Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Happy Birthday Darby - Here is your birth story....




I have never really thought of sharing the story of how Darby entered the world. It wasn't really a thing I blogged about and I felt as though he was too old for me to do this. Yet on the eve of his 5th birthday I had this overwhelming urge to finally put it down on paper!
Its not as though his birth was so traumatic that I have blocked it from my mind. Quite the opposite really. 

As far as births go - and I've only done it once, it was a pretty blissful experience - (ok that may be exaggerating a lot). 
From what I remember it wasn't too bad although as the years pass the exact details are getting  a little hazy around the edges.  
I know this is one of those memories  that will never leave me but as he is getting older, I am getting further away from that Tuesday night in September 2007.  

In some way it is nice to have it documented somewhere for me and maybe even him to reflect on in years to come, and by then I'm sure to have forgotten more of the details (I struggled with parts writing this) ! 
So read or don't read this is a story for my little boy...

All throughout  my pregnancy, I would think about the birth, not so much the pain of it, but that magic moment that that baby of mine would be placed on my chest. The thought always made me tear up, the emotions would seem to bubble over and I would burst with this unknown love and happiness. I really didn't know how I was going to cope with the real thing. I thought about this moment every single day of my pregnancy, and it kept me going when I didn't think I had it in me any more. 

Darby's journey in my tummy was fairly smooth sailing, He was nice and cosy and happy in there sitting the right way the whole time  and really enjoying his time. I created a very happy home, maybe too comfy. I  had no expectation as to how big he would be, but from the size of me and my tummy I was hoping he was just a tad on the bigger side, to justify the size I was.  

I chose his name really early on, I just knew I was having a boy, so I called him Darby from the very start. I heard a celebrity had called his son that and I just got stuck on that name.  No others  resonated enough with me, I loved others, Aiden, Jacob & Spencer, but none of them felt the same. 
Dave was not convinced by my choice, he actually didn't like it all that much,  so I had alot of work to do to convince him.  A lot!

His due date was September 17, so that day I kept myself extra busy, I took myself off to the shops, I had a coffee in Borders  and read all of the Monday magazines.  I went grocery shopping, and lugged quite a few heavy bags back to the car, anything to start labour rolling.  I picked up some last minute things I  was sure to need in the delivery room;  lollies,  pack of cards and some more magazines! 
I kept getting messages from well meaning friends and relatives wishing me luck, but this just made me more nervous. I rang a couple to  let them know I was still waiting, and let a few more stew on it to think I may have been in labour ! I'm cruel like that!

I spoke to Dave countless times, I'm sure he was sick of me calling, but at the same time probably apprehensive about the whole thing himself!

That night came and went and still no sign of anything. I was one frustrated 40 week pregnant woman! 

I couldn't sleep all night, getting up so many times to empty my bladder, and at 5.30am I woke up feeling ultra uncomfortable so I got up and had a shower and dressed myself in my usual at home, heavily pregnant attire - tracksuit and one of Dave's t-shirts! 
I layed on the couch and started to have niggling pains and what  I thought to be small contractions. I never had Braxton Hicks, so I had no idea what to expect.  The pain wasn't that bad so I sent Dave to work.  The pains were bearable and I was sure he would irritate me if he sat around just waiting and wondering, he was not good at waiting,  so I was sure it would have slowed things down. 

I had planned on  going to the movies and seeing Hairspray in Yarraville, but decided against it, if I really was in labour I didn't want to have my waters break in a movie theatre watching a very cheesy movie. 
So I stuck to watching TV, I decided napping was the only way to survive morning television.
These contractions were coming every 20 minutes or so and then they would stop and go away for an hour.  I was getting frustrated when they would come back and then go away.
I went to the computer and googled "What do contractions feel like" I got various answers, "like back pain" "tightening of your stomach" "like period pain".
I could kind of put the pains I was having into one of those boxes, but I decided to ring the hospital just to ask some questions. 
I rang through and spoke to quite a huffy midwife.  I cant remember the exact conversation, but it went something like, 
Midwife: Is this your first baby? 
Me: Yes
Midwife: Have your waters broken?
Me: No
Midwife: Have you had a show?
Me: No.
Midwife: Are your contractions regular or 5 minutes apart? 
Me: No. 
Midwife: OK, you are not having any signs of active labour, so you are probably in for a long couple of days, make sure you get some rest. 
Me: Great, just great..
It seemed as though I was wasting her time. She then mentioned or warned me if I called 3 times I would have to come in to be monitored. 

So I just napped again, pains coming and going but not getting worse. I am not sure how I filled the day, other thank laying on the couch and watching bad daytime TV and surfing the net.

I called Dave at 3 or 4 when it felt as though the pains were getting slightly worse. I asked him to come home and pick up dinner.  I called the hospital again. To say I was in a little more pain, I spoke to the same midwife. I'm sure she was annoyed again. No more signs really except for more pain. She advised me to go and take some panadol or panadeine if I had it - I was most likely in for a very long night! 

I popped some panadol, which did absolutely nothing

I just felt like the company at this point to relieve the boredom. Dave came home and we organised dinner.  He picked up some fan bloody tastic  lamb steaks, from our local butchers, marinated in rosemary and mint.  I didn't feel like a whole heap, so I just had a few bites even though they were beautiful. We then decided it was a great idea to clean out the fridge.  We were trying to kill some time, Oh the things you do when you think you think you are in labour. At this point it was about 7.30pm and my contractions were stronger. We started watching TV and for some reason we were watching Poker tournaments on Foxtel, I handled this ok, until the pain was almost unbearable. 
My contractions were still all over the shop, every 10 minutes, then every 2 and then 5.  I was getting so frustrated with Dave and his counting, I knew it wasn't his fault, but I was starting to get annoyed! I turned to him and said "Turn that f***ing Poker off" - and with that it was Game on! 
I went to the toilet and had a show!! I freaked out, but was ok. The pain was getting pretty horrible and contractions were every 2 minutes. I thought it may be a good idea to have a shower, as I was about to get in, I had this overwhelming urge to push - oh oh. 

I think this was showtime and I wasn't really meant to be mucking around at home. How could it be, it didn't feel like I had been in labour long enough, I was expecting to be in this state for days. 

I told Dave to call the hospital and tell them we were coming in! We left home at around 9.30. The 15 minute drive to the hospital was the most painful of them all. I couldn't get comfortable, and the contractions were really strong.  Of course we managed to encounter a road train crossing, which took up 5 -10 minutes, or what felt like a lifetime! At this point I told Dave to turn the car around and go home, I had, had enough - alarm bells went off in my head as I remember that kind of talking came right right at the end when you could do no more. 
My contractions were coming thick and fast and the urge to push was strong, oh crap, I was going to have this baby by the edge of the roadside! 

Luckily that didn't occur and I think I sighed a little when we arrived at the hospital at  right on 10.00pm.  On the walk from the car to the door I had to stop every couple of moments to get through a contraction.   A guy walked past just staring at us, I was glad it was late at night, but I really didn't give a hoot. 
We arrived at St Vincents, and Dave checked us in. I had contractions all the way up to the delivery suite. 

I walked in to the suite and went straight to the bathroom to get dressed into a hospital gown , on the toilet there was a big gush and my waters broke. I came out in my glamorous  robe and onto the bed  and I  began pushing straight away,  I was fully dilated. 

I asked for pain relief,  but the lovely midwife said the only pain relief I would be getting would be having this baby, although she set up the gas to make me feel better. 

They called my obstetrician who luckily lived around the corner and he arrived 10 minutes later.  I didn't know how the pushing was going to work with my hip replacement, but it just did, I layed on my side, with Dave giving me ice and telling me to keep my chin down. It all happened so fast, all of a sudden, they told me to stop pushing and start panting (no time to feel like a dog at this point!), the head was out, and then a few more pushes and there at 10.51pm he was, pulled out and  that magical moment where he was placed on my chest. My little boy.


Those tears I thought I would have didn't come, instead the happiest smile broke out across my face, I beamed from ear to ear as I looked down at this little boy I loved so much already. I looked up at Dave, his cheeks were wet from his tears, the ones I thought I would have. I don't remember the rest, being stitched up or the placenta, I just spent time gazing into this little boys eyes.  

No time for cameras, no time for card games, you were in a big hurry to get out. 
Darby weighed 8 pound 6, 51cm and was squishy and chubby and just perfect. Both him and I went into shock, but some kind of delirious, happy shock. He didn't cry and he sure as hell didn't want to eat. 

We tried to call my mum and dad, but the phone rang out , we tried again and the same thing! So I called my sister. Woke her up from her sleep! Took a few moments for her to register with her that she had become an Aunty. She was very excited (and our first visitor the next day!) Eventually my mum called me back. I said, "mum you are a grandmother" - she was taken aback and again it took her awhile to register that my baby had already arrived! {It turns out they had got stuck into the red wine that night and were in a deep sleep when I called!!}

There he was, my perfect little bundle of joy, so cliched, but oh so true. He has become my right hand man through those 5 years, it has been such an honour to watch him grow.

Now he is five, and growing up so quickly! 

Happy Birthday Darb's,  Love you heaps my little man. Thank you for being you! 


Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM  (hope she is feeling better after her wisdom teeth extraction!) for

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee





Thursday, September 13, 2012

Yummy Black Bean Brownies

When you think of Brownies, does it conjure up feelings of wicked delight?? It does for me. 

They  are one of my favourite desserts, and  are best when they are  rich and gooey and deliciously fudgy and the best kind of food for fixing the worlds problems. 

So it is always nice when I can find a recipe that not only ticks the above boxes, but is actually good for me too. How can that be?

Well thanks to a fabulous blog that transforms all these comfort foods into delicicios healthy treats. A blog that keeps me inspired on the sweets front every single day; Chocolate Covered Katie, is always a source of inspiration when I want to cook something healthy yet sweet and chocolatey. 

When I receieved an email from her blog on Friday for Black Bean brownies, I knew I just had to try!  These had no flour and no egg, but somehow still maintained that gooey goodness of a brownie. You can check out her recipe here. I have made a couple of amendments, mainly based on what I had in the cupboard, and just a few things  I like to throw in.

I also doubled the recipe to make a full tray, and I think this worked better. So go and try them now, you wont regret it!

Oh and you generally cant get Black Beans at the supermarket, but I managed to pick up some organic ones at my local health food store for $2 a tin, and today at a Mediterranean supermarket I found some for 0.75cents a tin, so they are definitely around!

Black Bean Brownies

Preheat oven to 175 degrees. 

Line a square or rectangle cake tin with Baking paper

2 cans of Black beans - drained of the liquid and thoroughly washed
1 cup of quick oats 
4 tbsp of Cocoa - I used Cacao powder (better for you!) 
1/2 cup of rice bran syrup (you can use maple, honey, or another  sweet syrup )
2 drops of Stevia  (or use 2 tbsp of sugar here) 
1/2 tsp of Salt
1/2 tsp of Baking powder
1/2 cup of coconut oil (or Rice bran oil) 
3 tsp of Vanilla Extract
2 tbsp of Desiccated Coconut
tbsp of Macadamia or other nut butter
1 tablespoon of Chia Seeds
2 tbsp of Cacao Nibs (adds some crunch)
1/2 to 2/3 cup of Dark Chocolate Chips 

(Some additions: 
- Add 1/2 cup of Slivered almonds/pecans/walnuts for a crunchy difference
- 1/4 cup of cranberries for a fruity flavour 
- 1/3 cup of cooked beetroot !) 

Add all of these ingredients to a food processor and blend until smooth. I used a blender as that was all I had and it still turned out lovely. I imagine it would be even better in a food processor. Pour into bowl and add the Chocolate chips and Cacao nibs and then pour into the tin. {Today I had white chocolate chips so I had 1/4 cup of them and 1/3 cup of dark chocolate chips- Yum} 
Bake in the oven for 18 minute -22 minutes depending on your oven. Keep checking until it is the right consistency for you. Ours was quite fudgy which is the way I like it! 

Leave to cool for 10 minutes before cutting into slices.  

Cut yourself a big slice, boil the kettle, make a cup of tea and then sit back and enjoy the chocolately goodness! Bliss!!! {And all good for you too!! }

Oh and do yourself a favour and check out Katie's Blog, you wont regret it! 


Today I am linking up for FYBF over with the gorgeous Grace  over at With some Grace ...... 

Until next time life is too short for crap coffee

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Flowers; my unlikely friend!


You see flowers and I don't really get along! I love the look of them, they can brighten up a room or my day, make a house a home, (but the flowers in my home are all of the fake plastic kind).  Its just that the real things don't make me feel physically good. We have a very fractured past. 

When given them in hospital when having my hip replacement they gave me massive headaches and nearly made me pass out. (They were quickly escorted out of the room.)
I then broke out in hives when Darby was born from all those beautiful congratulatory bunches.  My new mother body resembled a big red blotch, not to mention the itch factor. Again all those gorgeous bunches were removed from sight.
I was also allergic to the flowers I had as bridesmaid in the wedding I was just in, the migraine I got was shocking, but I just kept on smiling! When I caught the bouquet at the end of the night, I asked the bride politely if I could leave them behind!

Not to mention the severe hay fever that entails when spring rolls around. We are 11 days in, and I'm happy to say the sneezing hasn't begun, but I am waiting!
 
So doing a Fox in Flats style dare about celebrating the first week of spring  by wearing flowers seemed crazy to me.  That is until I took a good look around my wardrobe and took in the abundance of flowers. Flowers of all kinds staring right back at me.  It seemed my lack of flowers in the real world was replaced by my need to dress in every floral assortment available. I could have done this dare for a month and still not have run out of something with a flower on it.
I have tried many a style dare this year, but never nailing it. Running out of steam or of the clothes/accessories I'm meant to be showcasing, but not this one! 
Even though the style dare is now over, I'm still in my floral wear and plan to stay that way all through spring.
 
Do you wear flowers?? Do you have a style that you have just become aware of wearing?
 

Today I am linking up with the delightful Jess at Diary of SAHM for

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee













Friday, September 7, 2012

Favorite Photo Friday - Darby's 1st year

In a matter of days my little, big boy will be turning FIVE. It seems like such a milestone, a whole hand, half a decade, a school boy. How does that time go so fast???

We had Darby's birth certificate out the other day for his school enrolments and as his dad and I oohed and ahhed over the finer details, our jobs at the time, the location, the date, the memories , oh the memories and then to our ages. Dave was alright he was already 33, but I got caught on my own age, and couldn't take my eyes off it - 27.

27 didn't feel so young back then but I only realise now how much time has actually passed to bring my boy up to his 5th birthday,  that has included me getting older. 
I am wiser I am sure of that, my wisdom I am learning everyday  from life lessons and from the little boy who is by my side (and now comes up to my waist).  When did this all happen? When did I stop carrying him on my hip? When did I stop doing all those things you do with a baby. 
Although a baby still in so many ways, he is now a boy, his own boy. Making choices of his own, and growing into an independent, cheeky, and lovely person. 

This week I am getting all nostalgic, sharing a couple (well more than a couple - sorry, but I have so many) of my favorite pictures from Darbys first year. I barely had the camera not in his face (sound familiar??) and that has not changed, nor do I think it will! 

What age did you have your kids? Did your child turning 5 seem like a big milestone? 

Today I am linking up for FYBF over with the gorgeous Grace  over at With some Grace ...... 
 Until next time life is too short for crap coffee

















Monday, September 3, 2012

Mad Monday ...

When you get kicked in the head by your child waking up in the morning (oh an accident of course), you know its not going to be a good day!  My cheeky child cranked up his cheekiness  a few notches today and needless to say, I'm exhausted, my eyes are hanging out of my head, and I never want a repeat of today, like ever! 
As soon as one thing goes wrong, it is only fair that everything else follows shortly behind. There were tears, many, many tears. Those tears came from both of us at different times. 
The tears came thick and fast when Darby had many tantrums regarding basically everything,  and my tears were at his frustration and the sheer determination of my child. It wore me down, I feel broken and like a failure. Oh and the ultimate came when I bought a new bottle of organic Maple syrup for $12 and the bag broke when I got home and it smashed all over the ground. That's when I really broke and I burst into big, sobbing tears. I knew it wasn't really important in the scheme of things , but it tipped me over.  My sheer exhaustion  hitting me like a brick in the head. Darby was shocked and tried to comfort me, I needed a big fat drink, but instead I ploughed on and made dinner. Although a happy ending did come when he went to bed easily tonight, sweet relief. 

I love my little sidekick with my whole heart, I really really do,  but today was just one of those days. I know we all have them and I know tomorrow is a new, fresh  day and I just hope it doesn't start the same way again. 

Until next time 

Java Jane 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Fathers Day...

Fathers day this year was spent with my dad for breakfast. It was so nice for Darby to wake up and have Grandpa laying next to him (they spent the weekend at my place!) He was so excited to present him with his gift and card! His love and adoration for my dad melts my heart.

After celebrating the awesomeness that is my dad with the rest of my family, we went to pick up Darby's dad and take him out for  Fathers day lunch. 

Even though we are not together, we are able to still enjoy a lunch out, with plenty of entertaining  conversation,  laughs and jokes. In so many ways I feel so lucky to be at a point where I know Darby, in his later life, will be proud at the way his parents handled their separation. He was too young to remember the initial pain,  disbelief and distress (not that there was too much of that shown to him).  
Now he knows we are not together but we are friends and we are still somewhat a family. The only family he knows and loves.
What we have now I hope stays like this for as long as possible. It may not be realistic for forever, but I carry the hope we can maintain this friendship going forward.

Darby spent the rest of the day with his dad before coming back to me tonight. Nothing is conventional around here, but I am beginning to like it like that. 

Happy Fathers day to the dads out there!

Until next time 


{I am participating in a challenge this month #Blogfor30  over with Renee at About a Bugg- to try and blog every day for the month of September, I'm not sure Ill be able to keep up, but I have made an ok start!}




Saturday, September 1, 2012

Reflection.....

The first day of spring brings sunshine and warmth, the possibilities of new adventures. The new season is a time to shed that winter coat and look toward the future. It is also hard at this time to not look back at the past. Today is the anniversary I shared with Dave, its been 2 years since we separated but it would have been 8 years today. It is hard not to let the mind wonder to what might have been. 

I know I chose the right path for Darby and for myself, but its only natural to look back and reflect. Things between us are as good as they will be, and Darby is so well adjusted, knowing both his parents love him so much. We can get along with ease, share a joke and still spend time together as a family, without it confusing any of us. 

This  reflection today for me is all part of grieving process, I am for the most part a healed woman, but at times I realise how much more I have to mend my heart.  I cherish those happy times we had together and I cling to those memories. I never regret a thing that happened. I hate the cliche that all things happen for a reason, but I really do believe that. This relationship led me to become a mother, a changed woman forever.

But I hope this spring brings some growth and change for me , it is what I am needing to help me move on to better places and the kind of happiness that I know really does exist..

Until Next time, 
Java Jane   
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