Change is good

I have been a little lost of late. 

Not really thinking that my voice was very important.

I would log into my blog and feel this sick feeling. No words would come, no inspiration, nothing! Somewhere along the way I have  lost all my confidence in my articulation. Maybe I never had it to start with.

I somehow lost the ability to construct anything meaningful. 

I couldn't tell a story, I couldn't seem to use words anymore. Everything seemed to be bad, or forced or it was really really draining to do.  

I was comparing myself to others. 

The more I read, the more I felt this lack of confidence engulf my every being. What was I..me...doing writing. It just seemed absurd.   That lack of confidence thats plagued me my whole life was rearing its ugly head again. 

It was like I didn't belong here. I thought about pulling my blog down, maybe starting again when the inspiration did come. But somehow after thinking about it.  I  just couldn't bring myself do it. All those words lost, and that would be 19 months down the metaphoric drain. And then what, just forget all about that. 

No I couldn't do it, I have changed so much since it began, its an extension of myself. 

It wasn't until my sister pointed out how my blog  didn't really look like me,  wasn't a representation of the real me. 

(Maybe that was a reason why I didn't feel inspired!)

This comment coming from the person that knows me best was like a light bulb moment. Yes it stung, but in a good way. A bolt of lightening.  And I agreed with her,  I looked at it from another perspective and yes, it wasn't really me. 

That was by  no means a reflection on the design, because I asked for it to look the way it did. I was explicit in what I wanted and how I wanted it to look, but I had no idea really, I just thought that was how it should look. I loved it, but now 8 months on, I realise it doesn't really reflect me or my life, or where I am right now.  

So on Monday I pulled it all down, I had no idea what I was doing, I was sure I was going to lose the plot after 10 minutes, but I kept on going. 

So now here it is, different. shiny, new, and all by me! 

I'm not sure I like it yet, or whether it is a representation of the real me, but its a work in progress, it maybe closer.  I need more photos, because thats who I am, a photo taker. Not with a fancy pants camera (I wish I had one) just my iphone and me snapping away at every life moment! 

It is now my work in progress, and really that is what my blog is and always has been.  An evolving place to share my life, my ups and downs and the reality's of a new life I have created for myself and Darby. Living with a choice to go my own way.

From speaking with some friends the other day, I want to keep this space  real, keep stuffing up , keep my bad articulation. So what! Its my place, it can be what I want it to be. 

Its funny to think I blogged for over 6 months just about coffee with only 1 single comment to keep me going. So I know I can blog for me, its in there, I just need to unlock that magic again!

No more worrying about what I could be. I just want to focus on what I am and I have no doubt the changes will come from within. 

And as I sign off now, I am feeling a little less lost than I did 30 minutes ago, and thats a start! 

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