Showing posts with label IBOT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IBOT. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Happy Birthday Darby - Here is your birth story....




I have never really thought of sharing the story of how Darby entered the world. It wasn't really a thing I blogged about and I felt as though he was too old for me to do this. Yet on the eve of his 5th birthday I had this overwhelming urge to finally put it down on paper!
Its not as though his birth was so traumatic that I have blocked it from my mind. Quite the opposite really. 

As far as births go - and I've only done it once, it was a pretty blissful experience - (ok that may be exaggerating a lot). 
From what I remember it wasn't too bad although as the years pass the exact details are getting  a little hazy around the edges.  
I know this is one of those memories  that will never leave me but as he is getting older, I am getting further away from that Tuesday night in September 2007.  

In some way it is nice to have it documented somewhere for me and maybe even him to reflect on in years to come, and by then I'm sure to have forgotten more of the details (I struggled with parts writing this) ! 
So read or don't read this is a story for my little boy...

All throughout  my pregnancy, I would think about the birth, not so much the pain of it, but that magic moment that that baby of mine would be placed on my chest. The thought always made me tear up, the emotions would seem to bubble over and I would burst with this unknown love and happiness. I really didn't know how I was going to cope with the real thing. I thought about this moment every single day of my pregnancy, and it kept me going when I didn't think I had it in me any more. 

Darby's journey in my tummy was fairly smooth sailing, He was nice and cosy and happy in there sitting the right way the whole time  and really enjoying his time. I created a very happy home, maybe too comfy. I  had no expectation as to how big he would be, but from the size of me and my tummy I was hoping he was just a tad on the bigger side, to justify the size I was.  

I chose his name really early on, I just knew I was having a boy, so I called him Darby from the very start. I heard a celebrity had called his son that and I just got stuck on that name.  No others  resonated enough with me, I loved others, Aiden, Jacob & Spencer, but none of them felt the same. 
Dave was not convinced by my choice, he actually didn't like it all that much,  so I had alot of work to do to convince him.  A lot!

His due date was September 17, so that day I kept myself extra busy, I took myself off to the shops, I had a coffee in Borders  and read all of the Monday magazines.  I went grocery shopping, and lugged quite a few heavy bags back to the car, anything to start labour rolling.  I picked up some last minute things I  was sure to need in the delivery room;  lollies,  pack of cards and some more magazines! 
I kept getting messages from well meaning friends and relatives wishing me luck, but this just made me more nervous. I rang a couple to  let them know I was still waiting, and let a few more stew on it to think I may have been in labour ! I'm cruel like that!

I spoke to Dave countless times, I'm sure he was sick of me calling, but at the same time probably apprehensive about the whole thing himself!

That night came and went and still no sign of anything. I was one frustrated 40 week pregnant woman! 

I couldn't sleep all night, getting up so many times to empty my bladder, and at 5.30am I woke up feeling ultra uncomfortable so I got up and had a shower and dressed myself in my usual at home, heavily pregnant attire - tracksuit and one of Dave's t-shirts! 
I layed on the couch and started to have niggling pains and what  I thought to be small contractions. I never had Braxton Hicks, so I had no idea what to expect.  The pain wasn't that bad so I sent Dave to work.  The pains were bearable and I was sure he would irritate me if he sat around just waiting and wondering, he was not good at waiting,  so I was sure it would have slowed things down. 

I had planned on  going to the movies and seeing Hairspray in Yarraville, but decided against it, if I really was in labour I didn't want to have my waters break in a movie theatre watching a very cheesy movie. 
So I stuck to watching TV, I decided napping was the only way to survive morning television.
These contractions were coming every 20 minutes or so and then they would stop and go away for an hour.  I was getting frustrated when they would come back and then go away.
I went to the computer and googled "What do contractions feel like" I got various answers, "like back pain" "tightening of your stomach" "like period pain".
I could kind of put the pains I was having into one of those boxes, but I decided to ring the hospital just to ask some questions. 
I rang through and spoke to quite a huffy midwife.  I cant remember the exact conversation, but it went something like, 
Midwife: Is this your first baby? 
Me: Yes
Midwife: Have your waters broken?
Me: No
Midwife: Have you had a show?
Me: No.
Midwife: Are your contractions regular or 5 minutes apart? 
Me: No. 
Midwife: OK, you are not having any signs of active labour, so you are probably in for a long couple of days, make sure you get some rest. 
Me: Great, just great..
It seemed as though I was wasting her time. She then mentioned or warned me if I called 3 times I would have to come in to be monitored. 

So I just napped again, pains coming and going but not getting worse. I am not sure how I filled the day, other thank laying on the couch and watching bad daytime TV and surfing the net.

I called Dave at 3 or 4 when it felt as though the pains were getting slightly worse. I asked him to come home and pick up dinner.  I called the hospital again. To say I was in a little more pain, I spoke to the same midwife. I'm sure she was annoyed again. No more signs really except for more pain. She advised me to go and take some panadol or panadeine if I had it - I was most likely in for a very long night! 

I popped some panadol, which did absolutely nothing. 

I just felt like the company at this point to relieve the boredom. Dave came home and we organised dinner.  He picked up some fan bloody tastic  lamb steaks, from our local butchers, marinated in rosemary and mint.  I didn't feel like a whole heap, so I just had a few bites even though they were beautiful. We then decided it was a great idea to clean out the fridge.  We were trying to kill some time, Oh the things you do when you think you think you are in labour. At this point it was about 7.30pm and my contractions were stronger. We started watching TV and for some reason we were watching Poker tournaments on Foxtel, I handled this ok, until the pain was almost unbearable. 
My contractions were still all over the shop, every 10 minutes, then every 2 and then 5.  I was getting so frustrated with Dave and his counting, I knew it wasn't his fault, but I was starting to get annoyed! I turned to him and said "Turn that f***ing Poker off" - and with that it was Game on! 
I went to the toilet and had a show!! I freaked out, but was ok. The pain was getting pretty horrible and contractions were every 2 minutes. I thought it may be a good idea to have a shower, as I was about to get in, I had this overwhelming urge to push - oh oh. 

I think this was showtime and I wasn't really meant to be mucking around at home. How could it be, it didn't feel like I had been in labour long enough, I was expecting to be in this state for days. 

I told Dave to call the hospital and tell them we were coming in! We left home at around 9.30. The 15 minute drive to the hospital was the most painful of them all. I couldn't get comfortable, and the contractions were really strong.  Of course we managed to encounter a road train crossing, which took up 5 -10 minutes, or what felt like a lifetime! At this point I told Dave to turn the car around and go home, I had, had enough - alarm bells went off in my head as I remember that kind of talking came right right at the end when you could do no more. 
My contractions were coming thick and fast and the urge to push was strong, oh crap, I was going to have this baby by the edge of the roadside! 

Luckily that didn't occur and I think I sighed a little when we arrived at the hospital at  right on 10.00pm.  On the walk from the car to the door I had to stop every couple of moments to get through a contraction.   A guy walked past just staring at us, I was glad it was late at night, but I really didn't give a hoot. 
We arrived at St Vincents, and Dave checked us in. I had contractions all the way up to the delivery suite. 

I walked in to the suite and went straight to the bathroom to get dressed into a hospital gown , on the toilet there was a big gush and my waters broke. I came out in my glamorous  robe and onto the bed  and I  began pushing straight away,  I was fully dilated. 

I asked for pain relief,  but the lovely midwife said the only pain relief I would be getting would be having this baby, although she set up the gas to make me feel better. 

They called my obstetrician who luckily lived around the corner and he arrived 10 minutes later.  I didn't know how the pushing was going to work with my hip replacement, but it just did, I layed on my side, with Dave giving me ice and telling me to keep my chin down. It all happened so fast, all of a sudden, they told me to stop pushing and start panting (no time to feel like a dog at this point!), the head was out, and then a few more pushes and there at 10.51pm he was, pulled out and  that magical moment where he was placed on my chest. My little boy.


Those tears I thought I would have didn't come, instead the happiest smile broke out across my face, I beamed from ear to ear as I looked down at this little boy I loved so much already. I looked up at Dave, his cheeks were wet from his tears, the ones I thought I would have. I don't remember the rest, being stitched up or the placenta, I just spent time gazing into this little boys eyes.  

No time for cameras, no time for card games, you were in a big hurry to get out. 
Darby weighed 8 pound 6, 51cm and was squishy and chubby and just perfect. Both him and I went into shock, but some kind of delirious, happy shock. He didn't cry and he sure as hell didn't want to eat. 

We tried to call my mum and dad, but the phone rang out , we tried again and the same thing! So I called my sister. Woke her up from her sleep! Took a few moments for her to register with her that she had become an Aunty. She was very excited (and our first visitor the next day!) Eventually my mum called me back. I said, "mum you are a grandmother" - she was taken aback and again it took her awhile to register that my baby had already arrived! {It turns out they had got stuck into the red wine that night and were in a deep sleep when I called!!}

There he was, my perfect little bundle of joy, so cliched, but oh so true. He has become my right hand man through those 5 years, it has been such an honour to watch him grow.

Now he is five, and growing up so quickly! 

Happy Birthday Darb's,  Love you heaps my little man. Thank you for being you! 


Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM  (hope she is feeling better after her wisdom teeth extraction!) for

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee





Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Flowers; my unlikely friend!


You see flowers and I don't really get along! I love the look of them, they can brighten up a room or my day, make a house a home, (but the flowers in my home are all of the fake plastic kind).  Its just that the real things don't make me feel physically good. We have a very fractured past. 

When given them in hospital when having my hip replacement they gave me massive headaches and nearly made me pass out. (They were quickly escorted out of the room.)
I then broke out in hives when Darby was born from all those beautiful congratulatory bunches.  My new mother body resembled a big red blotch, not to mention the itch factor. Again all those gorgeous bunches were removed from sight.
I was also allergic to the flowers I had as bridesmaid in the wedding I was just in, the migraine I got was shocking, but I just kept on smiling! When I caught the bouquet at the end of the night, I asked the bride politely if I could leave them behind!

Not to mention the severe hay fever that entails when spring rolls around. We are 11 days in, and I'm happy to say the sneezing hasn't begun, but I am waiting!
 
So doing a Fox in Flats style dare about celebrating the first week of spring  by wearing flowers seemed crazy to me.  That is until I took a good look around my wardrobe and took in the abundance of flowers. Flowers of all kinds staring right back at me.  It seemed my lack of flowers in the real world was replaced by my need to dress in every floral assortment available. I could have done this dare for a month and still not have run out of something with a flower on it.
I have tried many a style dare this year, but never nailing it. Running out of steam or of the clothes/accessories I'm meant to be showcasing, but not this one! 
Even though the style dare is now over, I'm still in my floral wear and plan to stay that way all through spring.
 
Do you wear flowers?? Do you have a style that you have just become aware of wearing?
 

Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM for

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee













Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Partying with the Pink leopard!

After last week feeling a little not quite myself and a tad blue, not helped at all by a lingering, pesky head cold  it was nice to just put that all aside and let my hair down (well what was left of it after a seriously big "trim") 
I was in the mood to party, and what better way than to  help celebrate my lil sisters 30th Birthday! Great food, good company and a barrel of laughs! I haven't laughed like than in as long as I can remember, and it felt good!
 I also got to hang out with an awesome blogger, one of my sisters good friends from work! (She also made a spectacular chocolate torte, which we ate with the all round classic Neapolitan ice-cream! ) 
The Pink Leopard and I started blogging round about the same time, and I always go to her for food inspiration. She has the most amahhzing food blog and cooks food to die for. Do your self a favour , GO check it out for some inspiration, She makes the hard look easy, or is that the other way round!  Anyway she was a blast to hang out with, and she also had some very funky moves I haven't seen in years when she hit the faux dance floor at my sisters house,  that girl can move her thang!  
I can't dance for anything, but no one was stopping me from my head banging and giggling my way through some WHAM!
 
I think all I needed to cure my not feeling myself  blues was some dancing to some really cheesy music, with some fist pumping and air guitaring to match, oh and a couple of glasses of champagne definitely helped too! 

How do you get out of a slump when you are feeling blue??


Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM for

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee





Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Straight from the hip - The adventures of my dodgy legs...

So I thought it might be time to share the long and  problematic story of my dodgy, troubled legs.  I have wanted to write about them for some time now.. but just never got around to doing it. Just never seemed to be that important...
Somehow I have found the time and energy to write the story and have managed to churn out a a long long long post... I probably should have split it up but I just kept typing! 

Like my star sign,  Sagiiturius.... my life has been ruled by my hips... yes they are wide and childbearing, but they have been to hell and back and stayed strong, they are the foundation to my body.. when they fail, everything seems to fall apart! 

I have not let them define who I am and the person I have become....Although some of my personality traits, good and bad probably come from dealing with this pain every day of my life..... 

Except for the odd Drama Queen moments I know I am a better person because of the journey my legs have taken me on.....

So the other day I had a familiar twinge in my left hip... a pain that I know far too well, and to be honest I don't want to feel, not for the next 10 years anyway. You see, I have had a rocky relationship with my right hip for some time now, 32 years to be exact.....  my left hip, has served me well, not perfect but its been on its best behaviour until now, never really causing me trouble and basically doing as it anatomically should... 
It was like waking and my left hip sarcastically exclaiming  "I'm here, you can no longer ignore me ".....
A few days later and it seems to be ok, only twinging every so often, so I have my fingers and toes  tightly crossed...  
So I better go back  to the start and explain my dodgy right hip's history from beginning to now... 
My godmother and I - mm am I a boy??
I certainly look like it here
In my children's hospital shirt
in my special pram... nice holes in my
plaster!!
I was one of the unfortunate bubs born with dislocated hips....  not  a disaster really .... The only problem it seemed was they weren't picked up in those routine tests that are done on newborns soon as they exit the womb.. nope not in the 70's (actually it became mandatory in the 80's only a month after I was born) .... so they were dislocated from day one.... from all reports I seemed to be a happy enough baby, chubby as anything ... but I just couldn't move much.. my mum took me to doctors when I couldn't move my legs properly and  was showing no interest in sitting, rolling or crawling..  but they dismissed her as a first time mum who was just overly concerned... finally someone listened to her  and saw the quite obvious problem.. I was 10 months old  and I had dislocated hips!! 

I immediately taken to the Royal Children's hospital and put in plaster... a month for every month I was old .. so from 10 months to almost 2 years I was in plaster.. from ankle to waist... with only a little slit for you know what!! 
I learnt to crawl, (on my mum and dads gravel driveway and rip mighty big holes in my plaster) and finally to walk when my legs were free at almost two..

My parents spent a fair time travelling from the country down to Melbourne to have my plaster changed every month... I was lucky I had been chubby as a baby.. I lost quite a lot of weight with the hospital stays!  I can only imagine it would have been quite distressing for my parents at the time.. I cant remember it.. except I have a vivid memory of having my plaster sawn off my legs, I would have been almost 2, not sure its a dream or a memory.. 

After that I was all good... but then around the age of 4 , my parents noticed I started limping a lot and I  described  an aching pain in my hips,  I was then diagnosed with Perthes disease, a degenerative bone disease in my right hip.. something a lot more common in boys than in girls... 

I can't really remember it having a big impact, but it did mean I got out of lots of activities at school .. no high jump or hurdles for me ... 
The downside I  was often the last one picked in a sports team as I was slowest and couldn't really run.. I did manage to play netball and basketball and did lots of swimming, so by no means was I missing out on active childhood..   
My hips then didn't give me much trouble again... it was only the odd immature boy at high school who would tease  me for my slight limp, which only happened when I was tired and on my legs for too long... 
At my year 10 camp to Central Australia I flatly refused climbing Ayres Rock.. only to be talked into climbing UP THE the whole thing!! Although 2 male teachers had to carry me down the last 50 or so metres off the rock ...what a sight that must have been! I remember my legs shaking and shaking for some time after that.. probably not from pain but from sheer shock that I could do such a thing!! I'm sure my hips have had a lot to do with a low self confidence over my life, not allowing me to step to of my comfort zone... 

My hips stayed all happy... my whole tweens and into my 21st year.. (my knee on the other hand dislocated a few times... which was more horrifying than anything.. if you have ever seen those footy players knees dislocate on the field and they have to pop it back in.. I have been there done that.. on more than one occasion!) 
So in my 21st year the familiar hip pain that I hadn't felt for years came back.. I started limping all the time and I was generally just uncomfortable, depressed and getting fat from my inactivity... I took myself begrudgingly to the GP and he referred me to an Orthopedic surgeon.. after a multitude and hundreds of dollars later, I had had every Xray, Cat Scan and MRI anyone could have of there lower body, I was sent to a back specialist, but in the end I found Dr Young... The Hip Doctor!!! 
I have seen him more times than I can count now ....  In my first appointment,  it him about 2 mins into the conversation and one look at my  Xray to mention the S word!! mmmm it looked like I was  going to have surgery! 

My first surgery was booked for December 2001 and I really was so naive.. At 21 I don't think I took that much in.. and to be honest and to his apology and credit  later Dr Young did not prepare me very well with what was to expect, because what came next was a very rude awakening.. into a life and pain I was not familiar with! 
My first operation a Periacetabular Osteotomy was in the hope I didn't have to have a Hip replacement, basically it was a hip reconstruction... to put it where it was meant to be, in hind sight it was to get my hip in the best position for the hip replacement to come...!!
Without the gory details, I basically had my Femur (the largest bone in the body) cut in half and moved around.. and then a rod shoved down it.. nice!! 
So I was not prepared for the pain I had to endure.. I remember my mum and sister sitting by my bed in tears as I was screaming and crying in so much pain.. and I had all the pain meds I could handle... I soon learnt that Morphine was not my friend.. my body was allergic to it... 
All glammed up and no where to go!!! That stick in
the air was to help me get out of bed... I got a lot of use out
of all the smorgasbord of products from the
oldies shops, including a cool toilet seat!!
I spent the next 5 or 6 weeks being looked after by my parents, including showering and all things that as a 22 year old you wouldn't want your parents to be doing or knowing..
I was on crutches for the next 6 months or so and went about my daily life as normal, this included nights out to bars and pubs... (I still don't know why and earth I did this...no common sense obviously!) catching a tram to work every day... 

So it was no wonder after about 3 months I was back in hospital as I had developed a haematoma (blood clot) around the top of my hip! 
So off for another 2 nights in hospital... and not even a month later I was back in again for my rod to be removed.. This time it was more serious.. The rod had splintered in my leg.. too many falls  had caused this (those damn crutches had a habit of slipping on anything!) 
My surgeon warned me that my leg was still broken, the rod was meant to be in for at least another 6 months for my bone to heal and fuse!!  I was on strict strict instructions not to fall over.... A very hard ask of someone who practically trips over every day!!! But I managed to keep my promise and keep myself away from the operating table for the next 6 months! 
Phew... I had a arthroscope at the end of the year to make sure it was all ok... and in 2003 I managed to have surgery free year! 



2004 was not to be so lucky.. after a few falls (surprise surprise) on my right knee... I knew it was not in good shape.. but I waited too long to see my surgeon about it.. 
I managed to get an appointment and the next day I was being wheeled into theatre for a knee reconstruction... it was to  tighten the ligaments around my kneecap so it wouldn't dislocate anymore... Out of all my operations this was one of the most painful and hardest to get over.. it really took it out of me.. I think I would have slipped into a deep depression, but it was at the same time I started going out with Dave.. and falling head over heels seemed to take some of the pain away! 

In the December I was scheduled to have another massive surgery on my right hip, again trying to stop me from having a replacement... this surgery meant I needed a few months of work to rehabilitate. 
Luckily for me the surgery was cancelled, at the time I was shattered, but in retrospect it was the best thing that could have happened...  
I managed to get through the next 18 months with the odd Arthroscope to keep an eye on my hip, until the moment came on a Friday afternoon in  March 2006... 

At an appointment with Dr Young and myself (it always was the way when I was being delivered the biggest news aka surgery I was always by myself!) at the age of 26 I was told I would need a hip replacement.  
The hip replacement I was hoping was still 10 years away .. was now upon me.. I still have vivid memories of that day... of my hands shaking as I booked Friday May 12 as my surgery date... and walking out of the doctors rooms, holding in the tears until I was out on the street and the sunglasses were on my face.. of making the call to Dave to tell him... of sobbing into the phone as I called my mum and dad.. I really did fall apart...
I don't know why I was so upset.. It felt like my own body had failed me..
Looking back I wished I had seen it as an opportunity to heal my body and to make it better... in the months prior to my surgery my mindset shifted and I only looked at the positives. My resilience kicked in and to be honest it hasn't ever gone away....

Just after my Hip Replacement operation.... looking doped up!!!!
This time I was organised... in the 6 weeks leading up to the surgery I tried to get in the best shape I could... I read all the information I could get my hands on, I met up with other young people who had had the procedure.. My surgeon had just undergone the same surgery a few months earlier, so he really did empathise with me this time.. he even wrote a recovery guide to help me undestand what was going to happen and the aftermath ...
Day 3 after Hip replacement - I already have the makeup
back on!!! I must be ok!
The day rolled around and I really wasn't that nervous.. I looked at my positive future.. and how this was going to help me ......  I knew it would be painful and yes it was out of this world painful... I couldn't get enough of pethidine.. or any other drug they threw at me... Some of the more painful moments were the relatively smaller ones, like getting the drip removed... having the catheter taken out... all the ones I was awake for!! 

I had 4 -5 weeks off work... spent mostly at my mum and dads house.. the perfect place to relax and do nothing... those weeks of recovery were so nice.. I did have bad days.. but I could physically see I  was getting better every day....
I really soothed my soul whilst I was there.. I focused on other things, like my diet, I lost so much weight... doing nothing meant I ate next to nothing too! I looked after my skin, I read trashy mags, I watched trashy tv, I would go for drives with my mum.. I would spend the weekends with Dave ... He would wheel me around the shopping centres of Bendigo.. and we would go for coffee... It was such a nice healing time for me...

I enjoyed all these simple things and let my body's healing powers take care of themselves ! It was really remarkable! 
Within 6 weeks of my operation I was off crutches and within 8 weeks I was doing a pump class...  Even I was astounded ....

I realised this was the best thing that has ever happened to me... The changes were remarkable...  I am a huge hip replacement advocate now.... I know in time,  that I will wear this one out... and I know I will need this surgery again some day .. and on the other leg too... I know my legs will go through a whole lot more over their life span... but its not all bad...
I managed to birth Darby naturally a year later, I have managed to walk marathons.. do all the things I have needed to... I have just adapted them to my own abilities... They dont hold me back, nor do they define me....
They are part of who I am and am proud of the journey they have taken me on, I don't know of a life without them being as they are.....  Mostly I am glad that they have left me with the strength and resilience I didn't know existed...
(sorry for the long post!) 
Bit too much info - I know.. Java Jane in her undies..
Here is a pic of my scar a month old... it is all
hidden under cellulite now!!!



Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess who I had the pleasure of meeting at DPCON2012 at the weekend...  at Diary of SAHM for 

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Hours….


I  have been thinking about my trip a lot lately… for those that haven't read before.. I am heading off to Mauritius in July to be a bridesmaid for a friends wedding and then heading to London for to catch up with my best friend. 
There are around 2360 hours until I leave for my trip…. 
2256 hours until the wedding in Mauritius for Elisha and Lindley 
2232 hours until I am hungover and need a rest by the beach  
2160 hours until I board a plane for London 
2054 hours until I get on a train and head to the place I have wanted to go to FOREVER- Paris 
2045 hours until I spend countless hours gossiping and helping my dear friend shaz with her little bub
2880 hours until I arrive home in Melbourne 

I have  also calculated the hours that I will be away from home  as well… 546 hours….. 
546 hours … 546 hours …. Then it dawned on me, well not really, more like a punch in the chest as I knew this was coming all along… 

I will go for 546 hours without a kiss or a cuddle, from Darby…  without him jumping all over me.. or letting him  gently sweep his hand across my hair…  546 hours where I will not have the pleasure of helping him get dressed, taking him to kinder, pick him up from kinder and take him for trips out for coffee.. 546 hours without hearing his laugh…putting him to bed… and our night time ritual of him sitting on my knee as we tell each other silly stories… our talks together.. him teaching me things every day with his batman wisdom…

I will also not feel the frustration that sometimes comes with solo parenting but left with me I will have the more gut wrenching thought of not seeing him for so long…. 

This makes me tear up at the thought.. Ill have to harden up a little or I might not be able to get on the plane,  the fact I will not be in any distance, to smother him in kisses makes me feel sick.. and makes my heart ache… This is my baby we are talking about!
It will be a massive learning curve to spend that much time alone, with myself.. talking to myself.. learning about myself.. its something I'm going to have to get used to! 
I know that this is the break that I deserve and I am yearning for it so much each day… I realise this is my first chance in a long time to grow up.. to take care of me, only me…  I'm not sure I'll like it … but  maybe I will come to realise that there is a happy medium of taking care of me to help with the long term care of Darby.. a happy mum…. makes a happy child… 

I know that Darby will be in such good care with his dad, and his family to help out as well as my family and friends.. he will be surrounded by love and care… he may even forget who is mum is - well until I get off the plane with all his presents from London! 

We talk about my holiday every day, so that he understands that it is just me going.. Its hard for him to understand as  we have been hand in hand for the last 2 years.. we are a team, we have stuck together.. we have looked after each other.. we say this to each other every night as we drift off to sleep.. Ill be leaving our team for a little while …. but Ill be coming back, more cultured… more relaxed and  a better mummy…

I'm not to going to dwell on this too much, otherwise it will take up all my brain space and I have so much to organise, passport, wedding bits and pieces, my trip to Paris and around England  etc etc.. these are all exciting and life changing things for me.. It is scaring the hell out of me but I know it will be exhilarating and I know I will come back a bit changed..  hopefully for the better..

Who has left their child/children for a long period of time? How did you cope.. What strategies did you use? How did the children go? 



Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM for  IBOT .... share around the love... 
Until next time, life is too short for crappy coffee

{In the meantime on another serious note.. I now know I have 2360 hours to get into shape… My first stint as a bridesmaid and I want to be in tip top shape… So that will keep me focused for the next 3 or so months! }



Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Crash and burn....


It seems that Tuesday is not my day! I seem to always fall apart on a Tuesday.. and it is always the day where my blogs take on a more serious side... I think it must be  my little cry out for help!!

Life is being a little bit tough on me at the moment... nothing drastic, just work, parenting, finances, not having a car, and this lingering feeling of panic and feeling out of control...
I'm feel like I'm heading for some kind of meltdown.. I'm sure it's only minor, but the pressure I am feeling, from myself most of the time is making me sick... giving me headaches and heart palpitations (no its not the coffee!) and generally making me weary!


I look back at this time last year and the same thing is happening. Its all the familiar feelings and signs.... I crashed and burned in April last year... BIG TIME.... It wasn't pretty...I was worn out... and there were days I didn't want to get out of bed and face the world... I cried at the drop of a hat... over just about anything...... (Yes I was crying out for help!!!! )  Not many people saw it... but it lasted on and off for 2 or so months... I hadn't let myself get to that point.. to go crazy, get angry or feel really sad  since my breakup the year before, So maybe it is all in my brain, a signal for myself to recognise what happened 1 year ago when things began to crumble, and life as I knew it disintegrated before my eyes..... 
So I'm guessing that is what is happening right now...  Its like some little alarm bells going off telling me to approach the next little while with caution!! So maybe that's all I have to do! 

I know my work schedule.. working more than I have in five years is still taking quite a lot of getting used to.. I know I will but it is exhausting.. I keep craving a day off... to catch up on my life.. maybe this full time caper is not for me!!
 I seem to have so many balls up in the air at the moment, and I struggle with the fact that there is no one there to catch me, should I fall or fail...
I know I'm just having a rough day and  things will be ok, but I think I need a giant hug from someone to tell me it's all going to work out in the end... I know I'm as strong as strong can be.. but this vulnerability I'm feeling  just makes me realise I need to ask for help sometimes and maybe even say "yes" even though I hate to that I am not coping so well!!
I'm sure surrendering these feelings will make me feel 100% better! I'm sure this post has been a blur to read, as it was a blur to write...

Let's just see what tomorrow brings...


Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM for 


Friday, March 2, 2012

The story of the red chair....


My red chair was  delivered today.. 6 weeks to the day that I ordered it. I  have been eagerly anticipating the arrival of this chair to finally make my lounge room complete. 
I have been wanting a chair for a corner in my lounge since I moved in... I wanted to have a chair I could curl up in to read, use my computer on and gaze out the window.. It was to be my space, only mine.  Living in such a small unit took some getting used to, and what I missed most was a place to go and chill out when life got tough, a sanctuary to get away.. Not even the toilet is a sacred place in our house and Darby hates it when I go into my room for some "me time", he just has to join me (to jump on the bed of course) No peace and quiet there..
So even though a chair is small, it is enough to be my own. 


I have been looking for the perfect chair on and off on the likes of eBay and Ikea for awhile now but never really could justify parting with the money.. It was on my wish list but bills, rent and child care came before it and it never made it further up that list..
So why now did I buy it.. well to be honest I found myself in a life is too f$&!ing short moment!! These moments don't happen all that often -thank goodness... 


I decided life is too short to wait for that chair.. I had just visited my cousin in her final week.. Left  in tears from her house, drove myself to a furniture store, and whilst wiping tears away from my red raw face I ordered my new chair...


Life just wasn't fair... I kept saying that over and over and over in my head..and I am sure out loud a few times too..
Those really crap moments in life make us do strange strange things...  I didn't think I would write about these moments.. they are still so raw but my fingers got the better of me and within moments I had written this....


When I saw her for the final time, her body so frail, her blonde hair was even wispier than normal and her body was still, the only thing moving was the rising and falling of her chest.. I don't think I made it far into the room without a sea of tears streaming down my face, her nurse, a family friend, was with her,  and within seconds I was sobbing into this strangers arms, uncontrollable tears.. Tears from somewhere deep, I saw myself in her that day.. That could be me... that was my family... this wasn't fair.. The outline of her face, her pale skin... I could see the similarities now.. We have been told a lot that we looked alike. And I remember weeks later at her funeral people telling me we looked similar.


As her nurse left the room I just sat with her, holding her hand and stroking her face... Thoughts going through my head,  Trying to work out what to say, whether she could hear me, I don't remember much of what I said, only that her eyelashes were incredibly long and luscious, something I hadn't noticed before.... such a random thing to recount, but in those moments the dumbest things popped into my head...  And that I would always remember her laugh, it was incandescent, so unique and so her..
I don't know how long I sat with her.. Long enough for Darby in the other room to start wondering where I was.. I remember leaving her, kissing her gently on her forehead, going to the bathroom to wipe away the tears and returning to Darby (big sunnies on) and gave him the biggest cuddle! I decided then and there to go and get that chair, probably so shallow of me really.... Nothing of material matter was going to make up for how I felt  then.... but I thought it may make me feel better in the future...
So as I sit here in my chair, I feel a sense of calm,  a sense of peace. I am so grateful that whenever I sit in this chair no matter how sad and devastating the situation behind it is,  I will always be reminded of my gorgeous cousin ...


What are you grateful for this week??
Until next time.. Life is too short to drink crappy coffee



Linking up with the beautiful Maxabella Loves



 for 52 Weeks of Grateful

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...