Trying not to sink

I really haven't visited my blog much in the last 7 weeks. I have had many things to say, but the time to do it just hasn't been right. And then the exhaustion of the day hits me, and then its just too taxing to write at all. 

This school mum caper has not come easily to me. I have not coped on a whole number of levels. I am just surviving. Not thriving at all.  I'm sure it looks all fine on the surface, but really on the inside its just chaos.
I am trying to be easy on myself, I am only new at this and like any new job, there is always a period of adjustment. I am just trying to remind myself of that every day. 

This chaos I speak of came to an inevitable head last week.

It was hot, and I just didn't feel myself, I was sweating more, my heart was beating faster, work was beyond stressful, and I just had this horrible feeling in my guts. I felt out of control. I had no one picking up Darby up from school, and I couldn't get in touch with aftercare. 

I ended up having a panic attack at lunchtime. I only know it was that and not something worse as I have had one once before when Dave and I were separating.  It was suffocating, intense and I really felt distressed.
I couldn't breathe, and my chest felt like it was being crushed, and my brain short circuiting.
There wasn't really anything to be panicked about, but it just  got to that point where it all felt too much, like there were no answers to the problems, everything came back to me. I am the decision maker. I hold the power, and sometimes thats not a good thing!

Although its a team effort in managing Darby at school. At the end of the day, he spends most of his time with me, so I spend most of my time managing the day to day ins and outs. 

The lunches, oh god the lunches. I am not good at these. The evening reading I am doing ok at, but trying to get Darby to bed, its been a disaster.  I think its due to this nasty hot weather, but for the last month or so he has decided my bed is better.  So my sleep is severely suffering, and I feel like such a failure that I have let all that hard work go out the window. 

I am also the one taking him to swimming lessons and then trying to read all of the stuff that comes home with him each day (seriously there is so much paperwork!). There is just so much to remember to do.  I'm exhausted by 7.00pm, my house is a state of disarray, and all I want is for there to be some order. 

He has also been quite cheeky of late, to me and at school. I think this stems from a number of things, but its something that has been worrying me alot too.  I know he is crazy tired, and his little brain is learning so many new things everyday, so I'm going to deal with this at another time, when my energy is back. 

I am looking forward to a break over Easter, no matter how short it is, and just to try and settle into Term 2. I am trying to be kind on myself as I know this is a big change for him and for me, and it will take time for it to feel normal.

The only plus side to all of these crazy changes, is the time I get to myself on Mondays and Thursdays.  The hours between 9am & 3.30 fly by,  but I have managed to used this precious time by myself effectively! I have made a real effort  to  attend an exercise class on each of my days off. It makes me feel great, and its keeping my energy levels up.
It is a daggy dance class but it gets me all hot and sweaty and out of breath whilst putting a grin on my face, so that's all good in my books! Hopefully I will slowly start to  reverse this breakup weight too. I'm sure that will make me feel better in myself. Although I know I just need to focus on my health and my mental state rather than a number on the scales.
I am also looking into some meditation classes as well as Yoga to help calm me down and lesson the chance of any more panic attacks, because to be honest, I couldn't handle one of those again. 

Sorry that this post has been all over the place, but its been nice to get it off my chest! A complete brain dump. 

I know I am only normal and its ok to feel overwhelmed and sad, and scared and happy and panicked all at once. Its ok. I just have to keep reminding myself that.

Until next time