A trip to the Zoo

Today the Melbourne sun was shining, it was the perfect day to go on an adventure to the Zoo. 

Darby, his Grandma and I headed there this morning for a day of animal spotting. 

The weather was nothing short of a perfect, 21 degrees, still and sunny. My idea of the best kind of day. 

I love the Melbourne Zoo, there is something so amazing about that place, The surroundings are so lush and tranquil. I must admit my favourite animals to look at  are the Gorillas and Monkeys and today they really put on a show for us! Oh boy did they make us giggle! 

I was also a hit in the butterfly enclosure. I had the gorgeous things fluttering all over me. Normally any kind of insect freaks me out, but for these little beauties I didn't mind a bit! 

Such a lovely day out, cant wait to go again! I'm adding it to the growing list of things to do on my own when Darby is at school!  How cruel is that! 

Hope everyone enjoyed the sunshine! 

Just another birthday....

Its my birthday at the end of this week.  I love birthdays, I love celebrations. 

So why is it that I  am dreading my special day? 

Ask anyone that knows me and they will be able to tell you how much I love my birthday.

I have always loved my birthday, always.  I remember having a count down  for the days leading up to the 24th of November every year. Ask my mum and I probably started the countdown in mid September. But she wouldn't mind,  I have been told I inherited this love from her. She is a birthday lover from way back. 

I have so many amazing childhood memories of my birthday, I can recall all of them, there are so many lovely, unique moments. Even of my early adulthood. I had fabulous parties, I loved bringing people together. 

For someone who is sitting on the fence of  being an introvert and extrovert, I would always, always come out of my shell and sit in the extrovert camp on my birthday! It was my day to live it up, to be bold and to be surrounded by people I loved. 

The last few birthdays have been celebrated, but my overall excitement leading up to them has been non existent. I have been sad. Very, very sad. 

I thought my thirties were going to be nothing short of fabulous. I would be confident, life would be on track, and I would have a sense of knowing I was in the right place. 

That really just went out the window in 2010.  Life is nothing like I imagined it to be. And as my birthday approaches, it is just a reminder of what is missing in my life and how far away I am from where I want to be. Although in  saying that I wouldn't trade the special relationship Darby and I have created together.
 

My first birthday as a single parent everything was still so raw, I baked myself a cake and I sat in a work meeting all day and cried.  Last year I was a little better but I still felt really flat, so I just got stuck into Gin and Tonics! That made me feel temporarily better.

This year I feel like nothing has really changed. My birthday is just a little reminder that I am not living my life to its fullest capacity . I know I have the ability too, but I'm just not. 

So many amazing things have happened to me in the year, and I will recognise that, but overall, I know in most aspects of life I need change. 

However I decided on the weekend that I  am going to put that aside, and really try hard to enjoy the opportunities  I have been given and the blessings in my life.

So on Friday I have made myself  a pact to celebrate this special day. As Oprah says "The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate",  When Oprah says something you gotta listen! 

 So to mark the occasion I am going to get dressed up, I am going to make myself feel pretty, I am going to chow down on my favourite Mexican food with some of my favourite people, and I am going to go somewhere and dance, dance my little heart out to cheesy music, dance away my 33 year old blues. 

And this year, my 33rd year, I am going to take it by the balls  and I am going to live it. There is no time to waste. I'm going to follow my heart, take some risks and love. Fill my life with love, in whatever shape or form that is, and by the time I get to 34, I hope I'm back to  being excited about that big day..

Finally... they have arrived!

Today in the mail I received a much anticipated parcel. 

A parcel that was sent from the UK over 14 weeks ago.  This was a delivery of some  beloved photos of my holiday in the UK, the holiday that I went on oh so long ago.  

The parcel was crumpled, and tattered. It had seen better days, but the USB stick was tucked away,  safely protected by 2 pairs of 9 pound Primark jeans.  {I knew my bargain shopping obsession would come in handy one day!} 

My friend and I had  written the parcel off,  that some  UK postal worker or an Australia Post employee couldn't have gone past a pair of Primark Jeans. Alas we were wrong, and thank goodness too. 

Looking through the photos brought a tear to my eye. Oh how my holiday flew by, and oh how I just went straight back into real life. The ups and downs of a single parent. 

Don't get me wrong I absolutely missed Darby like nothing else, and loved coming home to him, but I did really relish that time that I had, just being me. Just Jane.

Jane the traveler, Jane the best friend, Jane the shopper, Jane the obsessive tea drinker, Jane the wanderer. Jane the talker. Jane the thinker. Jane the cider drinker. Jane the advice giver. Jane the croissant eater. Jane the scones and jam eater. Jane the Aunty. Jane the Explorer.

It was wonderful having a snapshot of my life from a different point of view. One I have not experienced in the last 5 or so years. And even though I feel selfish saying it,  While I was away I felt so empowered and happy.

So here are lots of  pictures (eek mainly of me, sorry!!)  from my stay in Charlbury, a sweet little town just outside of Oxford and my adventures in the UK.  

 

The perils of driving!

Its not all that uncommon for me to have a lapse in judgement when I'm driving. I have never made it  unknown that I am not a great driver.
I have never seen myself featured on "Worlds worst drivers" (that I know of) but I'm certainly not the best.

I have been known to back into poles (how the hell did they get there) swerve parked cars (explains a missing side mirror). I have driven the wrong way down one way streets, with oncoming traffic yelling abuse at me.  My latest most traumatising moment this year was when I  reversed parked and  then somehow got the front of my car hooked in a rather large tow bar resulting in the front of my car being  completely ripped off!!  Oh and how the list  could go on....

So its no surprise that being a passenger in my car can be a little nerve wracking! 

I had one such crazy driving incident this weekend. I was happily driving Darby around on a nice afternoon out . We were staying with my mum and dad in the country and just relaxing. That's what I do when I am here, just relax. So whether that relaxing hampered my driving skills I don't know. 

Anyway I overshot a right hand turn, only to realise I was in fact turning into a one way street, with no other option but to drive down it the wrong way. The first thing that popped out of my mouth was not a very nice one, one I try not to say ever in front of Darby, but when I am driving I really do have poor lapse in judgement and forget I have a  child in the back seat. A child that picks up everything I say, even if it is under my breath. Arrgghh

But, before the "I'm so sorry Darbs for mums big mistake" could slip from my lips for my parenting fail, he piped up from the back, "That's ok mum, you will just have to be more careful next time."  I'm not sure whether he was referring to my swearing or my driving, but I agreed with him. "Yes mum will be much more careful next time". 
Oh the wisdom beyond his five years, cool calm and collected in a crisis, not like his erratic, poor driving mother! 

Tomorrow is a new day....

My fuse was short. My day was long. Not a great combination in my books. The start of my favourite month didn't go so well.

A grumpy child.

And a very very  grumpy mummy.

I am not feeling like myself at the moment.

I hope I start to soon.

I can feel the end of the year creeping up on me and more time passing. For me this is not a good thing, a year older and I feel a sense a panic that the best years are behind me,  that maybe I have already lived my best life.
Every day I know I am striving for better, but maybe it doesn't get better. 

This really isn't like me to be so negative, Ill let these feelings sit for now, as I know they will disappear soon, and I will be  back to my real self soon.

I'm making some positive changes this month for my body and mind, and I hope this will shift these thoughts that are plaguing me.

Only time will tell.....

Image via Pinterest 

I Heart My Body

I have been in this world of really loathing my body in its current state, constantly comparing, not how it stacks up against others, but how it stacks up against my own in my former life. 

I know I cant keep doing that, I am never one for looking back at other aspects of that life . I try to keep moving ahead, forging ahead. I know its time I do this with my body too. Let go of the past, the negative thoughts and stop this comparing game. 

To be honest, I know how remarkable my body is on the inside.  I really truly do. I am happy to share that all the time. I just need to start believing that the outside is not just, but more remarkable. 

I believe I celebrate the beauty in others, but I don't rate my own at all.  This has got to stop.

Its holding me back from achieving a happier self, its holding me back in my quest to find love again.  

But it is stopping right now! 

I am going to listen to the voice of  the many other extraordinary women with stories like my own.  I am going to read each and every I Heart Campaign post to help me feel inspired. I am going to talk to myself and my body with self love and gratitude of how hard it has worked for me and how truly beautiful it is. 

I am going to be kind to myself when and if I fail, because my body is strong. 

I love that my body has healed itself from several major operations on my hip. It survived and thrived from having a Hip Replacement at 26. It birthed Darby naturally only 12 months after said hip was "replaced" something not even I could have imagined.  I know that I have many more operations ahead of me, but this just inspires me more to look after my self.

I love that I have my dads eyes, and even his cute pudgy little hands. I love that when I smile, my whole face smiles with it, and if you are lucky tears will spring to my eyes! I love this expression I do, I cant describe it,  but I am so happy that Darby has inherited this. 

Every time he does that little face, my heart sings and I see me, a beautiful me. 

I love how even though my skin is smattered with freckles, that it is flawless underneath.

I love how strong my body is, my personal trainer always comments on how I never give up. I know my legs have so much power in them. They are on there own journey to proving themselves.

There are times I do just want to fall into a heap, but I don't,  I keep going, making myself stronger, but I know its limitations too and I am not too hard on myself for that. 

I know that I need to show kindness to my body and the remarkable journey its taken me on, and I  know I will. 

Today with so many other women  I pledge to Heart my body, now and forever more. 

Oh to be Brave and Bold

I was so inspired by Cherie from over at Raising Master Max and her story of how kind she was to a complete stranger.  It really  did make me  evaluate all the things I do and whether I too, have that generosity gene.

This week though the tables were turned and Darby played the part of the kindness receiver.  A random act of kindness touched us both. It was such a simple but heartwarming thing, and I cannot stop thinking about it.

I suppose the story doesn't make sense without being told in its entirety. 

Over the past few months Darby has developed a little bit of a man crush! This crush is not on a celebrity or a superhero,  but just  a regular guy! 

This said guy happens to work at one of Melbourne's best cafes. So we frequent there for coffee quite a lot,  maybe once a fortnight, or if Darby has his way, once a week.

Darby and this waiter have developed quite a bond, mainly due to  some common ground. - they both love superheroes.   

They happily chat mostly about Batman, but really any kind of man with superpowers will do. This may seem so trivial, but Darby's face lights up when we walk in there.  Our waiter always meets us at the door,  Darby keen to show him a shirt he is wearing, or some little toy he has with him. 

Its this enthusiasm that is so beautiful to watch. With each conversation they have I can literally see his eyes light up with happiness.  

I sit back and enjoy my coffee, as they talk about Green Lantern, The Flash, Robin, The Brave and the Bold and Batman. I am knowledgeable in all of these areas now, but I probably don't converse  with the same level of gusto that these two lovers of superheroes do.
On one occasion this young waiter delivered me a little piece of paper that had the name of a Comic store in the city where there would be age appropriate material for Darby. I thought that this was such a sweet gesture.

On the next occasion we were there, he came over to apologise that he hadn't been able to chat to Darby and as we were leaving, I felt a tap on the shoulder, I turned around, and our waiter was there. He said for Darby and I to come in next week and he would have a comic for him. Again so sweet.

We didn't get in the next week. Life caught up to us, we were busy and just didn't get have a chance.  We did go again, but it was so busy he barely had time to talk to us.  I could tell in Darby's face how disappointed he was when this happens.  (I on the other hand feel as though I am stalking this poor guy)

We went again on Monday, Darby entering with his Batman mask, to a big clap from our waiter. He was excited to see him! We sat down and ordered drinks.

Probably 10 minutes later I saw our waiter approach us.

He had something in his hands.

It was a comic book

As he bent down next to Darby, he presented him with a brand new Batman - Brave and the Bold comic, all wrapped up!

I really did feel my heart skip a beat at this guys kindness. He doesn't know me, or Darby. We are just customers, who come in for coffee. Yet he went 1000 times above and beyond his role to make my little mans day.

Not many people do these kinds of things, especially for those that you hardly know. I was simply touched. I wanted to reach out and hug him, but resisted the urge to. Darby's little face just lit up. He was shocked too. All he could say was wow, wow, wow.

I am not sure Darb's can feel those feelings of gratitude yet, but this was a perfect chance for me to  help instill them. He did understand that this is not a normal present, that this is an out the ordinary  gift. He sat there amazed flipping through his new book.

He whispered to me, "Mum, this is pretty special" (I couldn't agree with him more!) 

 The comic book  has not  left his side since.

So tomorrow we are off to pick out a card, Batman of course as a thank-you for this kind gift.   I know one thing for sure we will be lifelong customers to this cafe...

Singing in the Sun

I  had one of those moments on Saturday where I really hoped no one saw me! You probably can relate to this....

I was driving in the car by myself (oops no, Darby was actually in the backseat, probably puzzled by his quirky mama)

The window was down;

The sun was shining;

The breeze was light and just gently blowing my hair ;

And the radio was blaring from my not so quality speakers;

And I was singing along, with such reckless abandonment and happiness. It was to the new song, by Bruno Mars I think -I am not up with who sings what! It has an awesome beat and one you can belt out pretty easily without having to know the words.

And I was singing, humming and singing, and yelling and singing, and head banging and singing.

I cant sing, I have the voice of drowning cats, or that's what Dave used to say. I do agree.

But I didn't care. My day had been mega stressful up until that point but  instead of getting all rattled. which I may add I did earlier in the day (that would require a whole other blog post), I instead channelled all this energy into positive , and sung my little lungs out! 

And you know what,  I felt so much better about life afterwards. I felt a buzz, endorphins had been released, and I could look at the day in a happier more refreshed light.  

It just wasn't so lucky for the person that pulled up next to me at the traffic lights, they would have copped an earful, oh well, next time I will wind the windows up! Oh who cares, we only live once, wind those windows down....

When was the last time you embarrassingly sang in public? Doesn't it feel good? 

Image via  

Change is good

I have been a little lost of late. 

Not really thinking that my voice was very important.

I would log into my blog and feel this sick feeling. No words would come, no inspiration, nothing! Somewhere along the way I have  lost all my confidence in my articulation. Maybe I never had it to start with.

I somehow lost the ability to construct anything meaningful. 

I couldn't tell a story, I couldn't seem to use words anymore. Everything seemed to be bad, or forced or it was really really draining to do.  

I was comparing myself to others. 

The more I read, the more I felt this lack of confidence engulf my every being. What was I..me...doing writing. It just seemed absurd.   That lack of confidence thats plagued me my whole life was rearing its ugly head again. 

It was like I didn't belong here. I thought about pulling my blog down, maybe starting again when the inspiration did come. But somehow after thinking about it.  I  just couldn't bring myself do it. All those words lost, and that would be 19 months down the metaphoric drain. And then what, just forget all about that. 

No I couldn't do it, I have changed so much since it began, its an extension of myself. 

It wasn't until my sister pointed out how my blog  didn't really look like me,  wasn't a representation of the real me. 

(Maybe that was a reason why I didn't feel inspired!)

This comment coming from the person that knows me best was like a light bulb moment. Yes it stung, but in a good way. A bolt of lightening.  And I agreed with her,  I looked at it from another perspective and yes, it wasn't really me. 

That was by  no means a reflection on the design, because I asked for it to look the way it did. I was explicit in what I wanted and how I wanted it to look, but I had no idea really, I just thought that was how it should look. I loved it, but now 8 months on, I realise it doesn't really reflect me or my life, or where I am right now.  

So on Monday I pulled it all down, I had no idea what I was doing, I was sure I was going to lose the plot after 10 minutes, but I kept on going. 

So now here it is, different. shiny, new, and all by me! 

I'm not sure I like it yet, or whether it is a representation of the real me, but its a work in progress, it maybe closer.  I need more photos, because thats who I am, a photo taker. Not with a fancy pants camera (I wish I had one) just my iphone and me snapping away at every life moment! 

It is now my work in progress, and really that is what my blog is and always has been.  An evolving place to share my life, my ups and downs and the reality's of a new life I have created for myself and Darby. Living with a choice to go my own way.

From speaking with some friends the other day, I want to keep this space  real, keep stuffing up , keep my bad articulation. So what! Its my place, it can be what I want it to be. 

Its funny to think I blogged for over 6 months just about coffee with only 1 single comment to keep me going. So I know I can blog for me, its in there, I just need to unlock that magic again!

No more worrying about what I could be. I just want to focus on what I am and I have no doubt the changes will come from within. 

And as I sign off now, I am feeling a little less lost than I did 30 minutes ago, and thats a start! 

Image

This is your life...

Oh how I need to read this, I need to read this often. I need to say it loud, I need to mean it.

 I am feeling so uninspired and unmotivated  at the moment. I cant put my finger on the root cause, but I know I have lots of things to work through! 

I am hoping for the moment, that reading this quote everyday will help shed some light on my life and help me to see things in a different way! 

Life is to be lived and I need to start doing that, not making excuses and making things hard on myself. Where has the optimistic Jane gone?? Will she ever be back? 

I hope so.....

image credit

Bedtime Revelations

Around these parts I am celebrating! A major event has occurred, I feel almost like a new person. We are not at the finish line yet, but we are slowly making our way there. 

You see I have shared my bed with Darby for the past 2 and a bit years! And now I have had a major major breakthrough! Yay!

When we moved to our little home in 2010 I tried to get Darby sleeping in his own little bed. 

A new home, a new bed, a new room, a new life. Maybe it was a little too much for me to  ask of him to adjust his little mind and body around all of this change. He was not even 3 and he suddenly didn't have his dad there to say goodnight. So its no wonder  at bedtime  he simply wanted to be close to his Mama.  

I don't blame him.

I just wanted to be close to him too.

I was all protective of his state of mind (ignoring my own) and I just wanted him to sleep, wherever he wanted to. 

I thought this sleeping in my bed  may last a month or two while we settled in to our new life,  but those toddlers, they make habits pretty darn fast, and before long it was the norm for him to share my queen size bed every single night.
No matter what I tried, (and I tried everything), I couldn't get him to sleep in his own bed. He just fought it, and fought it and cried that really scared little cry, and I caved in every time. 

I soon realised its hard to change a habit. In his world it was just what you did, sleep with mum.  It was his routine, his room was for play, not sleep!   I sought help from a paediatrician and implemented strategies, that worked for a day and then back to his old ways.

We had a plan to have him sleeping in his bed by the time school came around, and I wanted more than anything to have his bedtime routine sorted by then.
 He wouldn't go to bed unless I was there, so we were either going to bed really early, or really late. I just wanted a happy medium, and for his reliance on me being there all the time  to become less, to know I was in the next room if he needed anything.

Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough,  For me, I still enjoyed most aspects of our co-sleeping:  telling each other stories as we drifted off to sleep, waking up beside him in the morning,  hearing his steady breath  in the middle of the night .  Those are little joys of life that filled my every day. 

But I was beginning to enjoy less, the randoms kicks, whacks, prods  my body was receiving at all hours. My little boy was growing and he liked to move all around that bed in his sleep. I was always at  the receiving end of kicks and I had many a night where I was waking on every hour from a kick, push, whack, whatever.  OK its not the end of the world, but I would prefer to have my 5 year old kicking his own pillows.

And to be honest, I craved just a little alone time at night to relax, unwind, enjoy a cup of tea and just be (by myself)!
This was not happening and so my mental health was severely suffering.  With no day sleeps anymore, it was 14 hour days straight entertaining him  and some days I needed the day time sleep! I was exhausted!  I savour our days together, but the hours from 5pm-8pm, well they are most parents witching hours,  it was no different here too.

And then, the breakthrough ....

On Darby's 5th Birthday to be precise, a major milestone occurred!

My sister surprised him with a batman bedspread he had been eyeing off for some time. Ingenious!

The bedspread went right on his bed, and lo and behold he wanted to sleep in it straight away! Just like that!!!

So every night since then (bar the ones he is at his dads and grandparents) he has gone to sleep in his own bed! Amazing!

I read him a story and he just goes to sleep! Most nights he does end up back in my bed at 3am, 4am 5am, this doesn't worry me a bit and I will address it at another time!

At the moment I am just rejoicing his current bedtime routine! Its amazing! I feel like a new woman too, getting an hour or two to myself in the evening. Hallelujah!
Its almost 3 weeks now, and its becoming his norm to go to bed in his own bed, in his own room!

Its such a wonderful breakthrough! I knew it would happen one day, but I really didn't think a bedspread would hold that much power!

 I was wrong, so wrong!!

And as Robin so rightly puts it - " Holy Bedspreads Batman!!"

Darkness & Light

       

This week we are changed.... 

Yesterday I was blown away. Something I have never seen in my lifetime. The coming together of people after a tragic event. 

My sister, one of her friends and I decided to go on the Peace March to Remember Jill. We didn't know what to expect, maybe 1000 people roughly was what I expected. But when things go viral on social media, they really go viral...  And this was all for good...

The sight of people streaming the length of Sydney Rd was one of those moments in life I will not forget. Like this past week, it will be etched in my memory forever. 

One of the things that resonated with me at the march in my old homeland, was this Martin Luther King Jr Quote. It was hoisted high in the air, by a boy no older than my own, on his fathers shoulders. It was handwritten on purple cardboard with care and taped to a ruler. I read it, tears twinkling in my eyes.

There were many moving moments like this at the march, but the overwhelming sense of community and connectedness of the Melbourne spirit in a time of sadness, shock, grief and anger was what I took away from it. 

Until next time 

Java Jane 

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