Just another birthday....

Its my birthday at the end of this week.  I love birthdays, I love celebrations. 

So why is it that I  am dreading my special day? 

Ask anyone that knows me and they will be able to tell you how much I love my birthday.

I have always loved my birthday, always.  I remember having a count down  for the days leading up to the 24th of November every year. Ask my mum and I probably started the countdown in mid September. But she wouldn't mind,  I have been told I inherited this love from her. She is a birthday lover from way back. 

I have so many amazing childhood memories of my birthday, I can recall all of them, there are so many lovely, unique moments. Even of my early adulthood. I had fabulous parties, I loved bringing people together. 

For someone who is sitting on the fence of  being an introvert and extrovert, I would always, always come out of my shell and sit in the extrovert camp on my birthday! It was my day to live it up, to be bold and to be surrounded by people I loved. 

The last few birthdays have been celebrated, but my overall excitement leading up to them has been non existent. I have been sad. Very, very sad. 

I thought my thirties were going to be nothing short of fabulous. I would be confident, life would be on track, and I would have a sense of knowing I was in the right place. 

That really just went out the window in 2010.  Life is nothing like I imagined it to be. And as my birthday approaches, it is just a reminder of what is missing in my life and how far away I am from where I want to be. Although in  saying that I wouldn't trade the special relationship Darby and I have created together.
 

My first birthday as a single parent everything was still so raw, I baked myself a cake and I sat in a work meeting all day and cried.  Last year I was a little better but I still felt really flat, so I just got stuck into Gin and Tonics! That made me feel temporarily better.

This year I feel like nothing has really changed. My birthday is just a little reminder that I am not living my life to its fullest capacity . I know I have the ability too, but I'm just not. 

So many amazing things have happened to me in the year, and I will recognise that, but overall, I know in most aspects of life I need change. 

However I decided on the weekend that I  am going to put that aside, and really try hard to enjoy the opportunities  I have been given and the blessings in my life.

So on Friday I have made myself  a pact to celebrate this special day. As Oprah says "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate",  When Oprah says something you gotta listen! 

 So to mark the occasion I am going to get dressed up, I am going to make myself feel pretty, I am going to chow down on my favourite Mexican food with some of my favourite people, and I am going to go somewhere and dance, dance my little heart out to cheesy music, dance away my 33 year old blues. 

And this year, my 33rd year, I am going to take it by the balls  and I am going to live it. There is no time to waste. I'm going to follow my heart, take some risks and love. Fill my life with love, in whatever shape or form that is, and by the time I get to 34, I hope I'm back to  being excited about that big day..

Happy Birthday Darby - Here is your birth story....

I have never really thought of sharing the story of how Darby entered the world. It wasn't really a thing I blogged about and I felt as though he was too old for me to do this. Yet on the eve of his 5th birthday I had this overwhelming urge to finally put it down on paper!
Its not as though his birth was so traumatic that I have blocked it from my mind. Quite the opposite really. 

As far as births go - and I've only done it once, it was a pretty blissful experience - (ok that may be exaggerating a lot). 
From what I remember it wasn't too bad although as the years pass the exact details are getting  a little hazy around the edges.  
I know this is one of those memories  that will never leave me but as he is getting older, I am getting further away from that Tuesday night in September 2007.  

In some way it is nice to have it documented somewhere for me and maybe even him to reflect on in years to come, and by then I'm sure to have forgotten more of the details (I struggled with parts writing this) ! 

So read or don't read this is a story for my little boy...

All throughout  my pregnancy, I would think about the birth, not so much the pain of it, but that magic moment that that baby of mine would be placed on my chest. The thought always made me tear up, the emotions would seem to bubble over and I would burst with this unknown love and happiness. I really didn't know how I was going to cope with the real thing. I thought about this moment every single day of my pregnancy, and it kept me going when I didn't think I had it in me any more. 

Darby's journey in my tummy was fairly smooth sailing, He was nice and cosy and happy in there sitting the right way the whole time  and really enjoying his time. I created a very happy home, maybe too comfy. I  had no expectation as to how big he would be, but from the size of me and my tummy I was hoping he was just a tad on the bigger side, to justify the size I was.  

I chose his name really early on, I just knew I was having a boy, so I called him Darby from the very start. I heard a celebrity had called his son that and I just got stuck on that name.  No others  resonated enough with me, I loved others, Aiden, Jacob & Spencer, but none of them felt the same. 
Dave was not convinced by my choice, he actually didn't like it all that much,  so I had alot of work to do to convince him.  A lot!

His due date was September 17, so that day I kept myself extra busy, I took myself off to the shops, I had a coffee in Borders  and read all of the Monday magazines.  I went grocery shopping, and lugged quite a few heavy bags back to the car, anything to start labour rolling.  I picked up some last minute things I  was sure to need in the delivery room;  lollies,  pack of cards and some more magazines! 
I kept getting messages from well meaning friends and relatives wishing me luck, but this just made me more nervous. I rang a couple to  let them know I was still waiting, and let a few more stew on it to think I may have been in labour ! I'm cruel like that!

I spoke to Dave countless times, I'm sure he was sick of me calling, but at the same time probably apprehensive about the whole thing himself!

That night came and went and still no sign of anything. I was one frustrated 40 week pregnant woman! 

I couldn't sleep all night, getting up so many times to empty my bladder, and at 5.30am I woke up feeling ultra uncomfortable so I got up and had a shower and dressed myself in my usual at home, heavily pregnant attire - tracksuit and one of Dave's t-shirts! 
I layed on the couch and started to have niggling pains and what  I thought to be small contractions. I never had Braxton Hicks, so I had no idea what to expect.  The pain wasn't that bad so I sent Dave to work.  The pains were bearable and I was sure he would irritate me if he sat around just waiting and wondering, he was not good at waiting,  so I was sure it would have slowed things down. 

I had planned on  going to the movies and seeing Hairspray in Yarraville, but decided against it, if I really was in labour I didn't want to have my waters break in a movie theatre watching a very cheesy movie. 
So I stuck to watching TV, I decided napping was the only way to survive morning television.
These contractions were coming every 20 minutes or so and then they would stop and go away for an hour.  I was getting frustrated when they would come back and then go away.
I went to the computer and googled "What do contractions feel like" I got various answers, "like back pain" "tightening of your stomach" "like period pain".
I could kind of put the pains I was having into one of those boxes, but I decided to ring the hospital just to ask some questions. 
I rang through and spoke to quite a huffy midwife.  I cant remember the exact conversation, but it went something like, 
Midwife: Is this your first baby? 
Me: Yes
Midwife: Have your waters broken?
Me: No
Midwife: Have you had a show?
Me: No.
Midwife: Are your contractions regular or 5 minutes apart? 
Me: No. 
Midwife: OK, you are not having any signs of active labour, so you are probably in for a long couple of days, make sure you get some rest. 
Me: Great, just great..
It seemed as though I was wasting her time. She then mentioned or warned me if I called 3 times I would have to come in to be monitored. 

So I just napped again, pains coming and going but not getting worse. I am not sure how I filled the day, other thank laying on the couch and watching bad daytime TV and surfing the net.

I called Dave at 3 or 4 when it felt as though the pains were getting slightly worse. I asked him to come home and pick up dinner.  I called the hospital again. To say I was in a little more pain, I spoke to the same midwife. I'm sure she was annoyed again. No more signs really except for more pain. She advised me to go and take some panadol or panadeine if I had it - I was most likely in for a very long night! 

I popped some panadol, which did absolutely nothing. 

I just felt like the company at this point to relieve the boredom. Dave came home and we organised dinner.  He picked up some fan bloody tastic  lamb steaks, from our local butchers, marinated in rosemary and mint.  I didn't feel like a whole heap, so I just had a few bites even though they were beautiful. We then decided it was a great idea to clean out the fridge.  We were trying to kill some time, Oh the things you do when you think you think you are in labour. At this point it was about 7.30pm and my contractions were stronger. We started watching TV and for some reason we were watching Poker tournaments on Foxtel, I handled this ok, until the pain was almost unbearable. 
My contractions were still all over the shop, every 10 minutes, then every 2 and then 5.  I was getting so frustrated with Dave and his counting, I knew it wasn't his fault, but I was starting to get annoyed! I turned to him and said "Turn that f***ing Poker off" - and with that it was Game on! 
I went to the toilet and had a show!! I freaked out, but was ok. The pain was getting pretty horrible and contractions were every 2 minutes. I thought it may be a good idea to have a shower, as I was about to get in, I had this overwhelming urge to push - oh oh. 

I think this was showtime and I wasn't really meant to be mucking around at home. How could it be, it didn't feel like I had been in labour long enough, I was expecting to be in this state for days. 

I told Dave to call the hospital and tell them we were coming in! We left home at around 9.30. The 15 minute drive to the hospital was the most painful of them all. I couldn't get comfortable, and the contractions were really strong.  Of course we managed to encounter a road train crossing, which took up 5 -10 minutes, or what felt like a lifetime! At this point I told Dave to turn the car around and go home, I had, had enough - alarm bells went off in my head as I remember that kind of talking came right right at the end when you could do no more. 
My contractions were coming thick and fast and the urge to push was strong, oh crap, I was going to have this baby by the edge of the roadside! 

Luckily that didn't occur and I think I sighed a little when we arrived at the hospital at  right on 10.00pm.  On the walk from the car to the door I had to stop every couple of moments to get through a contraction.   A guy walked past just staring at us, I was glad it was late at night, but I really didn't give a hoot. 
We arrived at St Vincents, and Dave checked us in. I had contractions all the way up to the delivery suite. 

I walked in to the suite and went straight to the bathroom to get dressed into a hospital gown , on the toilet there was a big gush and my waters broke. I came out in my glamorous  robe and onto the bed  and I  began pushing straight away,  I was fully dilated. 

I asked for pain relief,  but the lovely midwife said the only pain relief I would be getting would be having this baby, although she set up the gas to make me feel better. 

They called my obstetrician who luckily lived around the corner and he arrived 10 minutes later.  I didn't know how the pushing was going to work with my hip replacement, but it just did, I layed on my side, with Dave giving me ice and telling me to keep my chin down. It all happened so fast, all of a sudden, they told me to stop pushing and start panting (no time to feel like a dog at this point!), the head was out, and then a few more pushes and there at 10.51pm he was, pulled out and  that magical moment where he was placed on my chest. My little boy.


Those tears I thought I would have didn't come, instead the happiest smile broke out across my face, I beamed from ear to ear as I looked down at this little boy I loved so much already. I looked up at Dave, his cheeks were wet from his tears, the ones I thought I would have. I don't remember the rest, being stitched up or the placenta, I just spent time gazing into this little boys eyes.  

No time for cameras, no time for card games, you were in a big hurry to get out. 
Darby weighed 8 pound 6, 51cm and was squishy and chubby and just perfect. Both him and I went into shock, but some kind of delirious, happy shock. He didn't cry and he sure as hell didn't want to eat. 

We tried to call my mum and dad, but the phone rang out , we tried again and the same thing! So I called my sister. Woke her up from her sleep! Took a few moments for her to register with her that she had become an Aunty. She was very excited (and our first visitor the next day!) Eventually my mum called me back. I said, "mum you are a grandmother" - she was taken aback and again it took her awhile to register that my baby had already arrived! {It turns out they had got stuck into the red wine that night and were in a deep sleep when I called!!}

There he was, my perfect little bundle of joy, so cliched, but oh so true. He has become my right hand man through those 5 years, it has been such an honour to watch him grow.

Now he is five, and growing up so quickly! 

Happy Birthday Darb's,  Love you heaps my little man. Thank you for being you! 

Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM  (hope she is feeling better after her wisdom teeth extraction!) for

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee

Wordless Wednesday - Cake time!!!

Not quite wordless yet....but getting there! A week of eating lots of yummy cakes in celebration of my birthday!!mmmm!!! Its a bad time to start a diet now... damn!!
Am also on the countdown to finishing work.. its going to feel weird finishing up after 10 years in the one place, but the fact we are heading into Xmas (my fave time of year) is the perfect anecdote for that!! Bring it on!
Until next time

Linking up with Wordless Wednesday at My Little Drummer Boys

Here is my Birthday wisdom to myself!!!!!

Birthday love.... and the sharp reality of life (ouch)

I woke up this morning on the dot of 7am (no alarm clock required!) and it was so quiet, everything so still, I could only hear some birds chirping away in the distance and a little rain hitting the roof.. I realised it was so quiet without Darby here... But my body

is still so in tune with his morning rituals..

Darby was having a grown up sleepover with his Aunty Laura.. He was soo excited and happy, planning games to play with her and speculating on what they would share for dinner... He has been soo delightful and joyous to be around of late.. maybe he is turning the corner and losing the urge to have a hissyfit about everything (or he knows Santa is on his way!)

I don't think the joy though will last long today when I take him to get his 4 year old vaccination! Yikes ... I hated taking him to those appointments when he was a bub, but now it's even worse!! I am a big needle hater from way way way back, so I don't want to pass down that phobia..I can see why its such a common neurosis! 

 All the questions he will ask.. Oh boy... I have some answers ready.. but will they really stack up to being jabbed in the arm.. probably not for a four year old!  The "event" is being dressed up as a Teddy bears picnic... I feel bad I am coercing him into a fun event... to then come out the other end with a sore arm.... I just hope it's not that bad and he forgets all about it when the lollipop is handed to him and the big teddy shakes his hand!!

We might need to make a special coffee/milkshake trip this morning - to a place of his choice!! Hopefully he picks a good one! Although I needn't worry, he has such great taste in all things coffee!!

We are also gearing up for my birthday this week... I love love love my birthday... But last year was a tough one.. The first time I had felt really emotional and let it show... I nearly cried all day.. It was the first birthday I had been all by myself in 6 years! This year though, I realise I do have my little man by my side!!!

Darby has organized a candle (a frog one of course!) and is finalizing the cake flavor! When I ask what he is going to get me, he replies with "makeup"(knows me so well!) and gets my wallet out and shakes around my credit card!! Bless him!! He is Soo excited for me!!

So I am not dreading it nearly as much.. It's still going to be tough.. But I'll choose to say it will be different! Anyway I am not letting anything hold me back from a good old celebration...This year has been a year of real growth for me as a person so I have worked bloody hard for that number 32!!! And hopefully in a few short weeks I'll be celebrating reaching another number (100 coffees!!) that's when I'll have the big party!!

Until next time .... Life is too short to drink crappy coffee!!

Think I am 2 here!

Picnic at Hanging Rock! Rocking Number 7!

Turning the big 1 8 ... woo hoo

20... and dressed as a Tramp!!!! (Flamenco Dancer
With my bestie..(and still is) Shaz

Enjoying Veuve on my 27th!!! mmmmm

1st birthday as a mum! awwww