6/52

Look at the exhaustion in his baby blues.  This is what the end of the first week of school looks like.  {Its lucky I don't have to post a picture of myself..... I look ghastly!}

Darby is tired & exhausted but underneath that he is a very happy boy,  he is in his element. 

Just listening to his excited voice at the end of each day  speaking of all the wonder of school. The new classroom rules and all the learning already. Oh and his teacher, he just loves his teacher. The kindest, loveliest and most fashionable lady he will grow to know to this year. 

She told me the other day, how much Darby was a darling in her class,  he pays attention and follows directions and tries really hard at everything.  She wished there were 10 more like him. I won't lie that my eyes filled with proud mama tears but at the same time I wished the Darby she was talking about could come pay our house a visit some time! 

Linking up in this incredible project with Jodi at Che and Fidel! 

Until next time 

This past week of mine

It has been a big week  or two in our house hold. The biggest that I can remember since becoming our own little family of two a few years ago.  Lots of changes, new routines and so many emotions.

It will take some time to get used to the  whole new world of school, we will get there I am sure.  Its just a matter of seeing it out. I have 6 more years  of primary school to go! 

I thought I would share the emotions I have gone through over the past week. {I might save Darby's  feelings  for another post} 

I have felt nervous, scared, elated, overwhelmed, out of control, torn, superfluous.  

I have felt the gentle letting go of my only child into someone else's care for 30 or so hours a week. I have had to surrender that control. My heart skips a beat every time I drop him off.  I must seem to be  such an overbearing mother smothering him in kisses and "I love yous" but I just cant help it. I cant stop myself. Im sure I am not the only one. 

I have felt happy, I have felt proud, the proudest I can possibly be, I have felt grateful, thankful and I have felt  free.

I have felt lonely without my buddy,  like something is missing all the time. My coffee time just doesn't seem right without him by my side.

I have juggled balls, many many balls in the air. That push and pull of the working parent has been  front of mind this week. Its bloody hard organising everything. 

I have finally exercised my body and I have let my mind have a rest, a much needed rest.  

I have laughed and grinned, I have also cried and weeped and I have never been so tired.  By Friday afternoon  I knew what exhaustion felt like. Trying to hold it all together was sure to unravel itself at some point and its always at the end of the week when things go downhill. 

I have welcomed new friendships, I am optimistic to see what happens.  I have put the time in to nurture old ones too, they are just as important to me. 

I have been excited, excited to be able to see myself in him. That ants in your pants excitable 5 year old. I was once like that and I even remember it! 

I have felt like a failure, but I feel like I am doing the best that I can. I am proud of myself. Doing this on my own  is tough.

I am thankful for those around me, that cushion me through this time. Even if they are not here in person , they support me from the sidelines, offer support, advice and let me know its all ok. All of these feelings, they have happened to so many other mamas and they got through it too. 

I am now  part of a club, The school mums club, lots of lessons yet to learn, but Im sure Ill be an old hack at it soon. 

I am excited, This future of ours is bright.....

Its always going to be a roller coaster of a ride, but  the lesson I have really learnt these past few years  is to go with the flow and that the only way to survive is to close your eyes and hold on tight when going down the dips, because the highs are just so so worth it.

Linking up with Maxabella for  52 Weeks of Grateful here

The start of a new era

I woke up this morning with a funny feeling in my stomach,  I was sure it would be cured  by a hearty breakfast, or at least a coffee, but that funny feeling stuck around and soon it travelled up towards my heart.

It did feel like heartburn, but I knew it wasn't, It was an ache. 

I knew exactly what the cause was, I just didn't want to face the feeling.  I know its  just life and all,  just another big milestone to face.

But its big, Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of my life. Our life. The start of the school journey for Darby.  My heart aches. 

Melodramatic much. Its normal I think. 

I know I can be a drama queen at times, but I just cant ignore that feeling. That heaviness, mixed with excitement and fear and trepidation. The tears that sit ever so close to the surface. I know it wont take much to tip me over and for them to come flooding out.  Not much at all. 

They have surfaced a few times over the past week over nothing in particular, just all those little things that represent the growing up of my little guy. 

I know I am certainly not alone in this, I know of many other mammas feeling much the same as me. I am sure these intense unknown feelings will pass, as I gently pace myself through the next little while  getting used to not having my little buddy around.

I knew this day was coming the moment he entered this world. I couldn't be more happy for him. It is the next step, and I am just really so excited for him.  I am sure his social little personality will love it,  thrive in it and soak it in.

He is so ready. So ready to learn more, to socialise, to learn more ways of the world. Things I can no longer teach him on my own.

I know he is an adaptable little fellow. He has had so much change in the past 5 years, and he really has for the most part just gone with flow.

As I have prepared his uniforms, baked biscuits for school lunches and labelled the bejesus of anything that is to set foot inside the school, there has been this feeling of letting  him go a little.  

He will be finding his own place in the world, without me holding his hand every step of the way. I will always be there from the sidelines, but I have to let him make his own choices, make his own mistakes, speak for himself all while still gently guiding him through lovingly and as best I can. 

I'm also a bit worried about how I will go... I don't have another child to focus my attention on now.  That person to focus on is myself.

I am used to spending time apart from him , but this is different and on a much more permanent basis.

Darby has been my little saviour. Without him over the last 3 years I would have been lost. 

He was my  little light when everything else went dark. He needed me as much as I needed him. He kept me going through all those really hard times.

So in a way whilst I am setting him free into the wide world of school, he is at the same time setting me free  to find my feet again- albeit only 14 hours a week!  

Whilst he sits in school and intently listens to his teacher, and makes new friend, its time for his mum  to discover herself with no labels, no limits. The possibilities are endless really.  

It will take some getting used to,  this new freedom. It will be so foreign.  He will be learning, and so will I.  Learning to incorporate all the things that I love back into my life.  Its exciting and I am sure it  will be fun journey to be on.

And at the end of each day we will have so many exciting stories to tell each other,  I just can't wait for that.

So here is to a very new and very exciting year for the both of us.   After the tears dry up of course.

Until next time

Linking up with Gorgeous Grace here

How did this happen...

Tonight I am off to a prep 2013 information night! How did it happen that my little baby is nearly old enough to go to school... How did he grow up so fast....

It feels like yesterday that he was kicking about in my tummy and I was eagerly awaiting his arrival!! It makes me feel so old and nostalgic thinking back..

Its definitely mixed emotions in my camp.. one part of me feels so sad that I have to let my baby go.. The other part so happy that he gets to enter this next exciting stage in life that he is more than ready to take on...

We still have 6 months of time together, and I am going to make sure I make the most of all of it!! I think because we are such a tight unit it will be hard to loosen those bonds.. They will always be there, but I have to let him grow and prosper as an individual! Instead of holding his hand to guide him, I'll be the crazy crying one cheering from the sidelines!

Next ill be sending him off to high school.. Then I can classify myself as really old (and probably justify a facelift too!)

Ah the joys of parenting... Anyone else going/gone through these feelings?? (probably the dumbest question ever!)

Until next time. Wish me luck ..

Java Jane xx