The start of a new era

I woke up this morning with a funny feeling in my stomach,  I was sure it would be cured  by a hearty breakfast, or at least a coffee, but that funny feeling stuck around and soon it travelled up towards my heart.

It did feel like heartburn, but I knew it wasn't, It was an ache. 

I knew exactly what the cause was, I just didn't want to face the feeling.  I know its  just life and all,  just another big milestone to face.

But its big, Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of my life. Our life. The start of the school journey for Darby.  My heart aches. 

Melodramatic much. Its normal I think. 

I know I can be a drama queen at times, but I just cant ignore that feeling. That heaviness, mixed with excitement and fear and trepidation. The tears that sit ever so close to the surface. I know it wont take much to tip me over and for them to come flooding out.  Not much at all. 

They have surfaced a few times over the past week over nothing in particular, just all those little things that represent the growing up of my little guy. 

I know I am certainly not alone in this, I know of many other mammas feeling much the same as me. I am sure these intense unknown feelings will pass, as I gently pace myself through the next little while  getting used to not having my little buddy around.

I knew this day was coming the moment he entered this world. I couldn't be more happy for him. It is the next step, and I am just really so excited for him.  I am sure his social little personality will love it,  thrive in it and soak it in.

He is so ready. So ready to learn more, to socialise, to learn more ways of the world. Things I can no longer teach him on my own.

I know he is an adaptable little fellow. He has had so much change in the past 5 years, and he really has for the most part just gone with flow.

As I have prepared his uniforms, baked biscuits for school lunches and labelled the bejesus of anything that is to set foot inside the school, there has been this feeling of letting  him go a little.  

He will be finding his own place in the world, without me holding his hand every step of the way. I will always be there from the sidelines, but I have to let him make his own choices, make his own mistakes, speak for himself all while still gently guiding him through lovingly and as best I can. 

I'm also a bit worried about how I will go... I don't have another child to focus my attention on now.  That person to focus on is myself.

I am used to spending time apart from him , but this is different and on a much more permanent basis.

Darby has been my little saviour. Without him over the last 3 years I would have been lost. 

He was my  little light when everything else went dark. He needed me as much as I needed him. He kept me going through all those really hard times.

So in a way whilst I am setting him free into the wide world of school, he is at the same time setting me free  to find my feet again- albeit only 14 hours a week!  

Whilst he sits in school and intently listens to his teacher, and makes new friend, its time for his mum  to discover herself with no labels, no limits. The possibilities are endless really.  

It will take some getting used to,  this new freedom. It will be so foreign.  He will be learning, and so will I.  Learning to incorporate all the things that I love back into my life.  Its exciting and I am sure it  will be fun journey to be on.

And at the end of each day we will have so many exciting stories to tell each other,  I just can't wait for that.

So here is to a very new and very exciting year for the both of us.   After the tears dry up of course.

Until next time

Linking up with Gorgeous Grace here