Happy Xmas...

2012 has been a very up and down year for me. It has been a big one, thats for sure and it has gone ridiculously fast! 

Flown by really, and I am so glad that I am ending the year on a happy note. Feeling happy on the inside and injecting happiness into my life! Its a really positive way to end the year. 

Just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful and very happy Xmas and start to 2013. 

Lets hope it is an awesome year for everyone. 

Until next time, Life is too short for crappy coffee

Spring in my step.....

Something has shifted in my life, something very profound for me.

It is something that has been missing in action around these parts for quite some time. Maybe even years.

Yes it is that ever elusive thing called Happiness!

Don't get me wrong I have had many a  happy moment over the last few years, blissful ones really, but that's what they were, just fleeting moments.
I had never just had that overwhelming sense of happiness, that feeling that fills your every being, I haven't had that in a long long time, maybe ever.

After a pretty crappy November, I really thought I was possibly heading for some kind of rock bottom, I was flying headfirst towards some kind a breakdown!  I was waiting patiently.  I  didn't think  I would be serendipitously scooped up with a wave of this long awaited emotion.

I can't exactly put my finger on what has shifted, Maybe it is that time of year where most feel  a sense of festive spirit, maybe, it certainly  has made a difference.

But  Xmas's past, I have felt flat and my Xmas cheer has felt contrived, Like I was trying to manufacture my own  festive happiness,  if I pretended to be happy, I would be happy.

I have realised that you cannot manifest that kind of thing no matter how hard you try,  I just wasn't able to inject the real thing into my life. 

This feeling I have, its definitely a feeling that has come from within. In the last few weeks, nothing physical has changed, but I have noticed I have a swing in my step, even a bit of a swagger if you don't mind.  My confidence and sense of self has increased.

Maybe that fall recently really did knock some common sense into that head of mine!

There are many things I still wish to change about myself, but I want make changes with a positive frame of mind, not a negative one.  I'm not ecstatic with the way look, but I have reached a point where I am happy and grateful for what I have. Ill work with what I have got,  I am and forever will be  a work in progress in all aspects. Striving to be better, but at the same time realising I am good as I am now.
I am what I am, and its taken me a long time to get to this point - I cant say I will be here for long, but its something.

I know I am mentally strong, I can and will survive any adversity that comes my way, all that stuff about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well its so true. 

I am finally fully open to change, to try new things,  for exciting challenges and  to open up my eyes wider to a new world. I'm not scared anymore, I am at a point where I need to do this for me.

That flutter in my heart, and buzzing in my stomach, that almost giddy feeling  is  not something I'm used to feeling,  but I like it.

I try to smile instead of frown, I am trying to match my body language with these new feelings,  I am laughing wherever possible, finding the joy in the little things. 

I have noticed myself injecting little things into my day that give me a lift .
Stopping at my favourite coffee shop on the way to work, exploring new places,  walking and embracing the sunshine, doing exercise that I used to love, dancing around my lounge room with Darby, baking my favourite meals, listening to music really loudly, singing really badly, Trying to think of others, taking more pride in the my appearance. Trying to make myself look a bit more sparkly and pretty. Wanting to write more, speak more, and listen more.  Telling myself that I am worthy, worthy of great and magical things.

Whatever it is I am doing, its all working, I haven't felt this amazing in a very long time. There is this calm acceptance, and this giddy excitement for the future. My pessimistic outlook for my life is slowly dissipating

This feeling of happiness sits well, it sits really really well and I hope it decides to stick around for awhile to come.

My December 2012 playlist

Every month for the past 2 and a bit years I  have religiously made a music play list. I listen to it for a month, and then it is filed away nicely in iTunes. At the end of the month, its a clean slate to make a new one.  

 It is a bit like my musical diary. 

It was something I did when Dave and I split up,  and it seemed to help.  Music full stop  just seemed to help.  

It soothed my heart when it was hurting. it put fire in my belly when I wanted to be angry, it gave me an outlet to cry easily, to sing really loudly, to live in the moment. To be completely raw.  

My psychologist pointed out to me it was a better way  for my creative mind to deal with the multitude of feelings I was feeling.  Instead of writing  them down which  I found too hard and draining (before blogging of course!!) , I would  to select the music that represented the emotions I was experiencing. 

Its funny looking back on those play lists, and how the songs, all carry themes of Grief. Anger, Denial,  Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, which just a little bit of happiness. 

Some of the same songs always appeared,  every month, and some dropped off, when I felt no need to listen to them anymore.  When I had passed through one of those stages.  I can really tell what my moods must have been like.  My musical diary is quite a powerful recollection of those times. 

I was sure there was more break up songs on the radio when we broke up, than  I had ever  heard before.  I recently  had to pull  the car over on the freeway when the Rihanna/Emimen song - "Love the way you lie" came on the radio.  Immediately I had flashbacks, I felt like I was choking, like I was going to be sick, it dragged up all these feelings of how I was back then. It is scary that music  has the power to dig up lost feelings and memories, good and bad. I guess you can say it talks to your soul.

Out of habit I still make a list.  This month,  just looking at it, it seems so happy, so alive, so energised. I haven't had a list like this for a while.  I suppose it says alot about how I am feeling this month. 

I thought I would share my songs on here. They are a little (a lot)  daggy, but that's the way I roll. 

In some way they all represent a path I have taken.  Its taken a long time to get here, and I think I have finally arrived. Some are new songs, some are old, some are nostalgic, and some are just pure Christmas. 

They are happy and bubbly and full of life,  I love listening to sad songs, but at this time of year, upbeat is the only way to go. They make me just want to sing and dance, and in life whats better than that! 

Hope you are listening to music that makes you happy  and smile at this time of year - I would love to hear what would be on your favourite December song list! 

Today I am linking up for FYBF over with the gorgeous Grace  over at With some Grace 

Until next time

Well Hello There ....

When I was 18, I was incredibly shy.  Well to put it more correctly my shyness mainly revolved around my communication skills with  the opposite sex.

Actually I was always really shy. I  had never really had a boyfriend of more than a few weeks during  high school.  I  favoured building strong female friendships over having to deal with boy germs.

I thought boys were rather silly, somewhat scary and rather intimidating. Of course I had high school crushes  (who doesn't?) but never anything other than that. 

When I moved to Melbourne for university, it was blatantly obvious to all of my new friends, that I was lacking in confidence  when it came to speaking to guys.

In fact I could hardly string a couple of words together. Maybe a "hello" and if the poor guy was lucky, I would add a "how are you". I would get all tongue tied and then just end up standing in uncomfortable silence, before he walked away, never to be seen again.  Humiliating!!!! 

Oh and eye contact, what eye contact. I preferred to just look at my shoes. 

My very well meaning friends wanted to change all of this, they could see this may become an issue down the track when trying to find my prince charming.

So I suppose as part of my university orientation, for the first few months of they would lend me their boyfriends to practice small talk on.
I was to at least try and maintain eye contact and have a conversation.  Looking back now, it was probably rather embarrassing for both me and the boyfriends. In fact, it must have been and I am guessing I would have had a few drinks under my belt to actually have done this,  but it did work! 

Once I progressed from the boyfriends, my wing women, would encourage me to go up to just about anyone and start conversations! 

After a while they took my training wheels off when I felt competent and confident enough to make that awkward small talk on my own, unguided, unsupervised.

In fact I became quite good at it actually, I wouldn't go as far as saying it was easy,  but I got my  game down pat. It worked well enough to finally find a decent guy, settle down, move in together and have a gorgeous baby. 

Now that I am back to being single again,  I feel as though I am back to where I was when I was 18, needing  some of those lessons in small talk all over again!

I know my skills must be better, I don't shudder at the thought of speaking to guys,  but I do feel myself retreating and taking on some of those shy tendencies, that I worked so hard trying to change. 

Looking away when eyes are met.  Shutting down my body language, when I know I should be staying more open and receptive.

More than anything I want to available to  new things and new relationships, I just need a little bit of that coaching again.
Of course I am petrified of being hurt,  but I have realised, who isn't? Life really is too short to be worried about that.

I know I have nothing to lose, and I would hate to see potential relationships slip through my fingers because I was too timid to say more than hello. 

Any tips or tricks on how to talk to the opposite sex?   What worked for you? Any advice is good advice!  I'm all ears!! 

Cleaning out the cobwebs

This weekend past, I did some clearing out, some cleansing of sorts. It was time to detox my  little apartment. 

I haven't been able to see my bedroom floor for some time now,  I just had too much stuff laying around,  stuff that wasn't being used, needed or appreciated. 

I had to be honest with myself, some of this stuff has been here for 2 and a half years waiting to be unpacked from  the other  big move. I  knew I was ignoring it, not wanting to deal with it, but really it was getting ridiculous! 

Enough was enough! 

So on Saturday I enlisted the help of my very kind sister (on the proviso I bought her lunch!) to help me tackle this massive headache, on a 37 degree day no less. 

My motto was to be completely ruthless, I didn't wear half of these clothes, I knew they would be better off in another home, loved by someone else. I tried not to let my emotions come into play, otherwise I wouldn't want to part with anything. 

And throw out we did!  I filled 7 garbage bags  full of clothes. And without a second thought (and before I changed my mind) we jumped in the car and took them to Savers in Footscray. A  very kind young man came out and helped me get them out of the car and off they went to a better home,  to be treasured by someone who needs them.  I felt very proud of myself! 

I also felt lighter already! Next it was onto the other random things  that have  taken up space in my room. Another 5 bags of garbage was collected. It is still to go in the bin as the my bin was rather full after the first few bags, but its all going! 

On Sunday I was on a roll and decided it was time to do Darby's room too. So we sat for hours and went through all his toys and books.  Donating at least half of his toys, and half  his books.  He was reluctant at first, but then he was fine, and was really honest about what he did and didn't want to keep. 

We donated them to the Op Shop again. I kept a few of his really special books that he has outgrown, but I just cant part with.  I will offer these to his cousin and to  friends with younger children. 

He loves books and they have always been so important in his life.  Giving most away was just another realisation that my little boy is growing up fast. 

I decided to re gift a few of his all time favourites last week. They deserve to bring others joy as much as they have brought us joy.  

Our House is now surrounded in rubbish bags but once they are gone, we will have more room and less mess. 

I feel less stressed already, waking up to a much brighter and clearer room and head.  I can go to bed feeling at peace. I know that I can survive on minimal clothes, and Darby can survive and thrive on minimal toys.  We really  don't need much to be happy,  just each other. 

I am so glad I have done this before Xmas.  We can start the New Year afresh.  I also feel like my spark is coming back, and I think it has to do with removing all  of these  cobwebs from my life,  hopefully to bring  about some new  and exciting beginnings. 

How often do you Spring Clean your things? 

Until next time, 

Just call me clumsy

I had a fall on the weekend. It was a pretty spectacular fall from grace, and at the time a very embarrassing one.

A fall is not at all uncommon in my neck of the woods. 

Normally I just lose balance and fall on my knees,  graze them a little, and move on. 

On the weekend though, I fell on my face! I didn't just suffer  a small graze, no, of course I wasn't that lucky.
I suffered the most magnificent kind of graze that has ever graced my body, and a black eye to boot!

I have always been a clumsy girl, I think it comes down to my wonky hips. One of my legs is an inch or so shorter than the other, so I have always been at a disadvantage when trying to keep on a even keel!

Although most of the time I think my flaky personality, my day dreaming and being ever so distracted is more likely the culprit for these nasty tumbles.

On Saturday, it was probably a mixture of both, with just a tad bad luck really.  I tripped on a curb,  my foot caught a small bump on the curb and  I was down, no times for my hands to go out and protect me, They were holding a bag which ended up protecting my chest area, Thank goodness those bits werent injured! phew. 

I have a scraped knee and that's all my body has to show for it. Except for my face, my poor poor  swollen face!

When my sister came to take care of me, all she could do was laugh, not in a mean way, but in an  uncomfortable "oh my god you look horrible, only you could  have had this bad luck" kind of way. She called my mum and couldn't stop laughing then either, her disbelief  in how I looked turned to giggles, I tried to laugh, but the pain really stopped me. 

I had to see a Doctor, just to rule out any serious injuries, but going out in public was horrendous. 

Nowhere to hide the evidence, the uncomfortable outings with my over sized sunglasses and hat. I looked down at the ground the whole  time,  not wanting to make eye contact with any body passing by,  feeling strangers stares baring down on me, looking at my fat lip, my swollen eye and grazed cheek. I was sure  some would be judging me, putting pieces of a story that had never happened together,  some were concerned and others just looked away. 

I have absolutely no idea what it is like to be a victim of any kind of violence, but I do somehow know in a small way how it must feel when gazes are not met, and judgements are made, before my mouth has even opened  to explain what happened. 

My former partner walked me to the doctor, but did not want to walk in with me, for fear of being judged.  It did look like I had bee beaten up really badly. The doctor who saw me just winced when he opened the door to see my face. 

I have never really felt so insecure about my looks, and to be honest when I put my hand across my left side, all I could see was my beautiful normal face and eyes, and I have never ever felt like that before.  I have never ever wanted to be back to what I look like.  

Its been a strange few days of mixed emotions I haven't felt before and pain I haven't endured. Swollen head kind of pain, sunken eye kind of pain, bruised face kind of pain. 

My face is beginning to heal and I am beginning to look like me again, the swelling is going down and the graze is being covered in every kind of healing cream there is on the market! 

Lets hope next time I fall, I stick to just grazing the normal parts like  my hands and knees. Or is that I just need to remember to put my hands out!  

Please universe smile on me, no more falls for a while, please!  I think I have well and truly used up my quota for the yea

Family ties

Yesterday I was so  lucky to be celebrating Darby's dads, sisters wedding - phew that's a mouthful!

It was such a beautiful day, organised on a whim with so very little time, but on the day it all came together wonderfully! I was responsible for hair and makeup and then looked after my baby niece,  their daughter throughout the ceremony. 

She had other plans of watching her mum and dad tie the knot,  instead she screamed and screamed in my arms for the entire ceremony and we missed the lot! Luckily it was short and sweet and she was back in her mums nurturing arms soon enough. 

The Melbourne day was steamy, everyone was a little tired after battling through a very hot evening, but there was a sense of joy and emotion that fills the air when a wedding is involved. 

Now this is not my own family, but a family that opened up there arms and welcomed me into their lives 8 years ago. I know I am in it for life!   I realise how special it is to be included.  Even since our  separation I have never ever ever  been treated any differently by Dave's family. 

At the Lunch that followed on from the ceremony, I sat on the family table next to Dave, it was fine, he can still be lovely and caring and and he also rib me quite well, I forget that he doesn't have much tact! 

It felt like a blast from the past, although as so much time has passed since we were together, I can roll my eyes at his jibes and enjoy myself catching up with the rest of his family! 

Darby had so much fun and revelled in the celebrations, clapping when clapping was needed and cheering where required.  He was beaming and did so well as it was such a big day for him. 

He loves his Aunty Corrie and Uncle Ray, they have been amazing role models to him, and it is so nice that he has the opportunity of forming a close bond with his cousin. 

He has spent so  much time with them and we are both so lucky that they now live in the same suburb as us.   It warms my heart that I still have two families that love Darby and I so much.

I am really so grateful I could be part of such a special day, I am so thankful that I live in such a modern and mature world, that despite a separation, I still feel as though I play a part in the family so dear to my heart. 

Linking up today with Bron from Maxabella Loves for 52 Weeks of Grateful 

A trip to the Zoo

Today the Melbourne sun was shining, it was the perfect day to go on an adventure to the Zoo. 

Darby, his Grandma and I headed there this morning for a day of animal spotting. 

The weather was nothing short of a perfect, 21 degrees, still and sunny. My idea of the best kind of day. 

I love the Melbourne Zoo, there is something so amazing about that place, The surroundings are so lush and tranquil. I must admit my favourite animals to look at  are the Gorillas and Monkeys and today they really put on a show for us! Oh boy did they make us giggle! 

I was also a hit in the butterfly enclosure. I had the gorgeous things fluttering all over me. Normally any kind of insect freaks me out, but for these little beauties I didn't mind a bit! 

Such a lovely day out, cant wait to go again! I'm adding it to the growing list of things to do on my own when Darby is at school!  How cruel is that! 

Hope everyone enjoyed the sunshine! 

Just another birthday....

Its my birthday at the end of this week.  I love birthdays, I love celebrations. 

So why is it that I  am dreading my special day? 

Ask anyone that knows me and they will be able to tell you how much I love my birthday.

I have always loved my birthday, always.  I remember having a count down  for the days leading up to the 24th of November every year. Ask my mum and I probably started the countdown in mid September. But she wouldn't mind,  I have been told I inherited this love from her. She is a birthday lover from way back. 

I have so many amazing childhood memories of my birthday, I can recall all of them, there are so many lovely, unique moments. Even of my early adulthood. I had fabulous parties, I loved bringing people together. 

For someone who is sitting on the fence of  being an introvert and extrovert, I would always, always come out of my shell and sit in the extrovert camp on my birthday! It was my day to live it up, to be bold and to be surrounded by people I loved. 

The last few birthdays have been celebrated, but my overall excitement leading up to them has been non existent. I have been sad. Very, very sad. 

I thought my thirties were going to be nothing short of fabulous. I would be confident, life would be on track, and I would have a sense of knowing I was in the right place. 

That really just went out the window in 2010.  Life is nothing like I imagined it to be. And as my birthday approaches, it is just a reminder of what is missing in my life and how far away I am from where I want to be. Although in  saying that I wouldn't trade the special relationship Darby and I have created together.
 

My first birthday as a single parent everything was still so raw, I baked myself a cake and I sat in a work meeting all day and cried.  Last year I was a little better but I still felt really flat, so I just got stuck into Gin and Tonics! That made me feel temporarily better.

This year I feel like nothing has really changed. My birthday is just a little reminder that I am not living my life to its fullest capacity . I know I have the ability too, but I'm just not. 

So many amazing things have happened to me in the year, and I will recognise that, but overall, I know in most aspects of life I need change. 

However I decided on the weekend that I  am going to put that aside, and really try hard to enjoy the opportunities  I have been given and the blessings in my life.

So on Friday I have made myself  a pact to celebrate this special day. As Oprah says "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate",  When Oprah says something you gotta listen! 

 So to mark the occasion I am going to get dressed up, I am going to make myself feel pretty, I am going to chow down on my favourite Mexican food with some of my favourite people, and I am going to go somewhere and dance, dance my little heart out to cheesy music, dance away my 33 year old blues. 

And this year, my 33rd year, I am going to take it by the balls  and I am going to live it. There is no time to waste. I'm going to follow my heart, take some risks and love. Fill my life with love, in whatever shape or form that is, and by the time I get to 34, I hope I'm back to  being excited about that big day..

Finally... they have arrived!

Today in the mail I received a much anticipated parcel. 

A parcel that was sent from the UK over 14 weeks ago.  This was a delivery of some  beloved photos of my holiday in the UK, the holiday that I went on oh so long ago.  

The parcel was crumpled, and tattered. It had seen better days, but the USB stick was tucked away,  safely protected by 2 pairs of 9 pound Primark jeans.  {I knew my bargain shopping obsession would come in handy one day!} 

My friend and I had  written the parcel off,  that some  UK postal worker or an Australia Post employee couldn't have gone past a pair of Primark Jeans. Alas we were wrong, and thank goodness too. 

Looking through the photos brought a tear to my eye. Oh how my holiday flew by, and oh how I just went straight back into real life. The ups and downs of a single parent. 

Don't get me wrong I absolutely missed Darby like nothing else, and loved coming home to him, but I did really relish that time that I had, just being me. Just Jane.

Jane the traveler, Jane the best friend, Jane the shopper, Jane the obsessive tea drinker, Jane the wanderer. Jane the talker. Jane the thinker. Jane the cider drinker. Jane the advice giver. Jane the croissant eater. Jane the scones and jam eater. Jane the Aunty. Jane the Explorer.

It was wonderful having a snapshot of my life from a different point of view. One I have not experienced in the last 5 or so years. And even though I feel selfish saying it,  While I was away I felt so empowered and happy.

So here are lots of  pictures (eek mainly of me, sorry!!)  from my stay in Charlbury, a sweet little town just outside of Oxford and my adventures in the UK.