The start of a new era

I woke up this morning with a funny feeling in my stomach,  I was sure it would be cured  by a hearty breakfast, or at least a coffee, but that funny feeling stuck around and soon it travelled up towards my heart.

It did feel like heartburn, but I knew it wasn't, It was an ache. 

I knew exactly what the cause was, I just didn't want to face the feeling.  I know its  just life and all,  just another big milestone to face.

But its big, Tomorrow really is the first day of the rest of my life. Our life. The start of the school journey for Darby.  My heart aches. 

Melodramatic much. Its normal I think. 

I know I can be a drama queen at times, but I just cant ignore that feeling. That heaviness, mixed with excitement and fear and trepidation. The tears that sit ever so close to the surface. I know it wont take much to tip me over and for them to come flooding out.  Not much at all. 

They have surfaced a few times over the past week over nothing in particular, just all those little things that represent the growing up of my little guy. 

I know I am certainly not alone in this, I know of many other mammas feeling much the same as me. I am sure these intense unknown feelings will pass, as I gently pace myself through the next little while  getting used to not having my little buddy around.

I knew this day was coming the moment he entered this world. I couldn't be more happy for him. It is the next step, and I am just really so excited for him.  I am sure his social little personality will love it,  thrive in it and soak it in.

He is so ready. So ready to learn more, to socialise, to learn more ways of the world. Things I can no longer teach him on my own.

I know he is an adaptable little fellow. He has had so much change in the past 5 years, and he really has for the most part just gone with flow.

As I have prepared his uniforms, baked biscuits for school lunches and labelled the bejesus of anything that is to set foot inside the school, there has been this feeling of letting  him go a little.  

He will be finding his own place in the world, without me holding his hand every step of the way. I will always be there from the sidelines, but I have to let him make his own choices, make his own mistakes, speak for himself all while still gently guiding him through lovingly and as best I can. 

I'm also a bit worried about how I will go... I don't have another child to focus my attention on now.  That person to focus on is myself.

I am used to spending time apart from him , but this is different and on a much more permanent basis.

Darby has been my little saviour. Without him over the last 3 years I would have been lost. 

He was my  little light when everything else went dark. He needed me as much as I needed him. He kept me going through all those really hard times.

So in a way whilst I am setting him free into the wide world of school, he is at the same time setting me free  to find my feet again- albeit only 14 hours a week!  

Whilst he sits in school and intently listens to his teacher, and makes new friend, its time for his mum  to discover herself with no labels, no limits. The possibilities are endless really.  

It will take some getting used to,  this new freedom. It will be so foreign.  He will be learning, and so will I.  Learning to incorporate all the things that I love back into my life.  Its exciting and I am sure it  will be fun journey to be on.

And at the end of each day we will have so many exciting stories to tell each other,  I just can't wait for that.

So here is to a very new and very exciting year for the both of us.   After the tears dry up of course.

Until next time

Linking up with Gorgeous Grace here

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This week I was able to witness Darby and his gorgeous cousin at their cutest. It fills my heart with joy  each time I watch the two of them together.

My biggest fear when separating from Darby's dad was the thought of never being able to provide Darby with a little brother or sister. This broke my heart the most.

I know how important my sister has been in my life, and the great memories we shared as children and now as adults and best friends. I wanted that so desperately for him too.

So I was so delighted when my sister in law announced her pregnancy last year, and a new little life was born. And we became aunty and cousin of a gorgeous baby girl. 

Darby's cousin has provided us with so much happiness already, I just know that they will be close.

He makes her laugh, like no one else. She just looks at him with those stunning brown eyes and she coos and giggles as a 6 month old does.  When we caught up the other day she was wearing the Wonder Woman jumpsuit Darby gave her when she was born {He was delighted} and talk about adorable! 

I am so lucky to have them living around the corner and big  part of our lives.

Linking up in this incredible project with Jodi at Che and Fidel! 

Summer Days & letting go of the small things

On Monday, Darby and I spent the morning at the beach with my friend and fellow blogger Pip and her adorable daughter. 

It was a perfect day, the sun was shining, but through the clouds. It wasn't too hot, and there was a gentle breeze. Just perfect really. 

Darby and I had such a relaxing and enjoyable time, even though I had forgotten all the obvious things you normally take to the beach! 

But it didn't matter one little bit. 

You see I have made a pact with myself that this would be the year I would try not to sweat the small stuff. 20 days in and I'm doing ok (its hard!!) 

When Darby was younger, I used to stress, this stress lead to anxiety and this would completely railroad anything I was doing. Especially when I started parenting solo, it was bloody hard and I would lose my mind when things didn't go right, I would feel like such a failure, a bad parent,  but finally I am getting better at shaking that mindset. 

Yesterday all we took to the beach was Darby's hat and a little food. I forgot to pack the obvious things - bathers, towel, buckets and spades to play with. I had slathered him in sunscreen and put his hat on and off we went. 

When I arrived I realised I probably should have packed those bathers and a towel would have come in handy, but you know what, I just shrugged my shoulders and let that worry  just slide right off me. 

So what I forgot his bathers, he could swim in his jocks and T-shirt and we could wash them when we got home. 

So what we forgot beach toys. He had the most fun just piling sand with this bare hands into freestyle sandcastles and collected shells and made himself a little Xmas tree. {I love his imagination! } 

So what I didn't have a towel to sit on. The soft sand cushioned me and felt good on my bare skin (a good exfoliant too!) 

It felt good not to worry about my parenting failure and just enjoy the moment. The catching up with a good friend, watching Darby enjoy himself, kick water with his feet and run along the shore. Seeing his joy. 

Those will be the bits that I will remember, not that I didn't remember his bathers! 

I have to start somewhere

I recently purchased a new camera. It is a pretty basic SLR, not really with any of the bells and whistles I have seen on some cameras. But really, I wasn't after any bells and whistles! I wanted to start simple.
My main aim was to be able to take pictures of Darby, our life and of course coffee.

Photography is in my blood. One of my dad cousins is a photographer. She was ahead of her time, taking some beautiful shots of my parents wedding 30 plus years ago.

I have always loved taking photos, for as long as I remember. Ask my high school best friend and she would say I wouldn't go anywhere or experience anything without getting my trusty little Pentax out.
I'm not sure I'm actually very good at it, but I just have a love for capturing moments.

I have so much to learn, but I have to start somewhere, and this learning, I am loving too. It is testing my brain, and that's all good.
It has made me feel alive and it has made me realise if I work hard enough and learn from those around me, that I could actually (hopefully) be good one day.
And in the meantime I love the practice and  Darby is a happy and willing (most of the time) model.
We have been taking evening walks while I press different buttons and adjust different settings. I really have no idea, but its so much fun!

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At our favourite cafe in North Melbourne {we spend way too much time here!} 

Darby is concentrating  with great intent on his reading. With 2 weeks until he starts school I can see how much he  is already coming in leaps and bounds with his knowledge.  I couldn't be prouder

I dont know much about taking a good photo, but I am allowing myself these 52 weeks to improve and learn and become better. 

Linking up in this incredible project with Jodi at Che and Fidel! 

The rain in my heart....

Its been one year today since we lost our gorgeous and graceful  cousin.

My sis and I are heading out in the afternoon  to have a drink of champagne in her honour. We will take that time out to remember the good times and recall memories. 

And this is for her - her favourite song.  The words, so poignant and so her. 

We will listen loud, and remember her.... and smile..... and shed some tears too.

We miss her very much 

xxx

Weddings Parties Anything - The Rain In My Heart @ The Age Media House, Melbourne (2nd Oct 2012) from Carbie Warbie on Vimeo.

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Week 2 

This week I purchased a juicer.  An inexpensive little juicer.  It suits the two of us just fine. Its small but robust motor has revved for us everyday this week. 

We have juiced many combinations of fresh fruits and vegetables. 

Our favourite though has been a fusion of everything all together. Orange, Apple, Watermelon, Strawberry, Carrot, Celery, Cucumber and Kale. It goes a funky brown colour {note Darby's face colour, oh and check out those blue eyes, lucky kid!} 

But it is so tasty, just bursting with all sorts of goodness.

It has made us both feel good! 

So I couldn't resist using this picture this week!  Doesn't he just look delighted... and a little surprised.... and a little cheeky... his eyes are sparkling from all the good going into his little body. 

Its feels so satisfying that before 7.30am we have had all of these wonderful nutrients. I feel like we are nourishing our bodies. And I love that Darby helps, and enjoys drinking it so much too! 

We will keep it going until that little motor stops revving! 

Linking up in this incredible project with Jodi at Che and Fidel! Its an honour to be doing it with so many amazing bloggers!  

Sunday lunch in the country

On Sunday we travelled to the lovely little town of Trentham, an hour or so out of Melbourne. It's a quaint little town, not unlike Daylesford, but on a much smaller scale. 

We were there to meet my mums family for our {belated} Christmas Celebration and also to commemorate my Granny. It would have been her 94th  birthday on that day. 
We try and get together on her birthday every year, it doesn't always happen, but  when we do, we like to toast a glass of champagne in her honour. 

We have a small close knit  family, my mum, her sister and brother (my other uncle is still in the NT), their husbands and wives and my cousin, my sister, Darby and I.

It was a lovely day. The setting was perfect, sitting in the beautiful serene garden of the local hotel, big vast trees providing the shade. It was warm, but not too hot. Lush green leaves and perfect blue sky. Can it get any better really? 

There were lots of laughs and drinks with Darby providing the entertainment, trying to guess everyone's age and playing a game stacking all the hats on one head, everyone had a turn. I also got to try out my new camera. {I have so much to learn!} 

But the day was still tinged with sad moments, of raw, naked emotions that catch us when we least expect them too. Thats the thing about Grief.  Where all that can be done is to offer our tears and our hugs. 

This is our first Christmas celebration without our gorgeous cousin. She was here last Christmas. That was a heartbreaking Christmas.  Hard to think almost a year has gone by since she passed away. 

It feels like it was yesterday.  F**k cancer. It is so cruel and unfair. 

Instead of giving each other presents we decided we would each donate some money to her palliative care unit, who provided great support in her final months. 

These family celebrations will never be the same without her {and her incandescent laugh}.  

She is dearly missed. 

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A portrait of my child, once a week, every week, in 2013.

- Cooling off with a Splice on that hot hot Melbourne night. 

- Cheeky Smiles in his PJ's

I thought I would give this gorgeous  52 A Portrait a Week project over with Jodi at Che & Fidel a go. 

Having recently purchased a new camera with the sole purpose to take photos of my little guy {and a few of coffee}, this seems like a perfect fit.  

Darby is starting school in a few weeks and I am lapping up the time we have together before he goes.  It will be so nice to be able to have a place to reflect on the images of this momentous first year. 

Such a beautiful thing to celebrate the moments with our little people. 

The year that was...

So  I'm a few days late with the 2012 au revoirs! The whole year seemed to go at rapid speed, that even the end of the year caught up with me and it was gone before I knew it (or posted about it!)   

It's  now done and dusted.  It was a year of  amazing new journeys  and incredible moments. It  also had some very sad ones too. 

It was a year of acceptance for me, and for continuing with challenges that the last few years have thrown me.

There was plenty of coffee drinking,  loads of adventures with Darby and just some everyday life thrown in too, oh and an overseas trip in the middle!

It was a roller coaster of a year, but really isn't life a bit like one giant ride on the Scenic Railway! 

I am looking at 2013 with such excitement and anticipation.  I have a feeling  it will be a fantastic year no matter what happens.  It is going to be a year of big changes for both myself and for Darby.

We cope well with change. It keeps us motivated and learning.   Darby will be at School and his little mind will be learning so much.  I  on the other hand will have some time in the day to myself, such a new thing,  I'm not sure how I will fill these 12 hours a week, but I'm sure I will find a way! 

It is going to be a year where I will have fun and I will make it my number one priority! And whats not to love about that. 

As a little tribute the year gone by, I have compiled a few (that means alot) of my most treasured  photos from the year, as a reminder  to myself of what we have achieved as a little family unit of two. 

So long 2012.....