Just another birthday....

Its my birthday at the end of this week.  I love birthdays, I love celebrations. 

So why is it that I  am dreading my special day? 

Ask anyone that knows me and they will be able to tell you how much I love my birthday.

I have always loved my birthday, always.  I remember having a count down  for the days leading up to the 24th of November every year. Ask my mum and I probably started the countdown in mid September. But she wouldn't mind,  I have been told I inherited this love from her. She is a birthday lover from way back. 

I have so many amazing childhood memories of my birthday, I can recall all of them, there are so many lovely, unique moments. Even of my early adulthood. I had fabulous parties, I loved bringing people together. 

For someone who is sitting on the fence of  being an introvert and extrovert, I would always, always come out of my shell and sit in the extrovert camp on my birthday! It was my day to live it up, to be bold and to be surrounded by people I loved. 

The last few birthdays have been celebrated, but my overall excitement leading up to them has been non existent. I have been sad. Very, very sad. 

I thought my thirties were going to be nothing short of fabulous. I would be confident, life would be on track, and I would have a sense of knowing I was in the right place. 

That really just went out the window in 2010.  Life is nothing like I imagined it to be. And as my birthday approaches, it is just a reminder of what is missing in my life and how far away I am from where I want to be. Although in  saying that I wouldn't trade the special relationship Darby and I have created together.
 

My first birthday as a single parent everything was still so raw, I baked myself a cake and I sat in a work meeting all day and cried.  Last year I was a little better but I still felt really flat, so I just got stuck into Gin and Tonics! That made me feel temporarily better.

This year I feel like nothing has really changed. My birthday is just a little reminder that I am not living my life to its fullest capacity . I know I have the ability too, but I'm just not. 

So many amazing things have happened to me in the year, and I will recognise that, but overall, I know in most aspects of life I need change. 

However I decided on the weekend that I  am going to put that aside, and really try hard to enjoy the opportunities  I have been given and the blessings in my life.

So on Friday I have made myself  a pact to celebrate this special day. As Oprah says "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate",  When Oprah says something you gotta listen! 

 So to mark the occasion I am going to get dressed up, I am going to make myself feel pretty, I am going to chow down on my favourite Mexican food with some of my favourite people, and I am going to go somewhere and dance, dance my little heart out to cheesy music, dance away my 33 year old blues. 

And this year, my 33rd year, I am going to take it by the balls  and I am going to live it. There is no time to waste. I'm going to follow my heart, take some risks and love. Fill my life with love, in whatever shape or form that is, and by the time I get to 34, I hope I'm back to  being excited about that big day..