remind me everyday as he grows up and I see his beautiful little soul flourish.

I have also been  quiet as I have been pondering whether it's time to start something new, give up this little blog. Maybe it's served it's purpose in the grieving process.  Maybe it is time to start afresh. Something lively, something passionate, something that serves my personality as it is now, not as it was back then.

But what?  I'm not even sure I can answer that question! And when I think about what I really want to do, that little seed of self doubt plants itself and I put the idea aside.  I make excuses and tell myself things that I know I shouldn't. That I am hopeless, and talentless, and can't write, I have nothing to offer.  Luckily though I am not listening to that little voice anymore, I am choosing to ignore it.  All it does is fuel me more to prove it wrong.  {Oh what funny games we play with our own heads!}

Anyway I'm not sure what I'm going to do as yet, I'm sure that answer will come to me. My brain is constantly thinking and thinking, and whenever an idea pops up, I am jotting them down (even if its at 2.00am!) These ideas could lead me down an exciting  path, who knows.

Maybe in the springtime, when the sun comes out, my ideas will come to blossom ...... 

Just another birthday....

Its my birthday at the end of this week.  I love birthdays, I love celebrations. 

So why is it that I  am dreading my special day? 

Ask anyone that knows me and they will be able to tell you how much I love my birthday.

I have always loved my birthday, always.  I remember having a count down  for the days leading up to the 24th of November every year. Ask my mum and I probably started the countdown in mid September. But she wouldn't mind,  I have been told I inherited this love from her. She is a birthday lover from way back. 

I have so many amazing childhood memories of my birthday, I can recall all of them, there are so many lovely, unique moments. Even of my early adulthood. I had fabulous parties, I loved bringing people together. 

For someone who is sitting on the fence of  being an introvert and extrovert, I would always, always come out of my shell and sit in the extrovert camp on my birthday! It was my day to live it up, to be bold and to be surrounded by people I loved. 

The last few birthdays have been celebrated, but my overall excitement leading up to them has been non existent. I have been sad. Very, very sad. 

I thought my thirties were going to be nothing short of fabulous. I would be confident, life would be on track, and I would have a sense of knowing I was in the right place. 

That really just went out the window in 2010.  Life is nothing like I imagined it to be. And as my birthday approaches, it is just a reminder of what is missing in my life and how far away I am from where I want to be. Although in  saying that I wouldn't trade the special relationship Darby and I have created together.
 

My first birthday as a single parent everything was still so raw, I baked myself a cake and I sat in a work meeting all day and cried.  Last year I was a little better but I still felt really flat, so I just got stuck into Gin and Tonics! That made me feel temporarily better.

This year I feel like nothing has really changed. My birthday is just a little reminder that I am not living my life to its fullest capacity . I know I have the ability too, but I'm just not. 

So many amazing things have happened to me in the year, and I will recognise that, but overall, I know in most aspects of life I need change. 

However I decided on the weekend that I  am going to put that aside, and really try hard to enjoy the opportunities  I have been given and the blessings in my life.

So on Friday I have made myself  a pact to celebrate this special day. As Oprah says "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate",  When Oprah says something you gotta listen! 

 So to mark the occasion I am going to get dressed up, I am going to make myself feel pretty, I am going to chow down on my favourite Mexican food with some of my favourite people, and I am going to go somewhere and dance, dance my little heart out to cheesy music, dance away my 33 year old blues. 

And this year, my 33rd year, I am going to take it by the balls  and I am going to live it. There is no time to waste. I'm going to follow my heart, take some risks and love. Fill my life with love, in whatever shape or form that is, and by the time I get to 34, I hope I'm back to  being excited about that big day..

Change is good

I have been a little lost of late. 

Not really thinking that my voice was very important.

I would log into my blog and feel this sick feeling. No words would come, no inspiration, nothing! Somewhere along the way I have  lost all my confidence in my articulation. Maybe I never had it to start with.

I somehow lost the ability to construct anything meaningful. 

I couldn't tell a story, I couldn't seem to use words anymore. Everything seemed to be bad, or forced or it was really really draining to do.  

I was comparing myself to others. 

The more I read, the more I felt this lack of confidence engulf my every being. What was I..me...doing writing. It just seemed absurd.   That lack of confidence thats plagued me my whole life was rearing its ugly head again. 

It was like I didn't belong here. I thought about pulling my blog down, maybe starting again when the inspiration did come. But somehow after thinking about it.  I  just couldn't bring myself do it. All those words lost, and that would be 19 months down the metaphoric drain. And then what, just forget all about that. 

No I couldn't do it, I have changed so much since it began, its an extension of myself. 

It wasn't until my sister pointed out how my blog  didn't really look like me,  wasn't a representation of the real me. 

(Maybe that was a reason why I didn't feel inspired!)

This comment coming from the person that knows me best was like a light bulb moment. Yes it stung, but in a good way. A bolt of lightening.  And I agreed with her,  I looked at it from another perspective and yes, it wasn't really me. 

That was by  no means a reflection on the design, because I asked for it to look the way it did. I was explicit in what I wanted and how I wanted it to look, but I had no idea really, I just thought that was how it should look. I loved it, but now 8 months on, I realise it doesn't really reflect me or my life, or where I am right now.  

So on Monday I pulled it all down, I had no idea what I was doing, I was sure I was going to lose the plot after 10 minutes, but I kept on going. 

So now here it is, different. shiny, new, and all by me! 

I'm not sure I like it yet, or whether it is a representation of the real me, but its a work in progress, it maybe closer.  I need more photos, because thats who I am, a photo taker. Not with a fancy pants camera (I wish I had one) just my iphone and me snapping away at every life moment! 

It is now my work in progress, and really that is what my blog is and always has been.  An evolving place to share my life, my ups and downs and the reality's of a new life I have created for myself and Darby. Living with a choice to go my own way.

From speaking with some friends the other day, I want to keep this space  real, keep stuffing up , keep my bad articulation. So what! Its my place, it can be what I want it to be. 

Its funny to think I blogged for over 6 months just about coffee with only 1 single comment to keep me going. So I know I can blog for me, its in there, I just need to unlock that magic again!

No more worrying about what I could be. I just want to focus on what I am and I have no doubt the changes will come from within. 

And as I sign off now, I am feeling a little less lost than I did 30 minutes ago, and thats a start! 

Image

Mad Monday ...

When you get kicked in the head by your child waking up in the morning (oh an accident of course), you know its not going to be a good day!  My cheeky child cranked up his cheekiness  a few notches today and needless to say, I'm exhausted, my eyes are hanging out of my head, and I never want a repeat of today, like ever! 

As soon as one thing goes wrong, it is only fair that everything else follows shortly behind. There were tears, many, many tears. Those tears came from both of us at different times. 

The tears came thick and fast when Darby had many tantrums regarding basically everything,  and my tears were at his frustration and the sheer determination of my child. It wore me down, I feel broken and like a failure. Oh and the ultimate came when I bought a new bottle of organic Maple syrup for $12 and the bag broke when I got home and it smashed all over the ground. That's when I really broke and I burst into big, sobbing tears. I knew it wasn't really important in the scheme of things , but it tipped me over.  My sheer exhaustion  hitting me like a brick in the head. Darby was shocked and tried to comfort me, I needed a big fat drink, but instead I ploughed on and made dinner. Although a happy ending did come when he went to bed easily tonight, sweet relief. 

I love my little sidekick with my whole heart, I really really do,  but today was just one of those days. I know we all have them and I know tomorrow is a new, fresh  day and I just hope it doesn't start the same way again. 

Until next time 

Java Jane 

Lost without him....

Tonight as I sit at home, writing this, I am here alone, my apartment is quiet, very very quiet.  I am all by myself  and I feel completely  lost.  

I have a load of washing on, I'm in my tracksuit, and I should be relaxing,  putting up my feet  after a  hard days work but I just can't. 

I'm just not right tonight and I can't help it that the tears stream  down my face so easily. I know they will go, disappear, and in 10 minutes I'll be ok, Ill pick myself up and make dinner.

Tonight is the night Darby is at his dads. This has been our arrangement for the past 2 year or so. Something I implemented to add some structure to Darby's life. He needed that, and he needed to see his dad on a regular basis. They both love it.  I love that they love it.  So normally I'm ok, I'm normally busy, or I make plans, or have Offspring to watch on TV or I exercise (I should be exercising) but tonight I just feel too lost to do anything. I feel sick. 
Don't get me wrong I am much better at being alone than I used to be. Distraction is a very useful tool. I use it a lot. But tonight  its not working! 

I think about things, I know I shouldn't waste my time thinking about. I think often how I have managed to get into this position.  I'm still in denial. 2 years later and things for me are still tough, maybe they always will be. There are lots of issues and fears and emotions I know I need to work through (writing this and the tears come again). I know I have swept some of my feelings under the carpet for the past year and I fear if I don't move past them or at least make peace with them, Ill be stuck in this limbo land forever. But tonight I can't really think about that, I am thinking about Darby. 

My sidekick, My right hand man, My ally is not with me tonight and I miss him. 

I know its only fair for him to spend time with his dad, and 8 times out of 10 I am all good, but tonight I want him to be with me. I miss him, I miss his voice! I miss getting him dinner, even though I know he wont eat what I plate up, I love how he twists my arm and gets out the yogurt or even gets the ice cream out. I love how he is getting into a better bedtime pattern. I love how we head to bed together at 8 and fall asleep after reading Batman books, he always falls asleep first and I continue to chat to him, until I close my eyes and go to slumber land too. 

I coped so well when I was away on holiday, because I was away from the familiar, when I am at home, I miss him more,  he belongs at home. We are this little team and it feels like a piece of me is missing when he is not here. As the years pass, it seems to get even harder. 

I'll be ok tomorrow, I'll wake up and I'll feel better, I will have my first day off mid week and I get to spend the whole  day with Darby.

I know I need to have faith, one day it will get easier. I know I will still miss him the same,  but I will be able to accept our situation and hopefully I won't feel so lost without him, Ill be able to stand on my own two feet.  God you wouldn't know who the parent is in this situation ? 

I am fine, this is just the life of a single parent. As I have said many many times before, I am on a roller coaster ride, and tonight I am at the bottom of it and I don't have my regular passenger by my side! 

Until next time, 

More time..

In a few short weeks I'll be a mother of a five year old!! It seems so weird for me to even say this, like I'm talking about somebody elses child, not my own . Not possibly my own. 

Yet filling in his school enrollment forms with his dad, just reinforced the feeling that the baby I once cradled oh so small against my chest has now developed into a boy, a big boy who now leaps, bounds and jumps into my arms! 

This little boys personality is emerging more and more every day. I can see the likeness of myself in him like a mirror, but I also see the other side, he is so much more confident in himself than I ever remember being! I was timid and shy, always blushing, trying to hide behind my mousy locks.  This kid I have is charming and confident and has more cheeky in him than I ever knew could possibly exist. He will speak to any child with such ease, he is confident with adults, and although I have so much to teach him about the world, he has a ginormous heart, that makes me proud as a parent every day.

And as I consider this massive milestone coming up in my Darby's life, I have had news to lift me as a parent, to make me realise how much time I do want to spend with him before he goes to school, and  how much  more I have to teach him before his big, big  adventure.
 Alot of this good news has been mostly a relief.  I have been given a lifeline, I have been on a little bit of a slippery slope this year heading no where good. And now  I have been given more time! 

My work has come to the party and offered me 3 days a week! This is an amazing outcome and one I am so very very happy about it. The relief, sheer relief and the weight of everything on my shoulders has now been momentarily lifted.  

More time - what joy ! What I have wanted for so, so long, I have finally been granted !

The days of working four days are over, the struggling, sinking, drowning, not coping with  full time working and solo parenting at the same time,  pressures of Childcare and the early starts and the unreliable nature of what my Thursday's were, are gone,  done and dusted. The late nights getting home, the one less day spent in peak hour traffic so bad you can only cry (or laugh as I often forced myself to do), the toast for dinner, the tears by both of us in the morning.  Gone gone gone. 

I can now say I have more days at home than at work! Its only one day that I will be working less but the weight of that now gone has transformed me, and it hasn't even happened yet! (it starts next week) 
I am and will be so grateful for this extra time, time to spend with my baby who is becoming a boy... I cant wait! I want to capture these moments while I still can and for us to both savour  these times before he enters the next stage of his little life! 

Today I am linking up for FYBF over with the gorgeous Grace  over at With some Grace ...... 

Until Next time.....  Life is too short for Crappy Coffee!!

Full circle.. A story of a break up, a break down and a break through

{ The hardest post I have had to write so bare with me!} 

This post has been sitting in my drafts for over 10 weeks now.. The procrastinator in me couldn't seem to press publish... I would feel just about ready... and as I would almost press the publish button, something would happen, I would find myself at the bottom of the roller coaster of emotions I have been travelling on for the past couple of years and I would nearly go and delete the lot... every last word I have written and that has swirled around in my head.. gone FOREVER from this page.. but who was I kidding.. these thoughts were never going to leave me.. They may be locked away in a far away corner of my brain.. but they will never go....


I know I shouldn't be worried about publishing posts anymore, well I'm not really.. I have such a supportive community around me, so why should I care.. but somehow I just do, its hard for me not too! Sometimes what my brain and heart says..... my fingers cant seem to type.. Its all been rolling around in my head but I have had  this blockage that doesn't let me write freely.... maybe that's because I want my blog to be my happy space, where I celebrate good times.. and my ever growing relationship with Darby, my coffee and happy moments, our journey together... my journey.....
I don't need my blog to go all serious and dark... I am not used to this walk on the dark side.. its not really me or my glass half full approach to life... 
Maybe I'm just worried that those close to me will read this and worry, worry about me, worry about Darby..... Trust me there is nothing at all to worry about.. I'm almost all patched up now.. but sometimes its important to purge to be able to let go.... Talking and writing about it is a way of being  able to release and set those emotions free.. I wanted to do that so much back then  but this is where the blockage came into play.. it held me captive... When I wanted to scream ...... I held it all in! Now I'm ready to scream.... to fill in the puzzle.. to release some feelings and to feel like I am being honest with everyone and myself.. 
So finally after soo long sitting in my drafts  I decided that I would pluck up the courage and post this ... So here is my story! 




This week it is 2 years since my life changed.. 2 years.... I can't really believe it to be honest.. It seems a distant memory, but it feels like yesterday too.. Its hard not to think back to that time  when  an anniversary is approaching.
As part of my healing.. I try not to look back...I try to just move forward and move on, but at times its only natural to want to think about things  that have happened in the past and process them a little bit more .. To put it bluntly a lot of shit has gone down....

I have been thinking about all the ways I would, If I could, deal with my transition to single parenthood and really I don't think I would do much differently.. of course  there are the moments I wish I could delete,  but I have learnt so much about myself, what I can cope with, what I cant' cope with, what I need to work on and to what degree of pain I can take until I cry out for help...
I have also marvelled at the way I have been able to just get on with things as a single parent.. there have been adjustments of course but mostly I am trying my hardest to be the best parent I can possibly be to Darby...  I know I need to take more care of myself but this has taken a back seat for a while now.. its only now that I really want to look after both of of us... I am  trying to  raise Darby as a best as I can... there are hiccups and issues.. but who hasn't got those!
I am  also trying to keep my relationship with Dave on an even playing field and ticking along as  smoothly as can be.. 
This has been a hard one.. and one I have to constantly work on..  no one said this was going to be easy.. No one has made me do this, or encouraged, or told me what to do..what to expect.. how its going to work...  this ones all on me!

Its hard for me to even articulate how my life has changed so OUT OF  THIS  WORLD in a short amount of time.. One day I was a family unit.. the next day that unit and where I thought it was leading was ripped out from under me..
That is incomprehensible sometimes to thing about.. it still doesn't make sense.. 

So its been 2 year since my life changed forever.. I keep saying that.. changed changed changed...there was no particular day or week ... but there were some defining moments that will be etched in my memory forever.. I can recall those memories when I'm in a dark place.. and I  feel sick . It really is still pretty raw...... All these moments led to the hard decision to end my relationship with Dave and led me into the journey of single parenthood......  Those six weeks  leading up to the breakup  and the heartbreaking decisions we both had to make were the hardest of my life..... (I wish I had known about Blogs back then!!) 
It wasn't an easy time for me....I kept it all to myself.. I lived 2 months knowing the inevitable was coming.. but hoping and praying that it wouldn't... only confiding in a few friends where I believed things  maybe heading..  

To put it most simply Dave and I were not on the same page.... There was no compromises with this one.. Our situation was not grey, we couldn't have counselling to fix it... our minds were set.. and they were set so very differently..... 
                                            BLACK and WHITE... 

He didn't want to have any more children, he was happy with Darby and only Darby.. I on the other hand yearned for another baby, another child to fill our life.... for Darby to have a little brother or sister.... for us to build on our family.... 

Our  little Darby was a surprise, he was not planned... he was the best surprise.. but it always made me think that this junction in our relationship would have happened earlier and we would have addressed our feelings sooner and parted ways.. I try not to dwell on the what ifs, and in reality I would not change a thing! I have an adorable boy who lights up both mine and Dave's life in every way..

It was hard for me to navigate this time... The decision was made that day.. when he said those words, but it took 6 weeks of toeing and frooing to finally admit it was over and there was no changing his mind... I earnestly and desperately  pleaded my case 
                                       EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  
always ending in me hysterical... pleading, almost begging.. 

This was not right... I shouldn't have to do that.. In my heart I knew this didn't feel right... I shouldn't have to be on my knees begging and feeling this desperation...  I knew what was coming... but I hoped and prayed something would change.. his feelings would miraculously change.. He sought the advice from his closest confidants.. and most of them  didn't really know why he was doing what he was doing.. But in the end you cant change some ones belief set or what they want.. Even though I was heartbroken it was not right to do that, I could never live with myself... so with a very heavy heart the decision was made to separate.. He genuinely wanted me to have the best chance to find what I wanted in life and that was not with him.....It was what was best for me, but to walk away from 6 years and 9 months.. tough is an understatement....  I knew in my heart of hearts that we probably weren't meant to be together.. but I still loved him..... I was heartbroken, I was angry and sad, and resentful, and relieved and numb... I felt like my only opportunity to have more children was being pulled out from under me.. I cried and cried and then I stopped... just as I was moving out.. the tears seemed to go.. I dried up.. of course they still came from time to time... but something else kicked in... The hardest part was the unknown.... I was stepping into a land never treaded on... land I never wanted to tread on.. and now I had to navigate my way through this alone.. just me and my little boy....

Once that decision was made.. we still lived in the same house for the next 6 weeks, mostly in the same bed, sometimes not... it was a time of great tension... we still were a family..we still did things as a family, we ate dinner together, we went out for coffee.. we went about daily life..  but we were fractured.. broken... and I could feel us drifting apart.. it was a bizarre time.... it was a time of great stress and pain... everything around me was going to shit.. it was at the same time my cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer.. it was all too much to bear.. too many emotions to deal with.... I  enrolled myself in a Bootcamp and punished my body through exercise  6 days a week..... pushing myself, pushing my body.. it kept me busy but it was inevitable that it would fall apart... I got the worst  flu and virus I have ever had... and my body shut down.. it was completely  crap and I felt all alone....  
Looking back I don't know how I got out in one piece... maybe I didn't. I spent most of  my weekends with my sister looking at houses for Darby and I to live... and seeking solace in close friends...getting really drunk on cheap wine.... it all felt so weird and foreign..  
I'm sure I was in some kind of shock... Finally I found somewhere to live that I was happy with ... and I started the move to my new life... Dave helped of course.. he is like that.... he would never not help me... or get out of major things like that ... the night after  our move.. we still met and had coffee.. something we still  regularly do now...  but the first few months were fragile and tense... that roller coaster was in full swing....
I can say it was hard... It was bloody hard.. I couldn't really imagine myself in this.. you see even I was waiting for me to have some kind of breakdown, there was no way I could deal with this... I'm an emotional person.. I cry at ads on TV.. at songs on the radio.. how was I going to get over the biggest change in my adult life...  I saw myself as a weakling, I was waiting patiently.. thinking one day Ill collapse under the enormity of it all.. I was like a ticking time bomb waiting.. waiting... any day now, any day now,  I was going to fall apart, cry for weeks and not be able to get out of bed.. I am still waiting for that day... There have been days of tears and uncontrollable  sobbing.. weeks where I just feel sad and depressed  but not as much as I had anticipated.. I am still surprised at this.. 
Darby was almost 3.. he knew what was going on, but he didn't have a clue...he used to grab the tissue box when I cried.. he didn't like it when I cried.. so I learnt to cry silent tears, in bed or while I was driving in the car ...  I internalised it all... not good really for anyone.. and it was going to do its damage on me..

At first I managed the separation day to day by running on pure adrenaline.. this fuel I knew would only last for short term..  I went to the doctors.. when I started getting palpitations, anxiety, headaches and I just generally felt low .. All I probably  needed was that good cry...... instead I started seeing a psychologist.. apparently I had "adjustment disorder" (I couldn't believe there was a medical term for it, but it is very common in times of massive change in ones life ) but I had classic symptoms.... It certainly helped me feel better, I saw her for 6 months.. and I still think at times I probably should go back for a debrief and a catch up... 

Then I discovered blogging.. or it discovered me.. I set about my coffee journey and I  started writing this blog  and I finally started  feeling happy again, doing something I loved and feeling the passion, the fire in my belly.. the creativity in me was coming alive..  I had a purpose, a goal... I was on a unique journey of self discover and it felt amazing! I was busy focusing on those positives, that the negative moments became less and less.. 
But I just wasn't really getting as much out of my blogging as I thought I could.. I was focusing my time on other coffee blogs and I wasn't really connecting with anyone....There are only so many cafe reviews and new ways to drink coffee.. I was after something more.. something deeper......  Suddenly after many many months like unlocking a door to an unknown secret world  I discovered other mum bloggers.. I had no idea this world even existed, I was oblivious to the whole blogging world until I started.... and when I found these blogs I suddenly  felt right at home.. I read blogs of pain and suffering and joy and wonder and everyday life.. of beautiful children and mums on similar journeys and telling their story.. I still remember  some of the first posts I read and the impact they had on me ..  I realised this was where I was meant to be.. the most unlikeliest of bloggers.. was now doing this every second day! And I haven't looked back for a moment.. 

It has only been time that has healed me... time that has allowed me to reflect on this change in my life... I know that I may never find love or have any more children and my heart aches when I think about this... but I just think Darby, Darby, Darby and I am ok again.. he has been my little saviour.. He has resurrected me.. and together we have built such a tight bond.... we are a team... we stick together. We pledge everyday when we say goodbye or goodnight that we will always look after each other.. 

This year I decided to let go of the anger I have... it is still there sometimes, but it is not bubbling away like it was.. the simmering was not  helping anyone.. and it was so detrimental to my health..  I feel so much better now that I have released it.. So Dave and I are now friends.. I hate the word amicable.. but we are good... There are times when I wish he helped more, but really he does his best, he loves Darby and is a fantastic dad..  
I know that it may get trickier in the future if either of us dare to enter another relationship... but I won't compromise that relationship for anything.. We have come a long way in 2 years.. in some ways he knows me better than anyone and I still feel comfortable talking to him about anything....for advice and he does have my best interests at heart.. 

I have come full circle since 2010 ... and that is a bold statement for me to make... not one I make lightly either... Its still an ongoing roller coaster ride... but I am firmly strapped in, well prepared.. and well equipped for the joyous highs .. and the lowest of lows.. This will be how it will be.. and I know that as hard as it has been it has been worth the ride..  

So there you have it... The so very personal story that has shaped my life over the last few years...I'm sure there was more to say.. but this has been hard enough...  I feel so uneasy that I am posting this... I know I may have just opened a Pandora's box but I know most of all I will feel a sense of relief...

Finally I have managed to do a post for FYBF over with the gorgeous Grace  over at With some Grace ...... next week I will do a happy one!! 

My images... Wall art by Baby Guerilla

I'm on a roll... some photos of a happier and healthier weekend..

After being laid up with bronchitis  last weekend and only venturing outside to go to the Doctor or to the Chemist, it was nice to just get out and about and feel relatively normal again.. Yes I still have a yucky cough and sniffles that most people want tend to veer away from, but I almost feel like me again! 

On Saturday I managed a little walk to my local village to pick up my new iPhone cover.. if that wasn't going to make me happy, nothing was.... I loved it!

Next I went to Seven Seeds, voted on all the best coffee lists in Melbourne for a bit of a treat after a crappy week.. Then it was jumping on the train to pick up Darby from my parents.. it was nice not having to worry about driving and just sit back and relax and enjoy the countryside! We do a swapsie half way! 

Darby was excited to see me... smother me in cuddles and tell me all the fun things he managed to do at Grandma and Grandpa's.. its amazing in just 3 short days he seemed to have matured and his little face looked so grown up.. I bet when I arrive back from my holiday in July he will be soo different! 

On Saturday night we caught up for dinner with Darby's dad.. It seems funny that the three of us to can go out to dinner together as a family.. but it somehow works.. from the outside we look like any other family enjoying a night out for a meal at the pub.. makes me try not to pigeon hole people when I observe them.. 
For a family that is not really a cohesive unit any more.. the dynamics still work and we laugh and have fun and can converse as normal.. We finish dinner and go our separate ways.. It can feel a little hollow sometimes when we say our goodbyes.. but I am used to it now and Darby is fine... we can be adults about it and friends... I still cant believe it really! 
When Darbs and I got home we got in our Jim jams, had some ice-cream and relaxed watching some old school Superman.. a perfect end to Saturday night! 

 


On Sunday I had the morning to myself.. I went for coffee and read the paper.. this was bliss.. I then had a quick look around the shops.. I really have blinkers on at the moment trying not to buy anything.. my mantra.. "I will be in London in 7 weeks.. I will be in London in 7 weeks".. this does work and keeps my money firmly in my wallet....

In the afternoon, Darby and I attended a charity event with my aunt and uncle.. Darbs loved having his face painted like Batman and he was super lucky to win a raffle.. a big tub of cars... Heaven for him and for me... I had a peaceful Sunday evening whilst he happily played with his new toys! Ahh!

I  am linking up for the first time with Lou - for Point and Shoot ... Her photos are exquisite.. very inspiring... and they are of Melbourne this week! So cool...

Until Next time.. Life is too short for crappy coffee.. 

10 days....

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Its been 10 days since I last blogged.. just 10 days... only 10 days... but somehow it feels like an eternity ago.
 I actually had thoughts during the past 10 days that I would never write on this blog again.. or maybe I needed to start a whole new blog.. start from scratch, a clean slate, or just delete this all and disappear from the blogosphere. 
Who was I kidding.. that was never going to happen..  Alas I have  broken my 10 day curse and posted something.. its not great.. but it is words.. and it is on here! 


I may blame all these silly thoughts on the fact I have been well & truly under the weather..  I have been the sickest I can remember being  as an adult..  actually I think I said those exact words no more than 6 months ago when I was equally as sick.. but  I think this time takes the cake! 
I really do believe I get sick when my body has had enough.. when I am absolutely run down, stressed to the max and my body cries out for some help, an intervention. It is a big,  rude shock to the system that leaves me startled, but it does get me thinking about how I want to live my best life.

When I was sick earlier in the year it was right after my cousin's funeral. To say the month leading up to that  was anything less than stressful is a gross understatement. My body literally fell apart and I had to stop, regroup and rest to get better. Maybe it was a chance to reflect and grieve on my time.. 


Shortly after I became a single parent in 2010, I was confronted with a "would have been" anniversary ... it would have been 6 years with Dave.. ironically that day I took ill.. was really sick I couldn't get out of bed, had to have someone look after Darby and literally fell apart.. A pattern is happening don't you think?

This time I have been feeling stressed about a lot of things  and it has been slowly building momentum for some time now.. my day to day routine has been wearing thin..... and so I knew the time was coming where my body was not going to cope any longer and would literally throw in the towel... It did just that and more.. 2 weeks off work, 4 trips to the doctor and several days on the couch feeling pretty damn low! I had Darby with me for the most part.. some days were ok and others well just exhausting.. I was a terrible, neglectful parent.. I won't be winning any parenting awards any time soon! He was left to his own device most of the time... I couldn't move for anyone.. There was no washing done.. no dishes.. not too many showers.. and Darby was left in full control of the pantry... not great for a 4 year old.... 


I happened to fall sick the same week my ever reliable parents boarded a jet plane a sunnier state for their wedding anniversary ...  This left me grasping for help.. begging Darby's dad.. and feeling mighty miserable about the way I felt and the situation I am in! 
This being all alone feeling hasn't really left me yet.. maybe it will when I shake the cobwebs of the bronchitis away... but there have been many a tear shed over the past 2 weeks .. and part of this feeling miserable was the feeling that maybe I would never write again.. maybe I would be happy with that.. but even in the 10 days of not really reading blogs or writing my own, I started to feel really disconnected.. disconnected to the world I loved.. the people I have met and feel I know.. sometimes these friendships seem more real than the ones I am having  in real life.. 

 Anyway I know I am rambling now and this blog post will make no sense.. but it was good that I just got my fingers tapping again.. and start to feel connected to the world I have grown to love and feel part of.. I know I need to make changes in my life, otherwise I will go down this path again and again.. like banging my head against a brick wall... in my head I know what I have to do to make life easier and better for Darby and I .. Im making my first daring move this week to make a change for the better.. wish me luck (oh and Ill be back in less than 10 days!)


Until next time (and there will be a next time) life is too short for crappy coffee 

Batman to the rescue....

After earlier in the week complaining that Darby was going through one  of of those "uncooperative, naughty and cheeky stages that was driving me crazy"

Today I was pleasantly surprised.. I literally ate my words...  

My little batman loving boy.. was taking a page out of his favourite characters book and was a little superhero for me all day! 

This was the perfect day for him to pull out his Ace cards with his behaviour because I felt like death warmed up! 

I went into work feeling all stuffed up with a head cold.. it was all downhill really as I began to feel worse, cloudy, hazy and generally just miserable... I was not being a productive worker .. 

I decided the best thing to do was to leave at lunchtime.. head home and rest!

I wasn't sure whether to pick Darby up from childcare early and take the risk that the afternoon could go quite pear shaped if he started acting like he had for the last week or so...  Should I just  head home for some child free time to just rest with no distractions, no complaining, no demands? 

I flipped a coin and decided to pick him up.. mostly because I didn't want to go back into the city after I got home.. The stress of dealing with peak hour traffic would ruin any rest I was going to be having! 

I arrived at his Kinder when all the kids were resting.. nothing cuter than seeing 15 little 4 years olds having a nap on the floor.. How they get them all to sleep and so quiet in unison is seriously a mystery.. They need medals for this (I am guessing most of these kids don't have a sleep on a normal non kinder day!)

I hated having to wake Darby up after only 20 minutes of rest... His face when he saw me was of such disbelief and shock..  I had to calm him to let him know that everything was ok as I think he got a bit of a fright.. but he jumped straight into my arms for a cuddle..

After his initial shock he was talkative and excited to see me... there was no grumpy residue left from his quick nap.. 

We headed towards home and he was genuinely concerned that I was sick and wanted to look after me! We dropped in quickly to grab a coffee at Le Chien, he wanted to chat about his day and talk about my day... My little boy was acting so maturely.. 
We got home and he smothered me in cuddles and kisses, he put on his most charming and delightful self for the afternoon.. the one I remembered so clearly and that has been missing in action for a week or so now! 
No complaining, no demands, just bliss... happy, inquisitive.. happy to play by himself, happy to get me drinks, happy to smother me in love and blankets.. boy have I missed this little man! And more so, I was so thankful that he chose today to put on his best behaviour... Its hard being sick and by myself, I generally feel my lowest and realise how alone I am... but now Darby is so grown up, he can step up and take on the role of the caregiver from time to time! 

So whilst  I sat in my red chair and whined and sneezed.. He covered me in love and Wonder Woman stickers.. his way of telling me what an awesome mum I am and his way of making me feel better!
Ah bless his heart.. how I am so thankful for him! 


Until next time, stay out of the cold... 

Linking up with Kate at Kate Says Stuff for Thankful Thursday. What are you thankful for today?

The daily grind (I so wish it was coffee related!)

My mojo is missing in action...  It seems to have been swallowed up by the  day to day grind of my life - if you could call it that!!

I'm a massive believer in living life to the max.. It's too precious and precarious to be complacent.. 
I have seen lives unfairly taken too soon this year and I almost pledged to myself at those very moments that I would live each and every moment to its full potential..

So it's been hard when I have felt myself slipping into this day to day coma ... I need to get off this conveyor belt before its too late and time and moments pass me by.. Living with regret is by far more painful than not living at all....

At the moment my life is revolved around work, getting to work, coming home from work ... Every moment it's in my head.. And I'm finding its not a healthy place to live..

Here is a run down of how my day pan's out.... 
I wake at 10 to 6 to get myself ready for the day.. 
I shower, pretty myself up and dress in whatever I can find that is not dirty.....
I gently nudge Darby from his slumber at 6.30.. Some mornings he jumps out of bed raring to go, other mornings it's harder, he won't stir, he is still in a deep sleep. I hate waking him so early... so I let him sleep until qtr to seven and I then I start poking him again and call his name gently, trying my best to stir him..
I lay out some of his clothes.. I know that he will tell me he doesn't want spiderman or superman today.. Today is a batman kind of day..
We struggle with this for awhile.. He always wins.. I don't have the energy to play that game..
Some days if he wants to wear his pajama top he wears it.. some days he is so under dressed or overdressed... but in the scheme of things it is not important...
I make him some food, sometimes cereal other times it's just juice on the run (thank god Childcare does breakfast!) He eats while I make a piece of toast and pack my lunch for the day.. I coax him to dress himself.. Some days he whips his clothes on as fast as can be.. other days.. I have to dress him... It all comes down to what side of the bed he wakes on.. 


I throw some clothes in his bag and his chuck in his beloved  piggy and get out the door at 7.15... Its a stretch.. but we are slowly getting it down pat! 


We enjoy the drive into Childcare.. I try and get him as excited about his day.. this is hard when he keeps saying " Mum I don't want to go to kinder.. I want to spend the day with you" - this is heartbreaking for me as I would love nothing more than to spend the day with him playing.. I tell him its only a few days and we will get some time together..... My heart aches until I get that time at the weekend.. 
 We arrive at kinder at 7.35.. If we are lucky I get a park out front.. On a bad morning we drive around the Collins st block and I start to feel my blood pressure rise... 
Eventually I get a park pay for 5 mins even though I'll be 10 and quickly rush to the 4th floor .. I organise toast for him and he sits down... It's easy when one of his friends is there... we kiss goodbye .. But some mornings he doesn't want me to leave.. They are a killer ... There are tears..I hold mine in till I make it the  back to the car... Sometimes I don't even make it! I know he is fine but gee it's gut wrenchingly  hard, my whole body aches and I wish this could be easier .. 


I jump in the car.. And navigate my way through city traffic. Nervously do one of those silly hook turns  and weave through my path to work.. .. I arrive at the botanical gardens and find a park.... I am lucky that there are always plenty of parks.. And it is on the cheap side for parking...


Work is a short 8 minute walk.. This is when I read alot of the blog posts that have arrived in my inbox overnight.. its my unwind time...the calm before the storm...
My day is over in a blur.... my blood pressure rises to breaking point... luckily I work around Health Professionals so there is medical experience at hand should I ever need it!! 
The morning goes... I manage to sneak in a good coffee.. the highlight... and if I'm lucky I may get out in the sunshine for 10 or so minutes! Some days it gets to 3pm and I haven't had my lunch and my head is pounding...
I do my best to get away from my desk... as I know my headaches are directly  caused by stress and staring at computer screens all day!
I generally get out at 5pm with a sigh... another day down... I meander back to the car..Well I am tired.. but some days I almost sprint to get the car.... By this stage I cant wait to pick up Darby and I want to get there before he goes down into the after 6pm room, where all the kids meet at the end of the day if their mums and dads have not arrived... 
I again weave through traffic... it is a toss of the coin as to how the traffic is.. some days I can get to his kinder in 15 minutes, other days its 45 minutes! (these days are not good... and I cry all the way there!) 
I get to him at around 5.45... I hurry in, almost beaming... so excited to be seeing him in a few moments and wrapping him in a big cuddle... I love this part of the day.... we are almost there, on the home run... he is so excited too... happy to tell me about his day .. 
We debrief the highlights in the car ride home.. 


We get home around 6.15... and then we settle in for the night... normally with poached eggs on toast.. or something so basic it shouldn't really be counted as dinner!
We get in our pyjamas.. and  I am slump in my red chair.. Its like a big red warm hug at the end of the day ... I read Darby some books and we head to bed... ready to do it all again tomorrow.. 


These days are not how I want to live my life forever.. it is exhausting.. it is draining and there seems to be no balance.... I feel all out of kilter (plus  I look like absolute crap!!! I'm sure I have more wrinkles now than I did 6 months ago!!) I know its only temporary..... I just don't know how much longer I can do it for... One day at a time.... One day at a time..... 

And of course, until next time, life is too short for crappy coffee...