So I am guessing the following weeks will be just as hard at making me question my values, beliefs and what is important to me, not only as a mum but as an individual, the person that I know is in there, but that I don't see much of anymore.......
I had to dig very deep to come up with these answers, because on any given day these answers could be completely different... Its not as though my values or beliefs change dramatically .. but there is always an ebb and flow of whats going on in life and what is important right at each particular moment! I bet I read this next week and will have something better to say!
More than anything I want to do something about
Providing Darby the most stable future that I can... this means I have needed to work on the ways I manage my relationship with his dad. I want to be able to look back and feel proud of how I have handled what was always going to be a very difficult situation.
I have had to really grow up and let go of all the baggage, the anger and resentment that to be honest was holding me back. It was so so easy to get caught up in all of these negative emotions, the whats, whys, ifs, hows, I could feel myself getting bitter and twisted playing my life out in my head (aren't we all just a little bit bitter and twisted at times?) and it really wasn't good for anyone..
Once I surrended that anger I felt a new sense of wellbeing, of calm... of being able to see into a more positive future.
Those postal feelings come up once in awhile, but I really try my very best to keep them in check as much as possible. I want Darby to look back and say:
"wow even though mum and dad weren't together, they could still be friends...still do things together, still celebrate my successes, my journey in life and provide me with equal love and support together.." (well I'm sure he won't phrase it this way... but you know what I mean!)
I want him to have profound respect and gratitude for the fact I made the right decision to be a single mum but also that Dave and I could be so close! Who knew I would get to this point...
I have had to really grow up and let go of all the baggage, the anger and resentment that to be honest was holding me back. It was so so easy to get caught up in all of these negative emotions, the whats, whys, ifs, hows, I could feel myself getting bitter and twisted playing my life out in my head (aren't we all just a little bit bitter and twisted at times?) and it really wasn't good for anyone..
Once I surrended that anger I felt a new sense of wellbeing, of calm... of being able to see into a more positive future.
Those postal feelings come up once in awhile, but I really try my very best to keep them in check as much as possible. I want Darby to look back and say:
"wow even though mum and dad weren't together, they could still be friends...still do things together, still celebrate my successes, my journey in life and provide me with equal love and support together.." (well I'm sure he won't phrase it this way... but you know what I mean!)
I want him to have profound respect and gratitude for the fact I made the right decision to be a single mum but also that Dave and I could be so close! Who knew I would get to this point...
The values that are most important to me are...
Maintaining my sense of self.. I think I have always tried to do this.. I have always tried to look after myself... This is very important to me and I didn't want that to change when I became a mum... there were obvious adjustments, but that sense of self and self care were still there... being a mum is undoubtedly the most important thing to me, but so is allowing myself to be creative, happy and making sure I have work /life /mum/balance. This used to be easier in a partnership.. it is much harder to balance the scales now, I have to ask people to help and this isn't always an easy thing to do...
Oh and of course my sense of family is very important.. my family is everything to me.. Darby is my family but one day I would like to be able to expand my family... this is the journey I am currently on.. (a man hunt!)
My proudest moment.
There have been many... climbing Ayres Rock when even I thought this was impossible with my dodgy hips, seeing my footy team win a grand final, delivering Darby in a very peaceful, uncomplicated way, well it would have been complicated if I had him 45 minutes earlier in my car!! (this is making me want to write down his birth story before all the quirky elements dissipate from my brain!)
There have been many... climbing Ayres Rock when even I thought this was impossible with my dodgy hips, seeing my footy team win a grand final, delivering Darby in a very peaceful, uncomplicated way, well it would have been complicated if I had him 45 minutes earlier in my car!! (this is making me want to write down his birth story before all the quirky elements dissipate from my brain!)
I want to be remembered for
Being a creative force... Im not sure I am there yet... but I have been told by other people I have a creative gene.. Im just on an adventure to find my niche! I need to do physical things... things I am able to touch.. I also want to be remembered for making people feel good! This is why I love doing wedding makeup.. nothing feels better than making someone shine on one of their most important days..
Time stands still when
I think.. I'm a thinker, a ponderer of life.. I can lose hours just working through the things in my head.. It really is quite exhausting!! ...
I gained a greater understanding of how my head works when I completed the Birkman assessment I did as part of my job redundancy last year.. this psychological assessment gave me unique insights into my personality, things I already knew and things I knew but never wanted to admit... When I was being walked through mine, it was like a light bulb moments.. flash, flash, flash, I felt tears rolling down my face.. It was so spot on!
Thinking and working things over in my mind rated really really highly for me, as it was an innate habit, I had never really noticed.. Now that I am aware, I feel better equipped to work through my thinking to give me answers, ideas and inspirations..
Thinking and working things over in my mind rated really really highly for me, as it was an innate habit, I had never really noticed.. Now that I am aware, I feel better equipped to work through my thinking to give me answers, ideas and inspirations..
My most treasured possession ..
Apart from Darby which is a given, my most treasured possessions are my photos... They adorn every wall and space of my very small unit! They tell my story, take me back to a place, a memory, a smell, a moment... I love photos and I love to get behind the camera and take them! This will never ever change! (I guess I love my computer as well as it houses all my photos!) Also my bracelet I received for my 30th from Darby, and my mum, dad and sis... I wear it religiously every day and I feel naked without it!
Apart from Darby which is a given, my most treasured possessions are my photos... They adorn every wall and space of my very small unit! They tell my story, take me back to a place, a memory, a smell, a moment... I love photos and I love to get behind the camera and take them! This will never ever change! (I guess I love my computer as well as it houses all my photos!) Also my bracelet I received for my 30th from Darby, and my mum, dad and sis... I wear it religiously every day and I feel naked without it!
Something I was totally and emotionally committed to ....
My coffee challenge last year... and the reason I began this blog.. The challenge I set was random... but it said a lot about me, I felt as though at the time, and even now I was worthy of some kind of success... I needed to do something for myself, throw myself head first into a challenge... Ok drinking 100 coffees seems pretty unique in intself... but having just gone through a painful relationship breakdown.. it was important for me to find myself again, and to help myself heal... I used it as my reward for the year...
It was the glue that held me together.. without it I would have fallen apart!
Until next time , life is too short to drink crappy coffee...
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