I actually had thoughts during the past 10 days that I would never write on this blog again.. or maybe I needed to start a whole new blog.. start from scratch, a clean slate, or just delete this all and disappear from the blogosphere.
Who was I kidding.. that was never going to happen.. Alas I have broken my 10 day curse and posted something.. its not great.. but it is words.. and it is on here!
I may blame all these silly thoughts on the fact I have been well & truly under the weather.. I have been the sickest I can remember being as an adult.. actually I think I said those exact words no more than 6 months ago when I was equally as sick.. but I think this time takes the cake!
I really do believe I get sick when my body has had enough.. when I am absolutely run down, stressed to the max and my body cries out for some help, an intervention. It is a big, rude shock to the system that leaves me startled, but it does get me thinking about how I want to live my best life.
When I was sick earlier in the year it was right after my cousin's funeral. To say the month leading up to that was anything less than stressful is a gross understatement. My body literally fell apart and I had to stop, regroup and rest to get better. Maybe it was a chance to reflect and grieve on my time..
Shortly after I became a single parent in 2010, I was confronted with a "would have been" anniversary ... it would have been 6 years with Dave.. ironically that day I took ill.. was really sick I couldn't get out of bed, had to have someone look after Darby and literally fell apart.. A pattern is happening don't you think?
Shortly after I became a single parent in 2010, I was confronted with a "would have been" anniversary ... it would have been 6 years with Dave.. ironically that day I took ill.. was really sick I couldn't get out of bed, had to have someone look after Darby and literally fell apart.. A pattern is happening don't you think?
This time I have been feeling stressed about a lot of things and it has been slowly building momentum for some time now.. my day to day routine has been wearing thin..... and so I knew the time was coming where my body was not going to cope any longer and would literally throw in the towel... It did just that and more.. 2 weeks off work, 4 trips to the doctor and several days on the couch feeling pretty damn low! I had Darby with me for the most part.. some days were ok and others well just exhausting.. I was a terrible, neglectful parent.. I won't be winning any parenting awards any time soon! He was left to his own device most of the time... I couldn't move for anyone.. There was no washing done.. no dishes.. not too many showers.. and Darby was left in full control of the pantry... not great for a 4 year old....
I happened to fall sick the same week my ever reliable parents boarded a jet plane a sunnier state for their wedding anniversary ... This left me grasping for help.. begging Darby's dad.. and feeling mighty miserable about the way I felt and the situation I am in!
This being all alone feeling hasn't really left me yet.. maybe it will when I shake the cobwebs of the bronchitis away... but there have been many a tear shed over the past 2 weeks .. and part of this feeling miserable was the feeling that maybe I would never write again.. maybe I would be happy with that.. but even in the 10 days of not really reading blogs or writing my own, I started to feel really disconnected.. disconnected to the world I loved.. the people I have met and feel I know.. sometimes these friendships seem more real than the ones I am having in real life..
Anyway I know I am rambling now and this blog post will make no sense.. but it was good that I just got my fingers tapping again.. and start to feel connected to the world I have grown to love and feel part of.. I know I need to make changes in my life, otherwise I will go down this path again and again.. like banging my head against a brick wall... in my head I know what I have to do to make life easier and better for Darby and I .. Im making my first daring move this week to make a change for the better.. wish me luck (oh and Ill be back in less than 10 days!)
Until next time (and there will be a next time) life is too short for crappy coffee
I happened to fall sick the same week my ever reliable parents boarded a jet plane a sunnier state for their wedding anniversary ... This left me grasping for help.. begging Darby's dad.. and feeling mighty miserable about the way I felt and the situation I am in!
This being all alone feeling hasn't really left me yet.. maybe it will when I shake the cobwebs of the bronchitis away... but there have been many a tear shed over the past 2 weeks .. and part of this feeling miserable was the feeling that maybe I would never write again.. maybe I would be happy with that.. but even in the 10 days of not really reading blogs or writing my own, I started to feel really disconnected.. disconnected to the world I loved.. the people I have met and feel I know.. sometimes these friendships seem more real than the ones I am having in real life..
Anyway I know I am rambling now and this blog post will make no sense.. but it was good that I just got my fingers tapping again.. and start to feel connected to the world I have grown to love and feel part of.. I know I need to make changes in my life, otherwise I will go down this path again and again.. like banging my head against a brick wall... in my head I know what I have to do to make life easier and better for Darby and I .. Im making my first daring move this week to make a change for the better.. wish me luck (oh and Ill be back in less than 10 days!)
Until next time (and there will be a next time) life is too short for crappy coffee
I know that feeling, the falling in a heap. In a way it's good your body tells you to slow down, to change tack. It might be messy and miserable, but it sounds like you're coming out of it with a clear head. Take care sweetheart x
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