What's Holding You Back?- March to your own beat .. its the last week

As soon as I saw the link on Laney's last "March to your own beat" post at Crash Test Mummy, asking us to complete the "whats holding you back quiz", I was straight over at the Oprah website answering away...

No one can deny I am a doer!! This I know I am ... and was I surprised with the end result.... nope, not one little, tiny bit... I could have said read out the answer that before I did it .. but I was scared I'd get it wrong... so can you guess what i got ??? Surprise Surprise I got  Fear of Failure....

This was summed up "You are terrified of stepping outside your comfort zone. And you're not alone—I find that this is the most common fear. My clients who struggle with it are often perfectionists who tend to take failure personally. When they don't succeed, they say, "I'm a failure," rather than "I failed." So it's understandable that new ventures can seem frightening. The most important thing you can do for yourself is work on building self-efficacy—the belief that you can actually accomplish what you want to do. Start by setting and achieving small goals. For example, if you want to be a massage therapist, sign up for an adult education course in shiatsu. If you want to be a florist, reach out to one; invite her for coffee and ask her how she got started. As you succeed at these smaller challenges, bigger goals will seem less daunting, and eventually you will develop the confidence to take the leap you've been dreaming about."

 Now I agree with quite a lot of this.. but I do believe I allow myself from time to time to step a couple of feet outside my comfort zone.. I know I don't stray too far from the edge .. but I do like to push myself just a tad ...

To delve a bit more into what is holding me back  and what makes me tick I got out the results of the birkman assessment I did last year as part of my redundancy.. It really gives a bit more of  an insight into how the good, bad and ugly of Java Jane .. and has been one of the most useful things I have had done... Parts of its strength is it doesnt just review the outer visible behaviour but it delves deeper into the drivers and motivators - my needs.. as well as looking at the stressors  -when our needs are not being met.. 

My usual style is 
- insightful 
- optimistic
- thoughtful
- selectively sociable (not sure what this means but I'm guessing this is where my shyness arises!)
- reflective

My personal  needs
- I need individual support
- I need to be able to encourage expression of feelings
- I need  time for reflection ( don't hurry me when I'm choosing a place for dinner!)
- I like to give time for difficult decisions


My stress behaviour (when my needs are not being met!)
- ignore social convention
- become indecisive 
- find it hard to act
- see the worst possibilities
- display anti social behaviour
- become overly sensitive to criticism 
-disorganised 
-self protective 
-evasive (ouch!)

I have a sensitive and respectful approach in one on one relationships, I have an ability to recognise other peoples needs, but this comes from my own awareness of my own feelings.  I need a combination of frankness and sensitivity from others.

It is important that they are neither too blunt nor overly concerned about my feelings.  

 I have a great desire to please others. I have a strong need for approval and acceptance within groups . I love group activities and this is  shown in my broad circle of friends and social network.  When these needs are not being met and the support of friends is lacking I can respond adversely by striving too hard to please or can end up with serious social anxiety, and avoidance of close personal relationships.. 

More than most people I tend to focus on my personal shortcomings rather than my strengths (true!) As a result, I take great pride in my accomplishments and respond well to difficult or demanding tasks. I can be driven, strong willed and have high expectations.  On the flip side I am inclined to blame myself if something fails, become too self critical and feel inadequate! 

I could go on and on and and  on.. It is very detailed report... (definitely worth doing if you get a chance!)  and when I was being taken through it , it wasn't the positives that I seemed to focused on (what a surprise!)... it was the stresses that hit a nerve.. they were the things that made me emotional... not because I didn't like hearing them... but because they were so true... they were me in a stressful situations... me in demanding situations... me in situations I didn't want to be in!

So I know how I should be feeling, I know the kind of person  I can be if I am doing whats best for me... Even though I dont think  I know the  direction I am heading in.. I am ready to go on an adventure... (That is the Sagittarius in me!) 


 I just need to back myself.. and believe believe believe.. I do know if I put my mind to it I CAN achieve anything! And from the wise words of my favourite singer.. "You gotta have Faith!" 

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee

Looking forward to meeting loads of wonderful, amazing, gorgeous  bloggers tonight at the DP2012 Pre conference drinks... I'm nervous as hell.. but I cant wait!!!

Images 

March to my own beat - week 3

Im am back for more ..... participating in the third week of "Marching to my own beat" the phenomenal idea from the creative  genius.. Laney at Crash test mummy... 

This week its all about delving  what we are good at... 

Well I find this super hard.. I don't see what others see....I like to think its my humility, but really I know I am just insecure.. I can recognise that  I am self aware (a positive trait) .. so this is on my to do list to work on....

If I was an Animal 

I wasn't sure what I could feel any association with a particular animal... So I asked my little man - even though I am meant to be thinking on my own two feet... (but he was the only one around)...

So I posed the question: 

"If mummy was an animal what would I be??"

 He pondered this  for a moment - and then he said: 

"A giraffe, mummy because you have long eyelashes and a long neck" -  not really the answer I was after but sweet all the same, then he added... you are like a pink butterfly... no, no I think you are a Lion.." 

Now that one sat right with me... something about "I am woman, hear me roar" resonated with me. I do think I am more like a lion, fiercely  loyal to my pride (family, friends and followers) and protective of my cubs...(The female Lion is always the one in charge!!)  oh and I also barrack for a football team called the Lions - no coincidence there! 

If I could have any role/job I would be ... 

I would love to work in something creative.. I need to be creating new  things on a daily basis.. This seems to  bring me joy and happiness and  that exhilaration and buzz.. that starts in my stomach and takes over my whole body... (I don't get in my everyday job)

I would also like to help people.. I have worked in Health Promotion for the last 7 years and it gives me a real kick.. I love that I could be making a difference to someones life.. 

I would love to work for something like Jamie Oliver's - Ministry of Food... I am passionate about helping people achieve their health and well being goals, including healthy eating and getting out and exercising.

I want to be working somewhere innovative and ever evolving.. I don't think I could sit still somewhere for too long.. (this is coming from someone who was at the same workplace for almost 11 years!!) 

My Hidden Talent 

I'm not sure I have too many hidden talents - I do believe that I have a lot of creative ability to offer, just not sure in what capacity yet... 

I am just not good at trusting myself or my ideas..... I can't see my own capabilities, and if I do, I tend to sell myself way too short... 

I know that I am good at makeup.. I love to do it .... but I am always questioning whether people will like what I have done.. is it too dark, too light... but I know I am good... I just need to trust my instincts more! I know I have creative talents hidden, even If I am yet to find out what these are!! Oh I did just make a video of my Coffee Journey - you can check it out here!!

The most creative thing I've ever done... 

Front on mind of course is my whirlwind coffee tasting journey last year and starting my blog on a complete whim... 

As soon as I opened up Blogger and created my account.. and posted that first post something was lit inside, a burning desire to do more with my creative side... I'm still plodding away.. I cant get any ideas off the ground.. there is too much stuff going on in real life that take up most of my time but I would love to dedicate some time getting creative and in the right headspace to come up with ideas... but its slowly slowly  evolving and I hope it can continue to be my creative outlet! 

People come to me when they need help with...

Well its certainly not when they need something fixed.. I go to my dad for that.. I am not really a problem solver of the traditional kind!  Lately people come to me when they need to cook something sweet.. I'm not an expert... but I love baking.. its another creative thing that  brings me joy.. When I was pregnant with Darby, I had a craving for cupcakes.. not so much to eat them, but to bake them, it was like being pregnant unlocked this hidden baking gene.. (I went ahead and cooked over 200 cupcakes for my baby shower - at 35 weeks pregnant!!)  

Cupcakes before they were in vogue-  my daggy versions at my
baby shower!

People seem to come to me when they need to talk something over, I am an excellent listener, and give sound advice, advice from the heart, honest advice, advice from life experience... 

Also I always get asked for makeup advice!!! (I'll take questions any time!!!)

The sort of problems I like to solve are....

I don't think I am much of a problem solver... maybe I'm too busy daydreaming and thinking about the future that I cant get pulled into the present to sort out a problem! 

I like to be challenged.. so if the problem was of the electronic kind.. I would give it a go... 

Someone else thinks I am good at...

I really wasn't sure how to answer this one.. so I turned to Darby again.. and he said I was good at drinking good coffee.. Amen to him!!! He knows me too well!

I guess others have told me I am good at manoeuvring my way through solo parenting with a smile on my face and a positive attitude.. I hope that I inspire some people! (I really try not to complain about it.. I probably don't talk about it enough .. something I will work on!) 

Oh and back to the makeup - I have been told I am pretty good, I suppose that is why I'm off to do 2 weddings in the next 2 weeks.. where I will make 10 gorgeous women, look even more amazing!

Phew that was really hard..... Now I'm off to do the Oprah quiz.. looking forward to finding out more ... and reporting back of course!

Until next time , life is too short  to drink crappy coffee... 

Marching to my own beat ... week 2 !!

I found this week's "March to your own beat" challenge set by Laney at Crash Test Mummy much more challenging than week one.... hence thats the reason I didn't get it posted until today! (As well as it being a frantic week at work and I am completely and utterly exhausted! I think I'm heading towards a crash and burn soon .. although I hope not!! ) 

So I am guessing the following weeks will be just as hard at making me question my values, beliefs and what is important to me,  not only as a mum but as an individual, the person that I know is in there, but that I don't see much of anymore.......  

I had to dig very deep to come up with these answers, because on any given day these answers could be completely different... Its not as though my values or beliefs change dramatically .. but there is always an ebb and flow of whats going on in life and what is important right at each particular moment! I bet I read this next week and will have something better to say! 

 More than anything I want to do something about  

Providing Darby the most stable future that I can... this means I have needed to work on the ways I manage my relationship with his dad. I want to be able to look back and  feel proud of how I have  handled what was always going to be a very difficult situation.
I have had to really grow up  and let go of all the baggage, the anger and resentment that to be honest was holding me back. It was so so  easy to get caught up in all of these negative emotions, the whats,  whys, ifs, hows,  I could feel myself getting bitter and twisted  playing my life out in my head (aren't we all just a little bit bitter and twisted at times?) and it  really wasn't good for anyone..
Once I surrended  that anger I felt a new sense of wellbeing, of calm... of being able to see into a more positive future. 
Those postal feelings come up once in awhile, but I really try my very best  to keep them in check as much as possible.  I want  Darby to look back and say:
"wow even though mum and dad weren't together, they could still be friends...still do things together, still celebrate my successes, my journey in life and provide me with equal love and support together.." (well I'm sure he won't phrase it this way... but you know what I mean!) 
I want him to have profound respect and gratitude for the fact I made the right decision to be a single mum but also that Dave and I could be so close! Who knew I would get to this point...

The values that are most important to me are...

Maintaining my sense of self..  I think I have always tried to do this..  I have always tried to look after myself... This is very important to me and I didn't want that to change when I became a mum... there were obvious adjustments, but that sense of self and self care were still there... being a mum is undoubtedly the most important thing  to me, but so is allowing myself to be creative, happy  and making sure I have work /life /mum/balance.  This used to be easier in a partnership.. it is much harder to balance the scales now, I have to ask people to help and this isn't always an easy thing to do... 
Oh and of course my sense of family is very important.. my family is everything to me.. Darby is my family but one day I would like to be able to expand my family... this is the journey I am currently on.. (a man hunt!) 

My proudest moment.
There have been many... climbing Ayres Rock when even I thought this was impossible with my dodgy hips, seeing my footy team win a grand final, delivering Darby in a very peaceful, uncomplicated way, well it would have been complicated if I had him 45 minutes earlier in my car!! (this is making me want to write down his birth story before all the quirky elements dissipate from my brain!) 

I want to be remembered for 

Being a creative force... Im not sure I am there yet... but I have been told by other people I have a creative gene.. Im just on an adventure to find my niche! I need to do physical things... things I am able to touch.. I also want to be remembered for making people feel good! This is why I love doing wedding makeup.. nothing feels better than making someone shine on one of their most important days..

Time stands still when 

I think.. I'm a thinker, a ponderer of life.. I can lose hours just working through the things in my head.. It really is quite exhausting!! ...

I gained a greater understanding of how my head works when I completed the Birkman assessment I did as part of my job redundancy last year.. this psychological assessment gave me unique insights into my  personality, things I already knew and things I knew but never wanted to admit... When I was being walked through mine, it was like a light bulb moments.. flash, flash, flash, I felt tears rolling down my face.. It was so spot on! 
Thinking and working things over in my mind rated really really highly for me, as it was an innate habit, I had never really noticed.. Now that I am aware,  I feel better equipped to work through my thinking to give me answers, ideas and inspirations.. 

My most treasured possession ..


Apart from Darby which is a given, my most treasured possessions are my photos... They adorn every wall and space of my very small unit! They tell my story, take me back to a place, a memory, a smell, a moment... I love photos and I love to get behind the camera and take them! This will never ever change! (I guess I love my computer as well as it houses all my photos!)   Also my bracelet I received for my 30th from Darby, and my mum, dad and sis... I wear it religiously every day and I feel naked without it! 

Something I was totally and emotionally committed to ....

My coffee challenge last year... and  the reason I began this blog.. 
The challenge I set was random... but it said a lot about me, I felt as though at the time, and even now I was worthy of some kind of success... I needed to do something for myself, throw myself head first into a challenge... Ok drinking 100 coffees seems pretty unique in intself...   but having just gone through a painful relationship breakdown.. it was important for me to find myself again, and to help myself heal... I used it as my reward for the year... 


It was the glue that held me together.. without it I would have fallen apart!

Until next time , life is too short  to drink crappy coffee... 

Marching to my own beat....Who am I ???

 I saw this "March to your own Beat" challenge from Laney over at Crash Test Mummy and it really resonated with me.. I think about my life before I was a mum a lot.. My journey into motherhood was not as I had played out in my mind.. A big surprise.. but I wouldnt have it any other way now...   So it takes so brain power to  really remember... but its nice to put my mummy mind to work and reminisce about the good old days pre kids!! 

Me Before I was a mum...

I was young... really young.. but I only see that when I look back at the photos now (and in the mirror at the subsequent wrinkles). 

I was 27 when I had Darby so not a spring chicken by any standards, but at the time I imagined babies to be an  something I would do when I was older, more mature and grown up, something I would get around to doing after some travelling the world and once I hit my dirty thirties!! So it was to my surprise that in January 2007 I discovered I was preggers!! A very very  big  shock to the system! So I had to adjust suddenly from being all about me to being all about me and my baby!! It took a lot of getting used to and alot to get my head around!

So here are a few random things that before I was a mum I used to: 

❤  I used to drink too much, stay out all night dancing and sleep all the next day without a care in the world! 

❤  I loved singing karaoke to really bad bad music - Think Foreigner, Dragon, Belinda Carlisle, Bon Jovi.. Fleetwood Mac.. come to think of it I would still love this if  I just got the chance...

❤  I went out with really bad toxic boys...something I  will try really hard to avoid  now!!

❤  I was a fabulous friend (I hope I still am).. always willing to lend an ear, or shoulder to cry on..

❤  I could sleep when I wanted where I wanted
❤ I could call in sick to work.. I discovered there are no sick days when you are a mum!

❤  I used to go to the football with my dad (a past favourite love of mine!) 

❤ I could visit a toilet/shower or any other private place without feeling like I was being invaded by a little one

❤ I had a sense of humour

❤ My heart didn't explode out of my chest at the joy and the fear of motherhood

❤  My bum wasn't as saggy, actually most of my body was more perky and not heading south...

❤  I was messy - yep.. this I still am... 
❤  I was vain and  obsessed with how I looked.. 
❤  I was constantly on a diet... whatever made me look the most fab and less flab.. actually I am probably still at this point... although Im not as fab anymore!

❤ Wearing a boob tube wasn't a big deal

❤  Actually wearing any thing that revealed skin was a okay

❤ Singing loudly in the car was acceptable and I wasn't judged or laughed at, or told to stop!

❤ I never went to a playground

❤  I used to exercise daily (probably why I could wear a boob tube!)
❤ I wasn't very maternal, and the thought of holding a baby scared the bejesus out of me

❤  I could make last minute decisions without it affecting anyone or having to deal with logistics!

❤   I ate a bowl of ice-cream every single night! 

❤  My list could go on and on .......

The most important lesson i have learnt..  
I realised I can pretty much deal with any shit life throws at me... Knock me down and I will get back up again stronger and more resilient. I have had some crap things to deal with over the years - many many operations on my legs, a hip replacement, a very painful nerve condition in my face, the breakdown of my relationship, and the guts to put myself first and become a single parent.  Although they have been as hard as hell, I have managed to stay positive...always trying to see the glass half full.  I definitely think I have managed better with  my physical pain  than the emotional crap that has come along.. Cut my leg open any day.. it is less painful than a broken heart...

The craziest thing I have done... 

I tend to have down some pretty crazy things.. Why were there always under the influence of alcohol??? I remember doing some rather immature and crazy things when I was on crutches... I'm sure I can think of more but my brain eludes me tonight!! One semi crazy thing was a Tuesday night dinner at a friends place, that turned into a full blown party (of 4) - drinks... dancing and very very loud singing!!! Enough for the Police to be called at 2am... we just didnt hear them knocking on the apartment door...  until there was a break in the song... They had recieved several complaints from neighbours! Oops!!!  

I did .... even when people told me it couldn't be done .....

I recovered from my Hip Surgeries much faster than anyone thought I could..most of this was my sheer will to get better.. I remember knowing each day I was a step closer to being better and back to normal  and these positive thoughts really drove me...

I also managed to deliver Darby naturally even when those around me thought I would need to have a Caesarean .. I proved them all wrong, I had him  40 minutes after arriving at hospital, no time for the drugs!  

I knew exactly what to do and knew I was right when....
I moved in with Dave after 2 months of getting together.. It was crazy... but I have always gone on my gut instinct and its generally pretty spot on.. If my heart and head is telling me its right, it is the right thing to do!  
When I was toeing and frooing whether to end my relationship with Dave, I knew it was the right thing for me to do, no matter how painful and distressing it was at the time.  I was making the right decision for myself and for Darby, and no one else could make that call for me..That has been by far the biggest and hardest decision I have made in my life...
Most recently when my role was made redundant and they offered me another role in the company, I knew it was the right thing for me to leave.. It was one of the hardest conversations I have had but it has been the best decision I have made.. 

I can't wait until next week for the next challenge.. I will get my creative juices flowing so I can think of more things!!!

Until next time