Full circle.. A story of a break up, a break down and a break through

{ The hardest post I have had to write so bare with me!} 

This post has been sitting in my drafts for over 10 weeks now.. The procrastinator in me couldn't seem to press publish... I would feel just about ready... and as I would almost press the publish button, something would happen, I would find myself at the bottom of the roller coaster of emotions I have been travelling on for the past couple of years and I would nearly go and delete the lot... every last word I have written and that has swirled around in my head.. gone FOREVER from this page.. but who was I kidding.. these thoughts were never going to leave me.. They may be locked away in a far away corner of my brain.. but they will never go....


I know I shouldn't be worried about publishing posts anymore, well I'm not really.. I have such a supportive community around me, so why should I care.. but somehow I just do, its hard for me not too! Sometimes what my brain and heart says..... my fingers cant seem to type.. Its all been rolling around in my head but I have had  this blockage that doesn't let me write freely.... maybe that's because I want my blog to be my happy space, where I celebrate good times.. and my ever growing relationship with Darby, my coffee and happy moments, our journey together... my journey.....
I don't need my blog to go all serious and dark... I am not used to this walk on the dark side.. its not really me or my glass half full approach to life... 
Maybe I'm just worried that those close to me will read this and worry, worry about me, worry about Darby..... Trust me there is nothing at all to worry about.. I'm almost all patched up now.. but sometimes its important to purge to be able to let go.... Talking and writing about it is a way of being  able to release and set those emotions free.. I wanted to do that so much back then  but this is where the blockage came into play.. it held me captive... When I wanted to scream ...... I held it all in! Now I'm ready to scream.... to fill in the puzzle.. to release some feelings and to feel like I am being honest with everyone and myself.. 
So finally after soo long sitting in my drafts  I decided that I would pluck up the courage and post this ... So here is my story! 




This week it is 2 years since my life changed.. 2 years.... I can't really believe it to be honest.. It seems a distant memory, but it feels like yesterday too.. Its hard not to think back to that time  when  an anniversary is approaching.
As part of my healing.. I try not to look back...I try to just move forward and move on, but at times its only natural to want to think about things  that have happened in the past and process them a little bit more .. To put it bluntly a lot of shit has gone down....

I have been thinking about all the ways I would, If I could, deal with my transition to single parenthood and really I don't think I would do much differently.. of course  there are the moments I wish I could delete,  but I have learnt so much about myself, what I can cope with, what I cant' cope with, what I need to work on and to what degree of pain I can take until I cry out for help...
I have also marvelled at the way I have been able to just get on with things as a single parent.. there have been adjustments of course but mostly I am trying my hardest to be the best parent I can possibly be to Darby...  I know I need to take more care of myself but this has taken a back seat for a while now.. its only now that I really want to look after both of of us... I am  trying to  raise Darby as a best as I can... there are hiccups and issues.. but who hasn't got those!
I am  also trying to keep my relationship with Dave on an even playing field and ticking along as  smoothly as can be.. 
This has been a hard one.. and one I have to constantly work on..  no one said this was going to be easy.. No one has made me do this, or encouraged, or told me what to do..what to expect.. how its going to work...  this ones all on me!

Its hard for me to even articulate how my life has changed so OUT OF  THIS  WORLD in a short amount of time.. One day I was a family unit.. the next day that unit and where I thought it was leading was ripped out from under me..
That is incomprehensible sometimes to thing about.. it still doesn't make sense.. 

So its been 2 year since my life changed forever.. I keep saying that.. changed changed changed...there was no particular day or week ... but there were some defining moments that will be etched in my memory forever.. I can recall those memories when I'm in a dark place.. and I  feel sick . It really is still pretty raw...... All these moments led to the hard decision to end my relationship with Dave and led me into the journey of single parenthood......  Those six weeks  leading up to the breakup  and the heartbreaking decisions we both had to make were the hardest of my life..... (I wish I had known about Blogs back then!!) 
It wasn't an easy time for me....I kept it all to myself.. I lived 2 months knowing the inevitable was coming.. but hoping and praying that it wouldn't... only confiding in a few friends where I believed things  maybe heading..  

To put it most simply Dave and I were not on the same page.... There was no compromises with this one.. Our situation was not grey, we couldn't have counselling to fix it... our minds were set.. and they were set so very differently..... 
                                            BLACK and WHITE... 

He didn't want to have any more children, he was happy with Darby and only Darby.. I on the other hand yearned for another baby, another child to fill our life.... for Darby to have a little brother or sister.... for us to build on our family.... 

Our  little Darby was a surprise, he was not planned... he was the best surprise.. but it always made me think that this junction in our relationship would have happened earlier and we would have addressed our feelings sooner and parted ways.. I try not to dwell on the what ifs, and in reality I would not change a thing! I have an adorable boy who lights up both mine and Dave's life in every way..

It was hard for me to navigate this time... The decision was made that day.. when he said those words, but it took 6 weeks of toeing and frooing to finally admit it was over and there was no changing his mind... I earnestly and desperately  pleaded my case 
                                       EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  
always ending in me hysterical... pleading, almost begging.. 

This was not right... I shouldn't have to do that.. In my heart I knew this didn't feel right... I shouldn't have to be on my knees begging and feeling this desperation...  I knew what was coming... but I hoped and prayed something would change.. his feelings would miraculously change.. He sought the advice from his closest confidants.. and most of them  didn't really know why he was doing what he was doing.. But in the end you cant change some ones belief set or what they want.. Even though I was heartbroken it was not right to do that, I could never live with myself... so with a very heavy heart the decision was made to separate.. He genuinely wanted me to have the best chance to find what I wanted in life and that was not with him.....It was what was best for me, but to walk away from 6 years and 9 months.. tough is an understatement....  I knew in my heart of hearts that we probably weren't meant to be together.. but I still loved him..... I was heartbroken, I was angry and sad, and resentful, and relieved and numb... I felt like my only opportunity to have more children was being pulled out from under me.. I cried and cried and then I stopped... just as I was moving out.. the tears seemed to go.. I dried up.. of course they still came from time to time... but something else kicked in... The hardest part was the unknown.... I was stepping into a land never treaded on... land I never wanted to tread on.. and now I had to navigate my way through this alone.. just me and my little boy....

Once that decision was made.. we still lived in the same house for the next 6 weeks, mostly in the same bed, sometimes not... it was a time of great tension... we still were a family..we still did things as a family, we ate dinner together, we went out for coffee.. we went about daily life..  but we were fractured.. broken... and I could feel us drifting apart.. it was a bizarre time.... it was a time of great stress and pain... everything around me was going to shit.. it was at the same time my cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer.. it was all too much to bear.. too many emotions to deal with.... I  enrolled myself in a Bootcamp and punished my body through exercise  6 days a week..... pushing myself, pushing my body.. it kept me busy but it was inevitable that it would fall apart... I got the worst  flu and virus I have ever had... and my body shut down.. it was completely  crap and I felt all alone....  
Looking back I don't know how I got out in one piece... maybe I didn't. I spent most of  my weekends with my sister looking at houses for Darby and I to live... and seeking solace in close friends...getting really drunk on cheap wine.... it all felt so weird and foreign..  
I'm sure I was in some kind of shock... Finally I found somewhere to live that I was happy with ... and I started the move to my new life... Dave helped of course.. he is like that.... he would never not help me... or get out of major things like that ... the night after  our move.. we still met and had coffee.. something we still  regularly do now...  but the first few months were fragile and tense... that roller coaster was in full swing....
I can say it was hard... It was bloody hard.. I couldn't really imagine myself in this.. you see even I was waiting for me to have some kind of breakdown, there was no way I could deal with this... I'm an emotional person.. I cry at ads on TV.. at songs on the radio.. how was I going to get over the biggest change in my adult life...  I saw myself as a weakling, I was waiting patiently.. thinking one day Ill collapse under the enormity of it all.. I was like a ticking time bomb waiting.. waiting... any day now, any day now,  I was going to fall apart, cry for weeks and not be able to get out of bed.. I am still waiting for that day... There have been days of tears and uncontrollable  sobbing.. weeks where I just feel sad and depressed  but not as much as I had anticipated.. I am still surprised at this.. 
Darby was almost 3.. he knew what was going on, but he didn't have a clue...he used to grab the tissue box when I cried.. he didn't like it when I cried.. so I learnt to cry silent tears, in bed or while I was driving in the car ...  I internalised it all... not good really for anyone.. and it was going to do its damage on me..

At first I managed the separation day to day by running on pure adrenaline.. this fuel I knew would only last for short term..  I went to the doctors.. when I started getting palpitations, anxiety, headaches and I just generally felt low .. All I probably  needed was that good cry...... instead I started seeing a psychologist.. apparently I had "adjustment disorder" (I couldn't believe there was a medical term for it, but it is very common in times of massive change in ones life ) but I had classic symptoms.... It certainly helped me feel better, I saw her for 6 months.. and I still think at times I probably should go back for a debrief and a catch up... 

Then I discovered blogging.. or it discovered me.. I set about my coffee journey and I  started writing this blog  and I finally started  feeling happy again, doing something I loved and feeling the passion, the fire in my belly.. the creativity in me was coming alive..  I had a purpose, a goal... I was on a unique journey of self discover and it felt amazing! I was busy focusing on those positives, that the negative moments became less and less.. 
But I just wasn't really getting as much out of my blogging as I thought I could.. I was focusing my time on other coffee blogs and I wasn't really connecting with anyone....There are only so many cafe reviews and new ways to drink coffee.. I was after something more.. something deeper......  Suddenly after many many months like unlocking a door to an unknown secret world  I discovered other mum bloggers.. I had no idea this world even existed, I was oblivious to the whole blogging world until I started.... and when I found these blogs I suddenly  felt right at home.. I read blogs of pain and suffering and joy and wonder and everyday life.. of beautiful children and mums on similar journeys and telling their story.. I still remember  some of the first posts I read and the impact they had on me ..  I realised this was where I was meant to be.. the most unlikeliest of bloggers.. was now doing this every second day! And I haven't looked back for a moment.. 

It has only been time that has healed me... time that has allowed me to reflect on this change in my life... I know that I may never find love or have any more children and my heart aches when I think about this... but I just think Darby, Darby, Darby and I am ok again.. he has been my little saviour.. He has resurrected me.. and together we have built such a tight bond.... we are a team... we stick together. We pledge everyday when we say goodbye or goodnight that we will always look after each other.. 

This year I decided to let go of the anger I have... it is still there sometimes, but it is not bubbling away like it was.. the simmering was not  helping anyone.. and it was so detrimental to my health..  I feel so much better now that I have released it.. So Dave and I are now friends.. I hate the word amicable.. but we are good... There are times when I wish he helped more, but really he does his best, he loves Darby and is a fantastic dad..  
I know that it may get trickier in the future if either of us dare to enter another relationship... but I won't compromise that relationship for anything.. We have come a long way in 2 years.. in some ways he knows me better than anyone and I still feel comfortable talking to him about anything....for advice and he does have my best interests at heart.. 

I have come full circle since 2010 ... and that is a bold statement for me to make... not one I make lightly either... Its still an ongoing roller coaster ride... but I am firmly strapped in, well prepared.. and well equipped for the joyous highs .. and the lowest of lows.. This will be how it will be.. and I know that as hard as it has been it has been worth the ride..  

So there you have it... The so very personal story that has shaped my life over the last few years...I'm sure there was more to say.. but this has been hard enough...  I feel so uneasy that I am posting this... I know I may have just opened a Pandora's box but I know most of all I will feel a sense of relief...

Finally I have managed to do a post for FYBF over with the gorgeous Grace  over at With some Grace ...... next week I will do a happy one!! 

My images... Wall art by Baby Guerilla