This past week of mine

It has been a big week  or two in our house hold. The biggest that I can remember since becoming our own little family of two a few years ago.  Lots of changes, new routines and so many emotions.

It will take some time to get used to the  whole new world of school, we will get there I am sure.  Its just a matter of seeing it out. I have 6 more years  of primary school to go! 

I thought I would share the emotions I have gone through over the past week. {I might save Darby's  feelings  for another post} 

I have felt nervous, scared, elated, overwhelmed, out of control, torn, superfluous.  

I have felt the gentle letting go of my only child into someone else's care for 30 or so hours a week. I have had to surrender that control. My heart skips a beat every time I drop him off.  I must seem to be  such an overbearing mother smothering him in kisses and "I love yous" but I just cant help it. I cant stop myself. Im sure I am not the only one. 

I have felt happy, I have felt proud, the proudest I can possibly be, I have felt grateful, thankful and I have felt  free.

I have felt lonely without my buddy,  like something is missing all the time. My coffee time just doesn't seem right without him by my side.

I have juggled balls, many many balls in the air. That push and pull of the working parent has been  front of mind this week. Its bloody hard organising everything. 

I have finally exercised my body and I have let my mind have a rest, a much needed rest.  

I have laughed and grinned, I have also cried and weeped and I have never been so tired.  By Friday afternoon  I knew what exhaustion felt like. Trying to hold it all together was sure to unravel itself at some point and its always at the end of the week when things go downhill. 

I have welcomed new friendships, I am optimistic to see what happens.  I have put the time in to nurture old ones too, they are just as important to me. 

I have been excited, excited to be able to see myself in him. That ants in your pants excitable 5 year old. I was once like that and I even remember it! 

I have felt like a failure, but I feel like I am doing the best that I can. I am proud of myself. Doing this on my own  is tough.

I am thankful for those around me, that cushion me through this time. Even if they are not here in person , they support me from the sidelines, offer support, advice and let me know its all ok. All of these feelings, they have happened to so many other mamas and they got through it too. 

I am now  part of a club, The school mums club, lots of lessons yet to learn, but Im sure Ill be an old hack at it soon. 

I am excited, This future of ours is bright.....

Its always going to be a roller coaster of a ride, but  the lesson I have really learnt these past few years  is to go with the flow and that the only way to survive is to close your eyes and hold on tight when going down the dips, because the highs are just so so worth it.

Linking up with Maxabella for  52 Weeks of Grateful here

Family ties

Yesterday I was so  lucky to be celebrating Darby's dads, sisters wedding - phew that's a mouthful!

It was such a beautiful day, organised on a whim with so very little time, but on the day it all came together wonderfully! I was responsible for hair and makeup and then looked after my baby niece,  their daughter throughout the ceremony. 

She had other plans of watching her mum and dad tie the knot,  instead she screamed and screamed in my arms for the entire ceremony and we missed the lot! Luckily it was short and sweet and she was back in her mums nurturing arms soon enough. 

The Melbourne day was steamy, everyone was a little tired after battling through a very hot evening, but there was a sense of joy and emotion that fills the air when a wedding is involved. 

Now this is not my own family, but a family that opened up there arms and welcomed me into their lives 8 years ago. I know I am in it for life!   I realise how special it is to be included.  Even since our  separation I have never ever ever  been treated any differently by Dave's family. 

At the Lunch that followed on from the ceremony, I sat on the family table next to Dave, it was fine, he can still be lovely and caring and and he also rib me quite well, I forget that he doesn't have much tact! 

It felt like a blast from the past, although as so much time has passed since we were together, I can roll my eyes at his jibes and enjoy myself catching up with the rest of his family! 

Darby had so much fun and revelled in the celebrations, clapping when clapping was needed and cheering where required.  He was beaming and did so well as it was such a big day for him. 

He loves his Aunty Corrie and Uncle Ray, they have been amazing role models to him, and it is so nice that he has the opportunity of forming a close bond with his cousin. 

He has spent so  much time with them and we are both so lucky that they now live in the same suburb as us.   It warms my heart that I still have two families that love Darby and I so much.

I am really so grateful I could be part of such a special day, I am so thankful that I live in such a modern and mature world, that despite a separation, I still feel as though I play a part in the family so dear to my heart. 

Linking up today with Bron from Maxabella Loves for 52 Weeks of Grateful 

Grateful for time away....

It feels as though I never left.. 3 weeks of holidays gone.. and I have slipped back into this parenting caper with ease... with only a few minor hiccups and adjustments to speak of...  I am back to having a 4 year old in bed.. and no more blissful nights of sleep.  I forgot how much I am called upon in every waking moment... on holidays I looked after myself.. and was on my own agenda.. now I am back, I am on someone else's clock and they want my UNDIVIDED attention! That will take some getting used to! 

In saying all of that.. I am so happy to be home.. my little boy has grown up, he seems to have changed in such a small amount of time... he is so happy I am home... and he smothers me in love.. and random hugs and kisses and nothing gets better than that... 

He is independent and happy and playful and full of laughter and confident and polite and not scared to show his emotions..  And most of all he is well adjusted.. a testament as my mum says to my parenting with his dad.... and our offbeat relationship... and that has  been  the biggest compliment I ever needed to hear.. 

I am instilling all the things I have ever wished for my child to be without even knowing it, and its in my absence that those attributes have truly shined.... 
I feel proud of my parenting for once and not terrible as I often feel... and I am so grateful for that.. 

I'm linking up today with the gorgeous  Bron from Maxabella over at Kidspot- Village Voices 

Until next time.... Life is to short for crappy coffee...

Grateful for Adventures.....

In three sleeps I'm off on a big adventure.. the biggest adventure of my little life! Bigger than my coffee journey of 2011.. much much bigger...

I am grateful that in a way I was made redundant last year.. it has allowed me to fund a trip, a trip I so desperately need after the last 2 long, hard years of single parenthood..  This trip although for the wedding of one of my best friends... is still a holiday of self discovery for me.. Im grateful that I get to spend time in England with a best friend and her newborn baby.. I am grateful that I am visiting a city I have always always have wanted to go to: Paris..

Of course I am as nervous as hell about flying.. and leaving Darby behind.. but I know that I will probably learn more about myself in three weeks than what I have in the last few years and he will be so fine here without me....

Im so excited..excited to be taking a breather and taking time out.. to be celebrating in some joyous occasions and  Im  just  so grateful for the help of Dave and of my close relatives who are going to look after Darby while I'm away!    

Im linking up today with the gorgeous  Bron at Maxabella for 52 Weeks of Grateful: Reunions

Until next time.... Life is to short for crappy coffee...