Who the hell am I?

I am a walking talking contradiction....

I'm on a journey.. walking an unknown road with my little man by my side.... but I'm walking with conviction...  

I am needy.. I need the company of others... I hate being alone... 
But I know I have done a smashing job of being by myself  as a  solo parent to Darby for 2 bloody long  years..
I want a man to save me... but I know I have already saved myself
I have been wounded in more ways than one... Scars heal... I have many...... 
I can never make a decision on what to have for dinner... but  I decided to walk away from a six year relationship at the risk of never getting what I want..
I am true to my values.. but my values change all the time... 
I have deep dark secrets... but  I can be read like an open book ..... 
I don't think before I speak... I stew over conversations for hours and hours... 
I am messy... but I wish I wasn't ...
My head hurts sometimes with the emotions over flowing in it  - I wear those emotions on the outside of my body 
I am so emotional... I wish sometimes I wasn't such a feeling person.... but I guess its a good thing..
I love affection .. I love giving affection... Darby is one lucky little man! 
I love writing.. It doesn't come naturally and I don't rate it... but it gets me through the hard times...
I'm a drama queen of the best kind
I am so weak ...... but have the will and can be as hard as a rock .. unbroken and resilient....
My body has limitations.. but to me the sky is the limit... 
I am an elastic band... If pulled far enough I snap... 

I swear too much.... I need a swear jar 
I yell too much ... but speak quietly most of the time.. 
I love Hall and Oates and Bruce Springsteen 
I love truly and in  high definition colour... I grieve and mourn in private... 
I smile always .... cry behind closed doors.....
I can cry at the drop of the hat.. but can hold it all in...
I wish I could be cracked open more often.. I wish I could tell others how I am feeling... 
I love celebrations... I love to dance to cheesy music..
I get frustrated easily .. but I am incredibly patient....
I laugh loudly... I have many crinkles around my eyes 
I'm in a very happy relationship with coffee.. tea isn't a bad companion either
I love Fleetwood Mac and George Michael 
I am strong and courageous, scared and timid... 
As shy as can be.. the loudest and giddiest in the room...
Chocolate can get me through any bad day....
I can't sing.... But I love music... 
I have a play list for all the good times and all the crap times in life..
I don't know who the hell I am .. or who I want to be...  I know one day I will know... 
Change... Evolution.. these are powerful things.. and I hope I keep changing..... the best is yet to come...
And lastly, Life is too short for crappy coffee 

I am linking up with  amazing Eden... over at Edenland..... 

One door closes and another one will open

image credit

So next week I'm leaving my work... a workplace I have known for 10 long years, 9 months and weeks and  hours I cannot even count, (well since I was a tender young 21 years)

My work has been the one stable part of my life.. I have changed jobs while I have been there, several times in fact, but I have never made the move, leap of faith, to leave..

So when recently I was told my role was redundant, but  I had the choice of another role or to leave.. I took the riskier option and decided if there was ever a time to take a leap of faith.. maybe it should be now! I knew my time was up and as scary as it was I knew I had to take a chance on myself!
My resilience that has grown over the last few years has allowed me to deal with these changes in my stride... There were moments when I had a good old cry about it, oh why me..  but I  realise it is not the end of the world, in fact  I think it will be the best thing  I could do,  a good old push to change this part of my life!  I know if this had happened at any other time I might not have been able to cope, but I was looking for change and it came and found me!
So I have 7 days of work left and am trying to cram as much knowledge into a word document as physically possible! Slogging away late at night and coming in early.. they sure are getting the most out of my time this week!  Im sure it wont even matter what I leave.. but  at least I can leave knowing I have transferred all the information to someone else!

Its a funny thing looking back over my work life.. I tend to remember all the things that were happening in my personal life at the same time, I really have lived out my whole adulthood here, so I can sum up my life in the number of years I have been at work (well this is major  major paraphrasing!) : 
- I have been single, young, footloose and fancy free for at least 3 years
- I had a Hip reconstruction
- I had various surgeries as a consequence
- I still kept going out... drinking and partying as any 23 year old would
- I had a knee reconstruction 
- I got a boyfriend
- We moved in together
- I had a hip replacement 
- I got Pregnant "Surprise!"
- We had a baby and I had 8 months off work 
- I went back to work 
- We went to all of our friends weddings
- I had many birthdays - I turned the big 30 and had a mini meltdown to match!
- I didnt know what was yet to come!!
-  I became single again (this time wasn't so fun) 
- I moved out of the house that was my home for 6 years (tears now!)
- I moved into my own apartment 
- I soldiered on as life as a single mum
- And I think Im doing a pretty good job at it (even though it is now 6.11pm and I am still at work!!)
And I'm about to move into the big,  scary  unknown world out there... 
I cant wait for my next Adventure!!!!

Here's my favourite Steve Jobs quote.... one that actually helped make my final decision... Thanks Steve for the wisdom....

Until next time... Life is too short to drink crappy coffee

Linking up with Jess at Diary of a SAHM for

 

image from pinterest

Adventures of Java Jane - Weekend Wrap

Ok so I'm trying  a few different things with my blog lately... mainly as a result of reading other blogs that have inspired me to shake it up a bit! Anything that allows me to be creative is a good thing! So here is the first of my Weekend Wraps.. my weekend in a collage of images... I think this sums up my weekend quite well... A trip to the beach, outings to drink great coffee (of course) lots of strawberries.. some Gin and Tonic.... and well my new obsession with wearing the brightest of bright lipsticks! I did omit however the cranky and moody 4 year old! I can save that for another time!

So Enjoy..... and feel free to let me know how you spent your weekend.. Id love to hear about it!
Until next time
 

Java Jane - Weekend Wrap by 

Wildfox Couture poncho sweater
$112 - shopthetrendboutique.com

MAC Lipstick
$15 - macys.com

HomeDecorators.com $169
$199 - homedecorators.com

TANQUERAY Tanqueray London Dry Gin
£25 - harrods.com