Marching to my own beat....Who am I ???

 I saw this "March to your own Beat" challenge from Laney over at Crash Test Mummy and it really resonated with me.. I think about my life before I was a mum a lot.. My journey into motherhood was not as I had played out in my mind.. A big surprise.. but I wouldnt have it any other way now...   So it takes so brain power to  really remember... but its nice to put my mummy mind to work and reminisce about the good old days pre kids!! 

Me Before I was a mum...

I was young... really young.. but I only see that when I look back at the photos now (and in the mirror at the subsequent wrinkles). 

I was 27 when I had Darby so not a spring chicken by any standards, but at the time I imagined babies to be an  something I would do when I was older, more mature and grown up, something I would get around to doing after some travelling the world and once I hit my dirty thirties!! So it was to my surprise that in January 2007 I discovered I was preggers!! A very very  big  shock to the system! So I had to adjust suddenly from being all about me to being all about me and my baby!! It took a lot of getting used to and alot to get my head around!

So here are a few random things that before I was a mum I used to: 

❤  I used to drink too much, stay out all night dancing and sleep all the next day without a care in the world! 

❤  I loved singing karaoke to really bad bad music - Think Foreigner, Dragon, Belinda Carlisle, Bon Jovi.. Fleetwood Mac.. come to think of it I would still love this if  I just got the chance...

❤  I went out with really bad toxic boys...something I  will try really hard to avoid  now!!

❤  I was a fabulous friend (I hope I still am).. always willing to lend an ear, or shoulder to cry on..

❤  I could sleep when I wanted where I wanted
❤ I could call in sick to work.. I discovered there are no sick days when you are a mum!

❤  I used to go to the football with my dad (a past favourite love of mine!) 

❤ I could visit a toilet/shower or any other private place without feeling like I was being invaded by a little one

❤ I had a sense of humour

❤ My heart didn't explode out of my chest at the joy and the fear of motherhood

❤  My bum wasn't as saggy, actually most of my body was more perky and not heading south...

❤  I was messy - yep.. this I still am... 
❤  I was vain and  obsessed with how I looked.. 
❤  I was constantly on a diet... whatever made me look the most fab and less flab.. actually I am probably still at this point... although Im not as fab anymore!

❤ Wearing a boob tube wasn't a big deal

❤  Actually wearing any thing that revealed skin was a okay

❤ Singing loudly in the car was acceptable and I wasn't judged or laughed at, or told to stop!

❤ I never went to a playground

❤  I used to exercise daily (probably why I could wear a boob tube!)
❤ I wasn't very maternal, and the thought of holding a baby scared the bejesus out of me

❤  I could make last minute decisions without it affecting anyone or having to deal with logistics!

❤   I ate a bowl of ice-cream every single night! 

❤  My list could go on and on .......

The most important lesson i have learnt..  
I realised I can pretty much deal with any shit life throws at me... Knock me down and I will get back up again stronger and more resilient. I have had some crap things to deal with over the years - many many operations on my legs, a hip replacement, a very painful nerve condition in my face, the breakdown of my relationship, and the guts to put myself first and become a single parent.  Although they have been as hard as hell, I have managed to stay positive...always trying to see the glass half full.  I definitely think I have managed better with  my physical pain  than the emotional crap that has come along.. Cut my leg open any day.. it is less painful than a broken heart...

The craziest thing I have done... 

I tend to have down some pretty crazy things.. Why were there always under the influence of alcohol??? I remember doing some rather immature and crazy things when I was on crutches... I'm sure I can think of more but my brain eludes me tonight!! One semi crazy thing was a Tuesday night dinner at a friends place, that turned into a full blown party (of 4) - drinks... dancing and very very loud singing!!! Enough for the Police to be called at 2am... we just didnt hear them knocking on the apartment door...  until there was a break in the song... They had recieved several complaints from neighbours! Oops!!!  

I did .... even when people told me it couldn't be done .....

I recovered from my Hip Surgeries much faster than anyone thought I could..most of this was my sheer will to get better.. I remember knowing each day I was a step closer to being better and back to normal  and these positive thoughts really drove me...

I also managed to deliver Darby naturally even when those around me thought I would need to have a Caesarean .. I proved them all wrong, I had him  40 minutes after arriving at hospital, no time for the drugs!  

I knew exactly what to do and knew I was right when....
I moved in with Dave after 2 months of getting together.. It was crazy... but I have always gone on my gut instinct and its generally pretty spot on.. If my heart and head is telling me its right, it is the right thing to do!  
When I was toeing and frooing whether to end my relationship with Dave, I knew it was the right thing for me to do, no matter how painful and distressing it was at the time.  I was making the right decision for myself and for Darby, and no one else could make that call for me..That has been by far the biggest and hardest decision I have made in my life...
Most recently when my role was made redundant and they offered me another role in the company, I knew it was the right thing for me to leave.. It was one of the hardest conversations I have had but it has been the best decision I have made.. 

I can't wait until next week for the next challenge.. I will get my creative juices flowing so I can think of more things!!!

Until next time