Spring in my step.....

Something has shifted in my life, something very profound for me.

It is something that has been missing in action around these parts for quite some time. Maybe even years.

Yes it is that ever elusive thing called Happiness!

Don't get me wrong I have had many a  happy moment over the last few years, blissful ones really, but that's what they were, just fleeting moments.
I had never just had that overwhelming sense of happiness, that feeling that fills your every being, I haven't had that in a long long time, maybe ever.

After a pretty crappy November, I really thought I was possibly heading for some kind of rock bottom, I was flying headfirst towards some kind a breakdown!  I was waiting patiently.  I  didn't think  I would be serendipitously scooped up with a wave of this long awaited emotion.

I can't exactly put my finger on what has shifted, Maybe it is that time of year where most feel  a sense of festive spirit, maybe, it certainly  has made a difference.

But  Xmas's past, I have felt flat and my Xmas cheer has felt contrived, Like I was trying to manufacture my own  festive happiness,  if I pretended to be happy, I would be happy.

I have realised that you cannot manifest that kind of thing no matter how hard you try,  I just wasn't able to inject the real thing into my life. 

This feeling I have, its definitely a feeling that has come from within. In the last few weeks, nothing physical has changed, but I have noticed I have a swing in my step, even a bit of a swagger if you don't mind.  My confidence and sense of self has increased.

Maybe that fall recently really did knock some common sense into that head of mine!

There are many things I still wish to change about myself, but I want make changes with a positive frame of mind, not a negative one.  I'm not ecstatic with the way look, but I have reached a point where I am happy and grateful for what I have. Ill work with what I have got,  I am and forever will be  a work in progress in all aspects. Striving to be better, but at the same time realising I am good as I am now.
I am what I am, and its taken me a long time to get to this point - I cant say I will be here for long, but its something.

I know I am mentally strong, I can and will survive any adversity that comes my way, all that stuff about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well its so true. 

I am finally fully open to change, to try new things,  for exciting challenges and  to open up my eyes wider to a new world. I'm not scared anymore, I am at a point where I need to do this for me.

That flutter in my heart, and buzzing in my stomach, that almost giddy feeling  is  not something I'm used to feeling,  but I like it.

I try to smile instead of frown, I am trying to match my body language with these new feelings,  I am laughing wherever possible, finding the joy in the little things. 

I have noticed myself injecting little things into my day that give me a lift .
Stopping at my favourite coffee shop on the way to work, exploring new places,  walking and embracing the sunshine, doing exercise that I used to love, dancing around my lounge room with Darby, baking my favourite meals, listening to music really loudly, singing really badly, Trying to think of others, taking more pride in the my appearance. Trying to make myself look a bit more sparkly and pretty. Wanting to write more, speak more, and listen more.  Telling myself that I am worthy, worthy of great and magical things.

Whatever it is I am doing, its all working, I haven't felt this amazing in a very long time. There is this calm acceptance, and this giddy excitement for the future. My pessimistic outlook for my life is slowly dissipating

This feeling of happiness sits well, it sits really really well and I hope it decides to stick around for awhile to come.