My modern family heartache

I took Darby to the beach on the weekend, it was an unplanned trip to kill some time on Saturday afternoon. We are lucky as our local beach is less than 5kms away. It was a nice day, a sunny 28 degrees, not hot enough in my books to go swimming, but hot enough to have an ice-cream and to make the most of the sea breeze....but today, something was off, a miss, not quite right.. Darby was happy as happy, I parked perfectly for a change, but as soon as we got out of the car I wanted to get back in.. I felt an almost shame I haven't felt  since I became a single parent almost 2 years ago.. A dread, a sadness, a guilt, a fear and a tinge of jealousy of seeing all the families playing happily like families do at the beach. I was one of them not that long ago. Normally this kind of thing doesn't worry me,  I am good at taking no notice, maybe its a skill learnt as part of my heartache, that I can easily remain in our insular world not worrying about whats happening around me.. Its our little bubble! 

But today my heart ached... It felt raw, it longed for something I  couldn't put my finger on.
I love my own little modern family.. my relationship with Darby and my relationship with Darby's dad.. and the families surrounding me.. It just works, its happy, its not forced or pretend, there is no fakeness   involved. It makes me happy that it can work like that, just easy, no real anger, or resentment, that has dissipated over time..(if you had asked me 12 months ago it may have been a very different answer!)
I know nothing defines the perfect family, they come in all shapes and sizes.. Some big, some small, and although my situation is not ideal, it has its own place... Its a happy unit.. I have a happy boy, I have a nice apartment.. Things are good....
So it got me thinking maybe there is something missing for me, a large piece still seems like it needs to fall into place.. I know I have ignored this part for a long time, but I think now I have realised how much I would like the company of another in my life. To share this and that, and talk about my day with someone who cares in the way a partner does.. In a way it is a good thing I have reached this point and I can acknowledge this.. it means I am ready to find that person or a person... but it now means I have to actually go out there and do it.. which is where I find it hard, tiring and more depressing... 
And this is where my own self doubt creeps in, I know I am partner worthy, but of course I question even myself about how good I am at being able to sustain a relationship.. 
I have a picture in my head of how things should be, but I really need to scrap it, as I will just be disappointed if i don't see it! It will do my head in... I need to have no picture, a clean slate ... just be at peace with myself and things will happen right??? I don't think its as easy as that but I can only hope... Im a go getter so I feel as though I should be doing more. I need to find that energy within myself and start somewhere...
These kinds of posts are incredibly hard for me to write, it makes me feel exposed and naked and they exhaust me of energy... I know I have such incredible support around me, but this battle is one I have to tackle myself, I don't know where to begin... but the fact I am going to begin, means something..
Not really a fun an uplifting post from me to start the week.. but ah well, sometimes you need some dark to see the light! 

I am linking up with the adorable and gorgeous Son at Life Love & Hiccups....

Until next time , life is too short  to drink crappy coffee...